How to better demonstrate value?

brooke261 · 2017-05-26T15:29:29+00:00

Sometimes relationships don't work out.

Willow-girl · 2017-05-27T12:10:48+00:00

When I read posts like this it makes my blood boil. Here we have what sounds like a perfectly nice young lady who has been led to believe that she's now 'damaged goods' because she -- GASP! -- had sex with a man!

Hon, my N-count is somewhere in the 30s -- I never bothered to keep track and no man has ever asked me, either. N-count is a big deal on these forums but not so much IRL, IMO. Stop obsessing over it, and instead analyze this relationship to try to see where things went off the rails, and use that information to make better choices next time.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing you and the man are both pretty young, and it's possible you did nothing wrong and he simply wasn't done sowing his wild oats (in which case, he did you a favor by breaking it off and not just running around behind your back!).

I loved what the Rhino said about kissing a frog and not a prince. Yup! And beware of the bitterness ... that is what REALLY damages women, IMO, not having had lots of lovers. Don't make the next guy pay for the last guy's faults, lol.

hepaticfeedback · 2017-05-26T16:01:48+00:00

Your worth isn't related to how inexperienced you are with men. Some men think they prefer that, few men actually do. They would rather be with a girl who is capable of navigating sex and relationships in a mature way, which doesn't happen by abstaining from dating.

Most guys don't want to feel "married to" the girl they're dating, even if it's only the good aspects of that (like being cooked for, complimented constantly, etc.). Being in a relationship has all shades of formality and intimacy and you just skipped all the interim between "dating" and "married" and he may have been overwhelmed or just disinterested by your strict adherence to the RPW formula. Not engaging in mindless chatter, for instance: a must when your husband is home from a hard day's work, an extreme minus when you are still getting to know the person you're in a relationship with.

Willow-girl · 2017-05-27T16:20:07+00:00

I'm going to add a caveat to my previous: Much is made here of securing a 'commitment' before having sex, but in reality, a verbal commitment is worth the paper it's printed on (lol). It can be undone as easily as saying, "Whoops, changed my mind!" So be cognizant of that, young ladies, and gauge the risks accordingly!

nerdforsure · 2017-05-26T15:36:10+00:00

I mentioned this in a comment a few days ago, but someone mentioned the book "Why Men Love Bitches" in a previous thread and I think reading that book might help you.

What it sounds like to me (and like many of the other advice posts on here), is that you are doing everything a RPW should do AFTER she is married. But when first dating a guy? You have to keep your guard up. Don't cater to his every need. Don't be so willing and eager. You're vetting. You're judging HIM. Is HE worth YOUR time? Being too nice/too available turns men off. I can speak from personal experience being rejected and likewise, myself rejecting men because they were too nice.

You're not worth less because of this relationship or because your n-count is now ONE person higher. I think the fact that you are doubting your worth in the first place is the larger issue. Seriously read that book.

Banincoming · 2017-05-26T20:14:14+00:00

I had a girlfriend who was the perfect RPW, but at the time I was a beta feminist, and didn't see her RPW traits as values. So vet to stay away from boys like I was. :)

sekoiasan · 2017-05-26T18:23:21+00:00

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, despite having put so much effort in the relationship. While you're doing a great job of the more feminine "duties" (supportive, sex, homemaking), it could be that you're too "prim", and lacking the fun and spontaneous "non-duties-but-necessaries". I think you would benefit from the advice of this sidebar post.

TheLaughingRhino · 2017-05-27T09:46:18+00:00

It's only a failure if you did not learn from the experience. Try to look at it that way.

As for "value" - Be the change you want to see in the world. Gandhi said that.

Whatever you desire in a partner or another person, strive to be that yourself. If you want someone to truly listen to you, then try to truly listen to others. If you want to meet someone who is kind and generous, be kind and generous yourself. If you want someone who is fit, be fit yourself. (I'm saying these things as generalities as examples, I'm not reflecting that any of this applies or does not apply to you directly. These statements could formulate for anyone here....)

As long as you stay true to you, then don't worry about the rest. Sometimes it just won't work out. You can do your best and it might not work out. And it can be discouraging.

Maybe the lesson here, and not a criticism, is time will reveal everything about everyone if you are willing to look and listen. Maybe next time, a longer time period for vetting without sex, will help you find what you are looking for better.

This is sort of complicated, because the "old ways" had a more functional sense of check and balance. In the old ways, a courtship meant the guy had to ask the girls father for permission to court her. He understood that to "disrespect" her would mean complete and total violence. He understood the community would turn on him if he violated her innocence. She understood to give the milk for free and not have him buy the cow would mean social shame. I'm not saying that old way was perfect, it still had flaws, but there were simply more mechanisms in place to help the restraint factor.

Be the best version of you possible, strive for that , do your best, let time work for you, and accept it's OK not to be so hard on yourself as long as you are learning from the experience.

You kissed a frog and not a prince. How long the bitter taste lingers in your mouth is entirely up to you. Good luck.

-Wind- · 2017-05-26T19:46:40+00:00

Cutesy dates...(all his ideas)

I was sexually available... and I was often the initiator

He told me he wanted to be in a relationship

He seemed really genuine

Umm, I could be reading too much into this, but would you consider him masculine at all? Generally, it will be the woman that pushes for commitment and the man pushes for sex.

If he didn't push for sex at least once while you were dating, I would consider that a red flag indicating passivity. Any healthy, masculine man that is attracted to you will want to have sex as soon as reasonably possible...that doesn't mean that he only wants sex, it just means that it's your job to delay him until you get some form of commitment and emotional connection.

I only mention this because it seems like you're doing a lot of things right if you want to attract and keep a Captain. The thing is, if he's not masculine/Captain-material, he's not going to appreciate being expected to lead all the time, make all the decisions, and have all of the attention on him; it's a lot of responsibility.

Again, I could be reading the situation incorrectly. Please feel free to correct me if this isn't the case.

cynicalhousewife · 2017-05-29T00:27:30+00:00

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. He lead you to believe he wanted a serious relationship and he got cold feet. It happens these days to women all the time. Men today get sex without the responsibility of having a wife. That's the reality of modern relationship dynamics and they do not benefit women. A small number of women will not be able to change this, women as a collective need to start seeing their inherent value and make men work hard for the privilege of having sex with them. The pressure on you and every other woman in the west in universal. I find it sad when young girls get so guilty over it. I'm not saying this is an excuse to go to the club and pick up a new man every weekend, but a lot of women build up a pretty high n count from just having sex with men they have been lead to think wants more from them and this is a very modern problem.

RedPillWonder · 2017-05-26T17:00:24+00:00

I feel like I spent four months devaluing myself to future men. ...if my number is now one higher? Am I worth less because of my past relationship?

Worth less? A little, yes.

Worthless? No!

About the former, you'll find it varies from man to man. It's not either 100% or 0%. Many men who have options will put a higher premium on a woman having a very low N-count if they're considering an LTR and marriage. And each "notch" diminishes a woman in their eyes a little or a lot, depending on other factors.

Others have more of a range. They may prefer a woman with a lower N, say a handful or less, as opposed to a woman who's number is in the teens, twenties, or higher.

And, of course, still others don't care.

As a general "rule" though, most guys if they have a choice between two women, and all other things being equal among the women, or close to it, will likely choose the woman who has far less partners.

That said, when a woman exhibits and demonstrates traits and expresses actions such as you say you did in your post, to many men, that outweighs other things such as a slightly higher N count.

Keep focusing on you and being the best woman you can be. Vet very carefully and you'll find the man you're looking for and who's looking for you.

Side note: Awhile back, there was one woman on here who said she found that guys would stay around in the beginning without having sex (even for a month or two) and when she felt like the relationship was serious, she would start having sex with the man she was dating. This lasted awhile, then when she would ask where the relationship was going, and wanted to get serious, they would leave. This happened time after time.

So yeah, some guys will wait around, make you think things are serious and then enjoy the sex when it happens but when pressed, will leave when you try and get much more serious. And when it happens, you've done nothing but use up more of your youth, time and add to your N count with each one, thereby reducing your "value" in some men's minds and confining yourself to a smaller dating pool of men who don't mind what one's N count is.

You have to decide what risks and rewards are worth it to you.

innerho · 2017-05-28T17:59:13+00:00

put you first. doesn't matter how you act in front of anybody else, look out for you first. make a bubble bath. light some scented candles.

work to please yourself the same way you'd try to please a boyfriend. dress up for yourself or cook nice stuff for yourself or do whatever. the feeling of worth will come back when you've spent a little bit of time bringing up your own value.

do some glow-up. maybe get a new look. make sure that the next time he sees you, its in killer red heels. leave him reeling and wondering about his worth. doesn't matter how much sex you have, there's lots of kinds of worth.

basically what i'm saying is glam your feet, dress them up, and use your new heels to step all over him with just a passing glance.

lidlredridinghood · 2017-05-29T15:28:45+00:00

Generally agreeing with the other women here. Unless you tell them, guys aren't ever going to ask for a number, so one or two either way doesn't matter.

There's two main things to balance here. 1) having more experience, to understand how relationships work. How the captain/ first mate dynamic is built.... it's not an automatic thing, as it requires so much trust, and he has to accept the transaction. This process is slow, and experience trying new things will give you more perspective about how to build a relationship.

2) RP warns against women becoming bitter, believing no one willl ever keep them, because they've had so many relationships not work out. That presented with a real captain, she will self sabatoge until it falls apart. I'm in this category... it's something I'm working to heal every day. I got here from 10 years of relationships going down hill with BP mind set.

So, learn what you can. Have fun while you're doing it... and stay pliable. Figure out what he wants, and slowly give it to him, as he does the same for you.

And seriously, pamper yourself. Do the things that make you feel awesome. Get some flowers, make yourself dinner. Go work out... the endorphins are invaluable. Your value's not diminished... you just had an unfortunate experience, and gained some perspective.

Title	How to better demonstrate value?
Author	AbsoluteSaint
Upvotes	20
Comments	46
Date	May 26, 2017 2:32 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6dhb32/how_to_better_demonstrate_value/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-better-demonstrate-value.72868 https://theredarchive.com/post/72868

Comments