Should you tell your partner about your past?

CarmenFoxy · 2020-12-15T02:15:30+00:00

I believe its best to be honest about these things. Doesn't mean you should spill it all in the first week but once you're comfortable and know you really want something serious with this person you both should begin to open up. Even when it comes to things like abuse. And if someone sees you as less valuable because of it then they aren't for you

AnarchoNAP · 2020-12-15T01:57:38+00:00

Yes, you should get to know and be close with the person that you’re building a life with.

sparklesandsmiles · 2020-12-15T02:11:16+00:00

Yes you should. If you hide it it'll be a bigger problem in the future.

sliprymdgt · 2020-12-15T02:50:18+00:00

Yes.

Source: A sweet girl I liked a whole lot, who held a torch for me for about a year lied to me about her sexual past.

I ended our dating relationship on the spot when I confronted her with the truth and she finally fessed up.

Had she been honest with me from the beginning, it could have made the difference between me dumping her or not.

bananaboat95 · 2020-12-15T07:31:53+00:00

Interestingly, my partner of 5 years doesn’t know and has never wanted to know anything about anyone who came before him. He doesn’t care and would rather not hear a damn thing. At first I was slightly offended by this because I interpreted it as disinterest in my past and my story. Now I realize that he’s an overthinker and doesn’t want our life together to be clouded by scars from the past. He wanted us to be something entirely new, and he made that possible for me.

Edit: I did try multiple times to give him the R rated details because transparency is probably the right thing, but first ask if he wants to know. He may not!

TranslatedSky · 2020-12-15T03:49:24+00:00

You should vet carefully before divulging. Another perspective to consider is that knowing that you are a victim of abuse/cheating may signal to abusers, cheaters, and “saviours” that you’re a target. It’s sad but true, especially for physical abusers it’s another way to downgrade you and make it easier for them.

So divulge only when you get close, or better yet wait for them to open up to you. Going into engagement or marriage without divulging though is a big no, but understandably if it’s a very painful memory you may take longer to reveal.

Davidoff24 · 2020-12-15T07:55:49+00:00

I think we don't have to be 100% upfront about it. This doesn't mean we are hiding anything. It means we have things we want to keep only for our own intimacy. And that's OK.

I think it can be harmful if you expose yourself too much, especially on things you aren't sure you should be mentioning. He wasn't there and can interpret your words according to his own judgement which might not reflect your experience accurately.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2020-12-15T03:34:21+00:00

It depends. I think a person should be honest, but not necessarily an open book.

First, what is the purpose of telling the information? Is it something that will benefit the relationship or your partner in some way? Or is it merely to absolve yourself of a guilt you still carry? Have you grown from the experience or are you still struggling with it? I'd you are still struggling, why haven't you dealt with it yet? It also depends on how you present the information: succinct and to the point vs crying and emotional, blaming others.

If the issue is something that could have been in your control, then TBH a high value man may look at you differently once they know the information. For example, if you chose to stay in an abusive relationship when you know you should have left and had the opportunity, I believe a high value man may think you have poor decision making skills when it comes to picking a partner or other life choices.

Humans definitely repeat patterns in life, so it will be important to emphasize what you learned and how you self correct now to ensure that a similar mistake doesn't happen again.

I believe high value men want reliability, loyalty, and accountability from a woman. How else can they trust you will "have their back" if the sh*t hits the fan and they need you to steer the ship for a bit when they are down in life? They do not want to worry you'll make an emotional or impulsive decision, or leap into the arms of another if things look bleak for a bit.

But let's say it was beyond your control and hypothetically you were sexually assaulted in your past, and because of that there's a recurring issue in the bedroom resulting in tension between you and your partner, and he doesn't understand why. In that case it's best to be open and vulnerable because the past issue is an impediment to your present and future relationship.

Good luck to you!!

pandanetz · 2020-12-15T02:58:18+00:00

You should be open and it may change the way they see you but certainly not as much as finding out both about your past and the fact that you were not open/honest from the beginning. Build based on truth.

CrystalW187 · 2020-12-16T19:21:10+00:00

Absolutely you should, when the timing is right. Any man who would see you as less desirable because of past trauma isn’t worth your time or energy.

After several dates, I disclosed to my now-husband that I was battling anorexia, and had been for 8 years. I had always tried to keep that a secret from most guys I dated, but something about this guy made me want to open up to him completely.

He didn’t flinch even the tiniest bit. What he did do was devote himself to helping me get better. I had no health insurance at the time, so he essentially became my personal therapist. He would come over almost every day after work, and we would talk late into the night about my habits, my thoughts processes, etc. No one else in my life had ever made such a monumental effort to understand how my disorder worked. He researched eating disorders tirelessly and worked with me to help me overcome the neuroses that led me down the path of anorexia in the first place (low self-esteem, perfectionism, self-isolation, etc.). He was my constant sounding board and helped me identify my deeply irrational thoughts. He was with me every step of the way as I fought with myself internally to defeat my fear and regain all the weight I had lost.

With his help, I managed to beat a disease that many people (including doctors and professionals) believe can never be truly beaten. It was a gradual process, and it took me almost 4 years to finally let go of the last vestiges of that addiction. But I know now that I could never return to that way of thinking, even if I wanted to.

What he did is the single greatest thing anyone has ever done for me. He truly saved my life. Now we’ve been together for 8 years and he still amazes me every single day with his kindness, intelligence, and loyalty.

My advice: if you find someone you feel you can trust completely, and who you think has the potential to become your most important person, share with them what’s on your mind. Don’t be afraid to tell them your life story. Life is so much more fulfilling when you can be your true self with your partner. If you do this with someone and it doesn’t work out, don’t lose hope. Don’t settle for anyone who can’t/won’t love you unconditionally.

PinkOrchids2020 · 2020-12-15T05:43:36+00:00

I wouldn't unless this guy is your husband. Even then you will probably feel like you're bonding telling him this stuff because that's how women bond but men don't bond like this. Just let him know there's some abuse in the past and its over with. Just my opinion on what works for me. Over sharing in relationships is an issue. Id never do it again.

TwinLune · 2020-12-15T08:25:29+00:00

Yes.

I feel that honesty is more important than pretending to be virtuous and perfect in every aspect of your being; I don't feel like that's sustainable or healthy for you and it feels like an impossible burden to carry for a long period of time. You'll need to find the right time to open up, though; too early can be worse than never at all.

I shared my life story with my husband, and he his; I felt as though it really helped us find the right path to becoming the best couple we could be. I think it's nice to also know areas of weakness so that you can support your husband during tough situations. Men tend have a hard time opening up, so learning about their past experiences could help support them in the future (even if they can't verbalize their struggles).

I think that if a boyfriend or love interest leaves you for your past, you two probably weren't the best match overall. It's so tiring trying to fit a square peg into a triangle and sometimes it's best to wait for the right fit. Personally, I feel like there's nothing wrong with marrying a bit older--I didn't until I was 32. However, due to ovarian cancer (hysterectomy), I cannot have biological children so my situation will be different than most on this subreddit who wish to have their own children.

Artemis360b · 2020-12-15T10:50:49+00:00

I don't think there's anything specific about men that makes it a bad idea to tell them. I think there's as much a chance of it backfiring in a woman telling a man about abuse as there is in a man telling a woman about abuse. Just ask yourself, if one of your female friends who have never experienced abuse was told by her male partner about abuse he'd suffered, would this be a bad move by him? What would her reaction be?

ILoveCuteKitties · 2020-12-15T11:38:02+00:00

Seems like other users have it covered on disclosing past abuse. I think it’s important to be vague on details on any sexual abuse. Your partner is not psychologically equipped to handle anything graphic. I was raped or molested would suffice.

Upmybuttpleasesir · 2020-12-16T16:52:35+00:00

Connection is self-disclosure.

If you can not be yourself and they do not support you in your growth then why bother?

Take your time in getting to know someone, and don't pretend to be someone you are not.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2020-12-19T22:13:16+00:00

Don’t dump this on them on the first or second date, that’s a way to get labeled crazy or baggaged/damaged.

When you’ve been with someone who cares about you for a little while and something regarding a history like this this comes up, I would mention it, yes.

If you feel a need to mention it immediately, then you most likely have some internal growth to do.

Impossible_Position9 · 2020-12-22T18:50:56+00:00

2020-12-26T22:14:33+00:00

Only if you want to tell him

Nalisahk · 2020-12-15T04:31:40+00:00

Yes coming from a man, you should definitely tell him about your past. It’ll help understand anything that may come up or help him tend to things or even be careful about touchy subjects. The only thing you risk is his view of you changing. Your honesty and openness will either draw in him closer to you or he’ll perceive what he’s learned of you as a sign to back out. If he does back out that is ok. Life continues

-Raksu- · 2020-12-15T11:32:30+00:00

I've heard that past abuse should not be mentioned unless it literally affects your everyday life. If it does, though, shouldn't you be focusing your energy on healing, not on a relationship?

Title	Should you tell your partner about your past?
Author	_biryani_
Upvotes	49
Comments	43
Date	December 15, 2020 1:55 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/kdc5e0/should_you_tell_your_partner_about_your_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/should-you-tell-your-partner-about-your-past.731258 https://theredarchive.com/post/731258

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