My ex fiancé reached out to me a few days ago with all this Coronavirus going on. We’d been NC since January, per his decision. He sent me a four page email yesterday, snippets below. These words seem so nice and sweet but also give off an air of a guilt trip, self pity, and manipulation, I think? FDS has kept me strong since the breakup in September and the principle of never taking back an ex is in the forefront of my mind. I sometimes worry if I’m making a mistake. Basic backstory, this guy is ten years older than me (I’m late 20s), 3 kids with his ex wife, one of whom he hid from me when we first started dating. Ladies remind me I’m not making a mistake...

“You do deserve a good person to give you all those things, and I sincerely hope you find that. At one point however, you wanted that to be with me, and I think part of you still does, even if you won’t openly admit it. I want to be that person for you, I’ve always wanted that. I struggled for a long time with whether you actually liked me or not, it took me a long time, until now, to realize that you actually did love me and want me.

My brain is wired like this. Unfortunately for you, I feel a very deep sense emotional closeness and attachment to you. However, I also have an intense fear of abandonment.

And you know the rest, my family is not supportive of my personal choices, also not your fault and has nothing to do with you. But mostly, I have a very strong sense of closeness with you, and I have been terrified of losing it. So terrified, I prepared myself for it’s inevitable departure, through unhealthy ways. It isn’t your fault, and I’m sorry. It’s true when I say, no one has truly cared for me the way you do.

We’ve been separated for 6 months now, with a handful of hangouts in between, and I have to tell you, I honestly think this is a mistake. A mistake that will affect the rest of our lives, not just the here and now. Still 6 months in, I miss you the person daily, and I regret what happened in September. It isn’t just breakup regret or remorse or whatever, it’s serious. As someone who wanted to spend his life with you, have a family with you, and all we’ve been through, this feels wrong. I can’t imagine my life without you, and I can’t imagine not being with you. I know you may have moved on, but life is too important, and things are never too late.

However, being 6 months now, I’m probably at a point where I face my own grim reality here, as you’ve moved on, and nearing the end of my efforts to have you work things out with me. I am ready accept my failure here soon.

I’ve forgiven you, I’m over the past. And this note is not meant to debate who’s fault for what our current status is. I have no desire to debate who’s done what to whom. It’s a pointless exercise that just ends in sour words and hurt feelings. I fully recognize I have done and said things I would change, and I am not proud of how I acted in 2018, when you were so good to me. I am very sorry about that. All I have an interest in, is seeing if you’re able to put all that behind us, let go of the negativity, and come together to fix things.

I do know you love me. I do think deep down, you want things to work as well. I know how much you love me, and you know how much I love you.

Any time we’ve had issues, whether it’s you wanting to walk away, or me, I’ve always come to you and asked to work things out. I’ve taken that initiative many times. And indeed, we’ve been close many many times. I’ve exposed myself to your rejection again and again, because I love you that much and because I care about our relationship so much. Because the right thing, feels like being together.

I know you cling to negative thoughts of me and of the past when you’re trying to push me away and distance yourself. I know you so well, thoughts of me are often very black and white to you. All good or all bad.

When you didn’t contact me, as I honestly hoped you would, I waited several weeks, hoping to see your name on my phone. When it didn’t come, I thought I should rip the band aid off and contact you, and hope maybe you were more ready to talk to me and open up to me. So nothing changed between January and now, other than I realized you weren’t going to contact me. And I decided if you’re moving on, or not contacting me, I better do something about that. Because I would regret it if I didn’t. And I assume you miss me too, no matter what is going on, in fact I know you miss me just like I miss you, even if you got huge cold walls up, I know better. No sense sitting on pride and fearing rejection. Clearly I’m not afraid of being rejected by you.

So, I really think this is a mistake. I accept my responsibility for my role in it, and I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. I can’t imagine my life without my best friend, and I would very much like to come together, put the past behind us, and put a plan together to fix things. I also understand you likely don’t want that at all, and have moved on. And so, I will stop asking and pushing.

We both would change some things. I love you, you’re my best friend, and I want to fix that. If not, thats ok too, but because we wanted to marry each other and talked about a family, I want you to be very very very sure before I stop my months long mission here of asking you to fix things. And if you do want to try to fix it, or talk about trying to fix it, I would encourage you to talk to me about that. It’s never too late to change things, you only get one life, and life is way too short not to throw it out there.”