Triangulation is a big, red flag

StillAwakeofCourse · 2020-02-17T19:26:53+00:00

Very effective. It taps into several layers of manipulation at once - not wanting to be like one of those "bad" women in his past, not wanting to leave him and then become one of those stories he tells, subtly pitting you against other women, faking intimacy by telling you private stories, etc.

Coconut975 · 2020-02-17T19:46:12+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I’ve seen this not just in romantic relationships but at work and with female friends. My ex best friend from my school days was doing this constantly. I always wondered why every new friend she made always hated me and I eventually figured out what she was doing but I didn’t have a name to put to it.

SureEmployment4 · 2020-02-17T19:30:19+00:00

Absolutely. Ladies please read this and familiarize yourself with this tactic- I wish I was aware of this years ago. I was in a relationship with someone who triangulated me with his ex before I’d even known him for 2 months! He spent the rest of the relationship trying to manipulate and gaslight me, and it ended when he cheated on me.

If I had been armed with this knowledge I wouldn’t have wasted a year and a half with that loser.

butterflymeadowzz · 2020-02-17T19:24:22+00:00

This happened to me and if you don’t have a solid foundation of who you are, it could destroy you.

zookamochie · 2020-02-17T22:33:53+00:00

So my ex did this to me with... wait for it... my roommates cat. Lol he literally didn’t have another girl to try to flaunt or idealize so he would talk about how much he loved this girl’s cat and show her (the cat) verbal and physical affection while withholding that kind of attention from me. Literally writing this makes me feel crazy but that’s the whole idea behind it. He did end up being emotionally abusive and that was the first red flag that seemed off which I ignored. 2.5 years wasted on that tool.

snail-post · 2020-02-18T00:02:16+00:00

I never understood this sort of tactics. Trying to get pity on the very beginning of dating stages is kinda lame. Stop the freaking whining you wuss! I believe firmly that every conflict is coming from both sides. So the guy must have shit on his hands to some degree too. Always playing the victim is toxic behaviour. A big heeeeelll no! Have those sort of garbage enough in the office everyday all day long. No need for one more as a partner.

And trying to make you jealous part: why you here when she's better?! Got no time for hypocrites but for people who value me sincerely.

ivy176 · 2020-02-18T00:29:09+00:00

Yep, my ex used fake sob stories about how awful I was to sleep and live with some woman, when he was actually a wife beater and I gave him everything he wanted that I could afford.

But to his surprise, not all women are as responsible as me with birth control. She got pregnant like the first time they had sex and now he's got a gf and kid to support.

mandoa_sky · 2020-02-18T02:11:22+00:00

every time i hear that i've always backed off. to me, the result is them "friend-zoning" themselves

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2020-02-18T05:06:44+00:00

I’m starting to think my ex did this early on...

1) he told me only in passing though, that his recent ex was “crazy” but didn’t go into much, so I thought it was a slip of the tongue. But he KEPR mentioning her, also said he keeps in touch with her brother, and also lied about a picture on fb and gaslighted me saying “I was crazy insecure jealous” but I knew it was hers.

2) always bought up female friends out of nowhere “you don’t have candles like other chicks. Most other chicks have candles. Like the two I lived with.”

3) how often do you spray tan? I have a chick friend that does tans (turns out he was flirty texting her when he was with me)

4) talked about how well he got on with his cousin. And just added “yea she’s cool, she’s 18” (he’s in his 30s, why even mention that)... I actually don’t even know if this cousin exists...because the only one that lives where he is is a male.

5) went away from work and just randomly dropped in a story of an 18 year old that was working in that shop, and how she had an older husband. There was no context to this.

6) would always randomly talk about his exes. No context just bring it up.

He also used sob stories:

told me on the first date about when he broke his back (and the story changed even for this)
told me how one of his exes attacked him with a shovel (which later was a kitchen object...)
told me randomly he’s never cheated on a gf (just out of the blue). But that he has been cheated on (one time it was twice and another time it was three times).
told me how his recent ex just abandoned him out of nowhere.
told me that he had been in an abusive relationship before (jealous girl who hit him)...

So basically setting the stage for pretending he’s a nice genuine guy, who’s been through a lot so is humble, but also not to cheat, or abusive him (so don’t ask questions and prove your loyalty)...wow. I was done over big time!

Thanks for this post, put things into perspective.

WestAtmosphere · 2020-02-18T00:40:10+00:00

I’ve never felt bad for guys that have used sob stories. Maybe I’ve just known better, but whenever he calls an ex or whoever crazy in my head I’m sort of like 95% chance she has a reason to be.

Iprotestthetest · 2020-02-17T19:26:10+00:00

I can think of a few good examples. It’s nice to know about this now!

FuckinGandalfManWoah · 2020-02-18T10:41:53+00:00

I've caught a guy doing this before. He just randomly co-opted a conversation to talk about a really "cool, down to earth" female friend who he was chilling with this weekend. He was low-key observing me (not looking in a natural way, but visibly watching for my reaction).

Hadn't heard of triangulating then, so assumed it was a shit test, checking for how jealous I was. So I cheeky smiled and was like "oh are you two dating?"
He backpedalled fast, saying they were just friends, but I just subtly doubled down "Oh is she not single right now? I'm sure you two will work things out eventually if you're meant to be together.." with an encouraging nod.

Watching his look of horror as I subtly put him in his place and pulled the rug from under him was delicious. I could practically hear the "ABORT MISSION" sirens in his head. Even then in my pre pinkpill days I still knew men only try this shit when they're confident you want them and want to see if you're fully on the hook.

Then he was talking to mutual friends saying he wasn't sure if there was something between us or not, knowing it'd be fed back to me. I was like "noo he's into someone else." and absolutely refuted any insistence he liked me.

My mum always tells me my tether is too short for guys I'm seeing, and I should drop my "one chance" rule..

gcthrowaway2019 · 2020-02-18T10:08:17+00:00

Best response to the latter is "Oh, so that's why she's dating you! Wait..."

Few_Reputation · 2020-02-18T08:08:10+00:00

I could write detailed explanation using my personal experience. My ex was master manipulator and he used his female friend to triangulate. His female friend was exact opposite of me. Tall and slim. And he’d always tell me he likes tall girls. When I couldn’t find him, or he was lost in contact, he’d always be with her. It made me so stressed that I started to stalk her instagram. But in conclusion, if the guy is doing this to you, tell him to fuck off and date the girl he is describing. Better use of his time and mine.

Triangulation is very dangerous manipulation tactic. And I still have trauma because of my ex.

Title	Triangulation is a big, red flag
Author	Whateverrr_345
Upvotes	293
Comments	38
Date	February 17, 2020 7:19 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f5dy4b/triangulation_is_a_big_red_flag/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/triangulation-is-a-big-red-flag.693726 https://theredarchive.com/post/693726

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