Reconciling with FDS while having the personality of a provider - what should I do!?

Radiant_Success · 2020-03-02T08:26:37+00:00

Your love languages (as in, the way that you show/give live, as opposed to the way that you prefer to receive love) are acts of service and gift giving.

I think its important for us to realize the way that we give love and affection, and then to reign it in UNLESS and UNTIL we're actually in love and in an exclusive committed relationship. While you're dating, be very cognizant of yourself and what you're communicating, because you don't love everyone.

I think as women, we have the tendency to display our giving love and affection language pretty early on, and we become disillusioned and upset when its not well received or reciprocated, when that person has done nothing to earn it or deserve it from us, and 9 times out of 10, they're not the right person to receive that from us.

When you find yourself showing wanting to show affection early on in your love language, dial it back 1000 notches. Do your thing, but in a teeny tiny very subtle way. No grand gestures of giving of your time, physical affection, service, gifts, or verbal ego stroking; its unnecessary, unwarranted, and undeserved.

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-02T08:33:23+00:00

I would get a domesticated pet, this is something I'll be doing soon. Just knowing I'm responsible to care for another being and that we give each other affection will help alleviate the urge to care for a potential/bf when he's more than likely not marriage-minded with me. Just speaking from experience living in a college town.

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-02T08:37:46+00:00

It's not that you shouldn't be that way, but perhaps that caring nature runs the risk of you being unappreciated by those who may take advantage. I get that it's an inherent thing with a lot of us to want to nurture, but don't waste it on someone who won't be likely to nurture you back. It's emptying to give so much of yourself and receive little in return. That's why I suggest getting a pet that you can form a bond with.

AntiCircles · 2020-03-02T13:00:44+00:00

Provide for other women in your life. Just never the men

heavenlycaterpiller · 2020-03-02T08:36:39+00:00

Imagine how you would ideally feel in your ideal relationship. Really feel into that sense.

Is it the sense of being a provider? Planning dates and making sure everything is taken care of? Or is it being taken care of by your man? Knowing that he is planning dates for you and making sure everything is taken care of? Some combination thereof?

Our personalities are formed by our traumas and unique initial circumstances. Everyone has personality traits that started off as coping mechanisms, like being a caretaker, which is what you’re describing. These traits are both incredibly wonderful and terrible depending on how they manifest in one’s life. It sounds like being a caretaker is mostly positive for you but you’re wondering if there isn’t an even better way to love and be loved available. Or you just want reassurance that you can be your partner’s caretaker and that’s what works for you.

Personally, and I’m just having this insight now, I developed the trait of being “lazy” and impulsive because my family was extremely “tiger parent” work work work with every hour of the day structured for maximum productivity. In my rebellion I could be free-spirited, relaxed, spontaneous. This trait has both served me well in my creative life but has been devastating in other areas of life. Hmmmmmm 🤔

circescircus · 2020-03-02T15:02:19+00:00

"I genuinely derive joy from treating people to nice things, planning activities and dates, making sure things are taken care of, ensuring others are happy and comfortable."

That doesn't necessarily sound like a "provider", it sounds like you're just an empathetic, responsible person who knows how to make others feel happy, valuable and like they are special. It just means that you're awesome.

And if you're awesome, you deserve to be with another awesome person who can reciprocate and make you feel as happy and valuable as you make them feel.

Most women on FDS aren't looking for a super wealthy guy, so they can not work and live off of him. In fact, FDS is adamant about women being financially independent. But we don't apologize for wanting a man who not only has his shit together, but takes pride in his ability to be a provider, and enjoys providing. In the not distant past, and in many cultures still, women still have these standards and they don't have to apologize for it. Libfems and LVM have just brainwashed women to think otherwise. A man being a provider is crucial screening criteria, because men who do not like to provide, even if they have a good job, even if they are super rich, will never be a HVM who will treat you with respect, kindness and empathy.

Part of FDS, is dismantling our ideas about "equality". When women go Dutch on dates for instance-- who puts more energy, time and money into getting ready for the date? Women. If the date develops into a relationship, who is going to be the one to give more emotional support, who is the one who is going to do most of the household tasks, household organization and childcare? Women. Who is the one who will get pregnant, give birth and breastfeed? Women.

When will men care about "equality", outside of sharing blame and sharing bills? Don't fall for the libfem and LVM concept of "equality".

And if anything, what you describe here sounds like you're both an excellent nurturer AND provider. How many men do you think will match you? Find a man who can be at least half the man you are.

There are almost no men out there, who can compensate for lack of providing with nurturing. Men are just not nurturing or emotionally supportive in the way women are. The best they can do is not be an asshole, be a good provider, be proud of you, respect you and treat you well.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-03-02T09:53:48+00:00

I'm very similar to you, OP, and I think some great advice has been posted here. In particular I support the idea of getting a pet. Prioritizing and caring for a creature that loves you unconditionally is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling in a way that a partner can't provide. My pets mean everything to me and I'll always put them above any man.

Sewud · 2020-03-02T10:14:26+00:00

I am like this too. When I dated guys I paid for everything and organized everything. I was planning on being a high earner and marrying a low earner. But the guy I dated when I was in medical school kind of steamrolled me for everything I had. I loved giving and serving, but this guy just didn't care how much he took and asked for. I think you need to be ruthless in not just saying any guy.

MariaDolorosa · 2020-03-02T07:41:34+00:00

As long as you are genuinely happy and living a life that you are proud of, you’re doing great. I don’t think being empowered as a woman means denying one’s nurturing, provider instinct. It just means making sure it’s going to people who truly appreciate you and value your character.

Often women who have this instinct and are dealing with low self-esteem run the risk of giving everything to a man who brings them down emotionally, financially, physically etc. With a strong sense of self-worth though, generosity can be a true blessing to others. Make sure the men (and people in general) in your life have a generous spirit too, so that it’s not a one-way street.

Moral of the story: as long as you’re choosing your partners wisely, your character is something to celebrate.

leahtwo · 2020-03-02T11:23:06+00:00

I think it's also important to figure out if this is simply your preference, or if you're not capable of letting go and being taken care of... Type A personality with the desire to be in control etc. If you haven't thought about this and then meet a HVM that genuinely wants to do nice things for you which you can't accept, it'll turn out poorly.

I'm learning, for the first time, how to accept being taken care of. It's freaking delightful lol.

2020-03-02T09:27:59+00:00

You don't have to live your entire life to a T with this subreddit's advice. A lot of people disagree with opinions here and there, I also personally don't agree with everything posted here and that's okay. It's healthy to disagree and debate with certain things. The goal of this subreddit isn't to force you to blindly follow and agree with everything here like a cult, it's to open your eyes to your own worth and to keep you safe from men who are dangerous or time wasters.

That being said, I personally love giving my bf gifts and flowers. He deserves them. He sure as shit would not be getting them or my time if he treated me like shit though

PinkberryCupcake · 2020-03-02T16:57:16+00:00

You can still "provide" for you friends and family.

puppy-guppy · 2020-03-02T17:42:24+00:00

This is exactly what i'm trying to figure out at the moment! So far, directing my "Provider" shit towards my best friend has been my only solution. This is working well so far because I know she appreciates it and I get to feel good because I know that our relationship is actually based on mutual respect. We are also roommates at the moment so I can direct that energy toward her whenever I feel like I need it.

Mollzor · 2020-03-02T21:39:48+00:00

Never give more than you receive. Spend your time and energy on the people you love and cherish and who are important to you, not random guys from tinder.

B_Project · 2020-03-02T22:54:08+00:00

Turn to pets, children and family members. Never your romantic interest. They want a lover, not a mother. And it’s emasculating to men. Let them take care of and provide for you. Check out SheraSeven1 on YouTube and she talks about this in some of her videos and how to dial it back and why you should.

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-02T11:31:46+00:00

Also if you have a great income you can afford to spoil your pet, give them the best veterinary care, etc. You can probably get another companion for them as well.

theotheraccount0987 · 2020-03-02T07:16:01+00:00

Not sure how being generous and giving is incompatible with FDS?

You can give people presents and organise special dates.... just don’t waste them on someone who a)can’t reciprocate, or b) won’t reciprocate.

FDS = Don’t chase after someone who just isn’t that into you, don’t shower someone with attention and money if they don’t appreciate you or your efforts.

You can still do nice things for people, just be careful of who you choose.

greatmanatee2 · 2020-03-02T15:30:43+00:00

I'm like that too. The way I see it, I only give to people I think "deserve it." I imagine myself in a relationship where I'm working my ass off for a guy who doesn't appreciate me at all and takes advantage. Since I am horrified by that thought, I've raised my standards tremendously to make sure that someone truly deserves me. Also, as others have said, put your love into something other than men, i.e. a pet, plants, your work, art, the homeless, family, friends, etc.

2020-03-02T14:40:53+00:00

I do not think it is incompatible. You have to be selective about who you provide for. Those who show you unconditional love get your unconditional love back. Those who leech off you should be phased out, so that your loved ones can get even more of your love.

2020-03-02T19:53:30+00:00

I'm the same. I'm trying to Shepard my behavior towards myself and friends instead. I think I will have to accept that I can never baby my partner except for a short time when they are down and cut it off if they take too long to pick themselves up.

I want to have kids one day and I can wait til then to go full lovey provider.

Title	Reconciling with FDS while having the personality of a provider - what should I do!?
Author	FutileDeathStar
Upvotes	64
Comments	33
Date	March 2, 2020 6:59 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fc89et/reconciling_with_fds_while_having_the_personality/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/reconciling-with-fds-while-having-the-personality.681132 https://theredarchive.com/post/681132

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