If he wanted to, he would

AliceInDatingland · 2020-12-05T17:28:40+00:00

I really feel for the younger ones (25ish and younger) on this because I think there are obvious stages where priorities change - going to/from university, that first job, living on your own for the first time... It can be hard to tell if the "want" will become reality because there just hasn't been much time/resources to achieve it yet. (Not gonna lie - I see far more women achieve their potential as time goes by.)

However, in my age group (40+), history is definitely on my side. He's had time to decide how he's going to live his life, and I need to accept what I see. Even if there were extenuating circumstances (recently lost job for example), there are smaller steps that can be made in the right direction.

Sage_Planter · 2020-12-05T16:30:57+00:00

The same can be applied to us, too.

I've just found in relationships, I'm always the one actually doing the thing while my partner is the one who says they'll do the thing.

Mindeska · 2020-12-05T17:41:20+00:00

This👏👏👏

The only exception is a weak personality (laziness, cowardice) and lack of will power. For example they actually want to be fit but too lazy to go to gym or lack the self control to stop eating unhealthy food. Or they actually like you, but too coward or insecure to make the fisrt move. Don't buy their excuses, even if they actually "want" to do shit, but lazy/ coward/ undisciplined it means they are LV anyway. Keep your standards up and level up ladies ❤

chatrebelle · 2020-12-05T16:43:43+00:00

So true. Society needs to stop saying to women that we should take a man that doesn't do anything and BuIlD hIm uP. No. He would do it himself if he wanted to.

onceuponasea · 2020-12-05T18:32:06+00:00

I dated a guy who always said he wanted to do things but would come up with all types of excuses as to why he couldn’t get there, mainly it was his “depression” that stopped him from achieving said goals. I told this man several times that he should go to a therapist and never went. Now, I will no longer suggest it twice. But my next man will have already gone to therapy,coaches,mentors etc So it won’t even be a question.

Mind-Objective · 2020-12-05T19:22:24+00:00

Post break up I had someone apologized for not being there emotionally (ie emotionally supportive). Thinking about it now, I’m like, why? Who or what was preventing you? He added how emotions are a weakness to men, later bringing up how I didn’t go to him and decided to establish some arbitrary boundary.

Nothing but contradictory excuses in my eyes. Ultimately, you weren’t there.

Inspection-Critical · 2020-12-05T19:40:44+00:00

I'd add:

If he really wanted to get his shit together, he'd already be in therapy.

Men who refuse to get professional help are exhausting.

A guy recently told me he knows he should be in therapy but he plans to avoid it until he has a nervous breakdown and is forced to go. I feel bad for his girlfriend 🤦‍♀

HengroenAndLlamrei · 2020-12-05T19:29:00+00:00

Yes! I had a male friend who pursued me (despite my turning him down repeatedly; yes, I should have ended the friendship, I was very young and naive) and every year I saw him at an annual event he’d tell me how he was ‘getting in shape now’ because of a ‘bet with his buddies’ or ‘to prove he could’ or some other bullshit. Basically, he didn’t care about being in shape and only ever used words to talk about it because he thought, I don’t know, it would ensnare me or tempt me or something? That I should get in now before his glow up? Like, dude, you’ve said the same thing for the past 5 years a still have a pot belly! They want to put in 0 effort and yet get the rewards of the outcome. Talk is cheap. Pay attention to ACTIONS.

This same man had a barren house devoid of any decor (but anime figures) and actually told me he was waiting to get married so his wife could ‘have fun and decorate it’ like he was doing her a big favor. While, yes, having someone let you go crazy and decorate a home in your personal dream style and shop sounds fun on the surface, the subtext was he couldn’t be bothered or wasn’t cultured enough to bother with any quality furnishings on his own.

4everdoe · 2020-12-05T19:50:38+00:00

My friend is trying to hold onto a LVM who clearly doesn’t give 2 shits about her. They have only been “dating” for 2 months and he sounds like a piece of trash. She blames all his wrongdoings (not contacting her for 5 days and missing a trip they planned to go on together, his house being a wreck, drug abuse) on him being depressed and says she wants to be there for him to help him cope. All the while he is doing nothing to better himself. She’s basically clinging to a version of who he could be in her imagination. It’s disgusting to watch. I love my friend but it’s getting harder for me not to tell her to have some fucking self respect. If he wanted to be with you... he would!

Classy_Bunny · 2020-12-05T22:03:31+00:00

Thank you for posting this simple truth. I needed to read that. Too often in my life I make excuses for guys that aren't as present as I wish they would be. I forgive, I give other chances and then I wonder why I'm always disappointed.

2020-12-05T22:46:02+00:00

Men do exactly what they want

aliengames666 · 2020-12-05T19:27:36+00:00

I had a partner who was an alcoholic while I was also an alcoholic and eventually it got to the point for me where I couldn’t do it anymore and I told him it was either the alcohol or me, and he chose to get sober. I was ready to walk if he didn’t. He got and stayed sober for years, even after things ended with us.

Sometimes you saying something can help, but ultimately being in a place where you can say “it’s fine if you want to do this to yourself, but I won’t stick around for it”, and being able to follow through, is important. Someone has to want it for themselves too. So it is possible you might just hit that moment where you can set a boundary with someone who wants to change.

BUT

If they don’t want to change or they’re unwilling, or you’re putting in the effort and trying to force it or whatever, just get out. It’s not your job to buy into his sob story, protect him from the realities of his behavior, etc. you can always find someone new who doesn’t have his issues. I think people can get so set on “I must convince this specific person to love me” that they forget that there’s a man out there who won’t need you to nag him to make important life changes.

Foomama48 · 2020-12-06T01:03:34+00:00

If he wanted to have a close, intimate connection with his kids he would, not scapegoat you for their issues because he’s too lazy to deal with anything.

climbergal928 · 2020-12-05T18:17:23+00:00

Yes ma'am!!!

PumpkinTalkari · 2020-12-05T21:15:33+00:00

💯

tiavarga · 2020-12-06T00:23:52+00:00

No lies detected here.

KitKat1705 · 2020-12-06T15:02:48+00:00

I have actually dated men who dressed well could cook way better than me and had their house in order. Since it's all I know I don't expect less. Only better!!!!

Title	If he wanted to, he would
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	702
Comments	37
Date	December 5, 2020 4:03 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k79z6v/if_he_wanted_to_he_would/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/if-he-wanted-to-he-would.732237 https://theredarchive.com/post/732237

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