I keep getting ghosted before first dates and am at my wit's end.

liquidswan · 2017-09-23T02:24:08+00:00

If you practice getting good at video games you can attract men of the younger crowd, but if you're looking for an older man you might want to have an interest in something they like, gives you an excuse to get to know them better.

Men have a lot of respect for women who have hobbies and interests especially if they coincide with their own.

And before you say it would be fake, it's not, it's just learning something new, maybe you would like it, maybe you wouldn't, but the key is to be interesting, which you can be through having interests. At least this is how you can find a man with real interests, rather than some run-of-the-mill sort of fellow

Cardiscappa · 2017-09-23T02:54:36+00:00

I'm 25 and I'm going to hit the wall so soon and I wasted my early twenties with an emotionally abusive man who dumped me after I supported him all the way through acting school.

Don't sweat it. Hindsight is 20/20. The only mistake you can make now is not learning from the past. I've got nearly ten years on you and I get more attention now in my 30s then I did so called "pre-wall".

Online dating sucks for everyone, but you may be surprised to find that traditionally "cute" women have a much harder time than a woman that has something unique about her has a higher chance of messages than that cute girl. http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2017/09/21/relationshipstrategies/online-dating-is-only-good-for-swiping/

I'd suggest keep doing online dating, but only put about 30% of your energy into it. Put the rest into meeting someone offline. Stand up straight, head up, shoulders down and back, have a nice walk: a bit of spring adds youthfulness, no shuffling or duck walk! Smile at people and say hello to them. Older men (30's+) will see your worth and chat you up.

Like theredpillager said: you totally got this! <3

Edit: Depending on your hair, you could try really cute styles like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IIQHzWx8QM

Gardrothard · 2017-09-23T07:58:43+00:00

They are unmatching you because there's no sense of reality among people when doing online dating.
First of all, it's just a picture and you can unmatch and everything disappears, no awkward conversation or anything, no sense that that someone is a real person. Then, there's bunch of women there, and even though many won't swipe them back, just looking at bunch of women in skimpy clothes, signaling readiness for sex is enough to mess up with ones subconsciousness and make them think that they too are an option leading to impossible criteria. Women's hypergamy is also taken to more extreme levels. There's no trust and ghosting becomes normal and leads to more people making many dates on the same day, leading to more ghosting. This is the worst possible environment to find a partner.

And I can bet, at least one guy who ghosted you ended up doing it for some fat slob who hid it well in the pictures. You say you put flattering pics of yourself, but you haven't got a clue how much women lie on these sites, so you are competing with many who'd inflated their SMV. Seriously, get of the apps, even if you do find someone, chances are they aren't very good for you. Sure there are exceptions, but it's silly looking for that.

You need to put some heels, pull your back straight, wear a dress that makes that waist to hip ratio pop out and go outside. As others pointed out, try some new things, join clubs and so on.

RubyWooToo · 2017-09-23T13:00:15+00:00

Stop trying to meet people on the dating apps like Tindr or Bumble. It’s clearly not working for you and only making miserable. People use those apps with just as much seriousness as they approach a takeout menu.

As far as online dating goes, try eHarmony, Match, or one of the paid sites that requires people to put time and energy into a profile and where people tend to be more serious about finding relationships. Also, look for local activities in your area (like meet ups) where you can meet actual humans.

Lastly, seriously chill out about the Wall! You’re 25! 90% of the wall is in your head. If you’re freaking about it, you will only hasten its arrival.

fizzelixir · 2017-09-23T02:11:43+00:00

I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to get too down about these instances as a happy and inviting demeanor can be the most attractive part of someone. I’m sure it’ll happen, if not now, then later. There’s a whole world of people out there. What you can do now is focus on improving/refining yourself in terms of intellect, fitness (which you’ve already stated you’re doing), hobbies, talents, and things of the like. This may help you feel more positively about your self-worth, and it may also be very attractive to your future partner! Perhaps you may even find someone you share a bond and common interest with when you start pursuing these things more intently. I’d also like to suggest owning your appearance as confidence may be the most important beauty tool. You seem well-spoken and able to communicate your feelings very effectively, though I can see how this could be perceived as being too candid. Also, if you can help it, try not to share all your insecurities. That sounds kind of harsh, but I’ve come to learn that no one is as critical of me as I am of myself. Often the things I am most insecure about are not even being held within the consciousness of my observer until I bring attention to them.

GimmeKittens · 2017-09-23T03:23:16+00:00

Im currently reading The Surrendered Single and its changing a lot of my views on dating, maybe you could give it a try.

IS_SUBTLY_IRRELEVANT · 2017-09-23T09:58:30+00:00

My $.02 is that real world dating will have much better results if you want a regular dating life. I think apps and swiping is primarily for sex, and people have less respect for each other when they meet online initially. Good luck to you.

Tongsuyuk · 2017-09-23T12:18:54+00:00

Stop meeting people on tinder/bumble and hookup apps. They are ghosting you because u are a hookup on a hookup app.

kitschisland · 2017-09-23T18:51:11+00:00

First of all, I think you should delete the dating apps... Not because of what you said about your appearance but because you are insecure and most people on there are not caring and will probably damage a girl's self esteem.

I have your same body type and it has its advantages. :) A lot of guys like wide hips/slender waist and lifting weights your butt probably also looks good. :D Don't worry about it.

If you are so insecure about your hair, you could try wearing a good quality wig while your hair grows out. She for example always wears a wig and you can't even tell.

Anyway, like another user said, you should probably sign up to a more "serious" website, perhaps a paid one. And work on self-love (therapy, doing nice things for yourself, working on/making meaningful connections, meditation, you can even try things like CBD oil).

Loulibird · 2017-09-23T21:59:20+00:00

I had a lot of luck on dating apps. I made a very basic profile, stating that I just wanted to talk, 5-10 facts or interests, and a few honest pictures of myself. Then I would chat over texts, and then if we hit it off I would ask to skype with them. I would do this over 2 weeks, if we were still getting along I would start chatting about meeting in person. Skype dates were great, I didnt have to leave the house or really get ready or worry about having an exit plan, I would just make sure my lighting was good (key) crack open a beer in my jammies most of the time!

yakuzaou · 2017-09-23T02:30:27+00:00

From what you've said in your post and the comments, it seems to me that you still haven't fully recovered from whatever damage your ex has done. I'm pretty sure other people can pick up on that too especially if you have an extended conversation with them. The only thing I can think of is that you should focus more on yourself than on dating. You talk extensively about your appearance, but your SMV is only so valuable. Who you are as a person and what you have to offer beyond looks is what will keep a guy around. Also, how much do you talk to these guys before the first date? Ideally you should arrange a date and not message much beyond that.

LadyHelvetica · 2017-09-23T06:25:37+00:00

Alright, first thing's first, you've got to work on your self esteem. I see how you're trying to be realistic about yourself in the post, and I can commend that, but it does sound like you're a little down about your appearance, especially given the hair situation. People can feel that in conversation. They can feel the lack of confidence. And nothing is sexier than confidence. I understand you may not be happy with your looks right now, but you gotta buck up, buttercup. Find something about yourself that you are proud of and show it off. What's your best feature? Is it physical? It could also be emotional or mental? Maybe it's your laugh or your smile. Find something about you that is a good feature and play it up!

Next, look over your profile. Studies have found that women with more skin exposed get more matches. I'm not talking about bikini pics, I mean wearing a spaghetti strap top in one photo or finding a picture where you're wearing a sleeveless V neck. More skin around the face is better (i.e. Don't go for long sleeve crew neck and a mini skirt, it doesn't have the same effect), and it's fairly easy to do modestly. Also make sure you're smiling in at least half your photos. Secondly, look over your profile and make sure it's optimistic, upbeat and joyful. It's a list of things that make you feel cheery to read. If you don't feel good reading it, neither will he.

Next, when trying to get a date off an app, always, always, always have a phone call first. Phone calls before a date allow you to test for chemistry before you even get to the date. They're also a little lower stress than a date, especially because it's acceptable to end a phone call at 10 minutes whereas it would be a bit rude for a date. You can even tell him that you like to have phone calls first to screen guys. If the two of you can't enjoy a 5 minute conversation, wouldn't you like to know before you're both in a restaurant and more or less committed to hanging out for 45+ minutes? I've yet to find a man who didn't like this idea once it was explained to him.

Lastly, who told you it was a good idea to never express a differing opinion?! My goodness. Sure, it's unattractive to anyone when person aggressively disagrees, but it can be very flirtatious when done right. He says this place has the best tacos? Oh, sir, you must be mistaken. I've never been there, but I swear the tacos at this other restaurant are the best the city has to offer. Make it a game. Make it a chance for him to try to win you over. If he has to work to win you over for something little, like tacos, and then you do let him win, and he feels good about himself, he will start trying to win you over in other areas. It's a simple and fun trick that plays on his masculine desires to win and to impress a beautiful young woman. Agreeing with everything he says can make you feel like a doormat, but providing a differing opinion in a way that encourages him to try to change your mind is a great flirting technique.

Edit: Having seen your comment below where you go into detail about how your personality was different before your abusive relationship, I would say that's where your greatest issue lies. You appears to absolutely lack the confidence you used to have and don't engage in flirting, banter and playful arguments like you used to. On one hand, you really may want to see a therapist about all of this if that is an option. I would also recommend seeing if you have any friends who you would feel safe practicing some light flirting with. It does not have to be a guy. You just need to build up that confidence again and feel safe expressing yourself. Try being flirtatious and charming in relatively low risk scenarios- cashiers, old people at church, a coworker who tends to have a playful personality. The key word here being charming: don't stress yourself out trying to do too much at once. Ease yourself into it. You will get rejected in some of these scenarios, but that is okay because you are going to improve. You are going to get better and be a happy and confident person again- believe that. I, too, am 25 and was previously in an abusive relationship. I can see the mindset you're in because that's where I was a couple years ago. It gets better. You will get better. And you are more than welcome to send me a message anytime if you want someone to talk to.

brother_p · 2017-09-24T17:40:52+00:00

Hate to say it, but it sounds like guys swipe right on you to hedge their bets. They'll pick 2-3 girls, get a couple of dates lined up, then decide which one they want and ghost the rest. It's cruel and unfair, but that's what the dating app life is like.

By the way, this does not describe me as I am married and do not date.

happychanges · 2017-09-23T02:12:16+00:00

Are you rejecting men? How does your profile (what you talk about and write) look? How much older do you date? How is your personality. Your looks are enough to get them on a date, so I am inclined to think your energy and personality are sabotaging your chances... But without more information it is hard to say.

GreenTeaOnMyDesk · 2017-09-23T21:25:51+00:00

This is what being a man feels like.

So just remember it's a numbers game. To maximize chances of success, keep trying.

ElfFey · 2017-09-25T08:31:24+00:00

Your post just screams low self esteem. Most of it doesn't even make sense. You "can't compete in real life"??? What's going to happen when you meet a guy you like and are on a date with him, if you're telling yourself you "can't compete in real life"? Why are you memorizing such a self-sabotaging script?

I'm big on fitness so your next details really got to me. From your description, it sounds like there is absolutely nothing wrong with your body. Have you ever noticed how many fat girls are married, and you're over here complaining that you are fit and slender, but pear shaped??? Do you have any idea how crazy this sounds. Guys aren't avoiding you because you don't have a bombshell body, guys will literally fuck a pie given the chance, guys are avoiding you because you're trying to use them to boost your self esteem.

I think you should take a break from dating and spend ~1 month dating YOURSELF, as cliche as it sounds. Every morning look at yourself naked in the mirror and tell yourself some things you like about your body and personality. You need a little more confidence. I know it sucks I'm sorry.

liquidswan · 2017-09-23T02:20:16+00:00

I had this happen a few times. I stopped taking them seriously and moved into more serious folks. I mean, why should I waste my time an energy?

-a man

B4dk4rma · 2017-09-23T02:20:17+00:00

How much time are you leaving between your initial contact and your 1st date? I remember reading a post from someone who had dated a ton on the apps and noticed if they didn't meet soon after 1st contact it was much less likely to happen. He thought it may have to do with people building the date up too much i their head over time and wussin out at the last minute. Maybe try to set dates the same day you meet people online.

Shaela90 · 2017-09-23T05:20:09+00:00

You mention your last relationship changed you and that you only have 1-2 free nights a week.

This, to me, does not sound like you are in a good place for a relationship. Take you time, be alone, heal and when you do, you’ll become much more approachable offline.

While you heal, by all means, keep busy, but be ready for when you do find someone, your routines to become much harder to follow. Being single has its own perks, enjoy them.

TheBunk_TB · 2017-09-24T01:15:00+00:00

Did someone do a flyby?

Rivkariver · 2017-09-24T15:51:43+00:00

I just want to say that you should not take this to heart. Ghosting is a part of the online dating culture, for better or worse, and you must not take it personally. Get back on the horse and try again.

And yes, maybe pay for a more serious dating site like match or eharmony where people are seeking a partner, not just a swipe app where people are passing the time. I mean keep the swipe apps sure but focus on more serious ones.

Title	I keep getting ghosted before first dates and am at my wit's end.
Author	tryitonforsighs
Upvotes	17
Comments	31
Date	September 23, 2017 12:45 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/71v7xq/i_keep_getting_ghosted_before_first_dates_and_am/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-keep-getting-ghosted-before-first-dates-and-am.73471 https://theredarchive.com/post/73471

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