For women who settled for their partner - was there any sexual attraction at all, and if so, did it wane over time as a result of settling?

Learningtolove2021 · 2021-02-27T14:59:01+00:00

To be perfectly honest, there was a little attraction at first but not much, and it did wane, but it was more the result of sexual incompatibility and his refusal to talk about sex at all (among other factors on his side) that killed the attraction. I don't know what settling is. Does it mean any relationship in which your partner is a human being with flaws? Any relationship in which your partner isn't a collection of the body parts you would order out of a catalog? As others have said, relationships devolve for a lot of reasons. I think the idea of "settling" is a vast over simplification of a number of much more complex relationship issues.

anomanderforPOTUS · 2021-02-27T13:24:15+00:00

Dead bedrooms are just from a loss of intimacy in a relationship.

That can be from a lot of different reasons and I do not think settling is a predominant one, just one of many reasons.

Mismatched libidos very frequently cause dead bedrooms because of the pressure it puts on the low libido partner can put a negative stigma on sex.

Between stress and just everyday life there's a lot of things that can add to that.

I feel very lucky that my wife and I still have a very active sex life after being together for 16 years and having kids. I think most people's relationships just can't take all of that and maintain a frequent sex life.

Atlas__B__Shruggin · 2021-02-27T13:21:50+00:00

Was thinking about the number of relationships that end up with dead bedrooms. Is this a result of a lack of attraction or desire due to settling for a partner you wouldn't have normally has a relationship with?

not a "woman who settled for my partner", but--deadbedrooms dont necessarily arise from NEVER having been attracted to your partner OR from "settling", this is such a bizarre analysis that can only come from lack of relationship experience. time, life, age, stress, people getting out of shape, familiarity, the woman has kids/gets fat and doesnt feel attractive, the man gets fat or drinks too much, etc etc all of this takes a toll on almost EVERY long term relationship even if you get together 100% on sexual chemistry and started out fucking 5 times a day.

have none of you ever even watched a sit com? im always baffled as to how any of you ever got the idea that sex remains perfectly steady throughout long relationships when its a cultural trope forever that it does not

philomexa · 2021-02-27T16:00:24+00:00

Lack of attraction and desire for a partner generally doesn't arrive as a result of settling, dead bedrooms more often than not begin as a reaction to life and relationship problems. Typically stress, resentment, depression, age, illness, and time mismanagement.

People may rationalize their DB as a result of settling, especially if they feel vengeful/wronged/resentful.

People are generally very excited and hopeful when they get into relationships with each other. Settling, as men perceive/fear it, doesn't seem very common. What is common is a person becoming disillusioned by their mate, however lacking the tools to work through the cognitive dissonance. Unaddressed disillusionment quickly morphs into resentment.

2021-02-27T14:57:51+00:00

At some point the masks fall off and the games are understood.

DrPete_Venkman · 2021-02-27T19:17:00+00:00

Desperation does crazy shit

SpitefulFluffball · 2021-02-28T08:34:42+00:00

This is a really sad question. I'd like to say first, I can't answer personally, so I'm just guessing with my answer.

I think it's common to grow more attracted to someone as you fall in love with them.

We all settle a little bit, we have to. There's no perfect person. But why be with someone you're not satisfied with? Why do you think people do that? And then I ask, isn't the one that's "settling" the one with the issue? Not the other person who's unaware.

I'm thinking there had to have been something good enough about the person he/she chose to settle with.

I'll add that my partner is sexy for many reasons besides his appearance, and my attraction to him doesn't wane. Sometimes I'm just not horny enough for sex, and sometimes he's not. We don't overthink it.

LillthOfBabylon · 2021-02-27T13:22:10+00:00

Everyone settles. People who don't settle are perfect, very stupid, single, or have very low expectations.

SaBahRub · 2021-02-27T14:55:10+00:00

I’ve never dated any man for his looks; I’ve dated them for their interest, amiability, morality, not shittness, and not repulsiveness

No problems with sex as long as they weren’t lazy, porny or selfish

2021-02-27T18:17:54+00:00

I never settled but my interest in sex did wane over time. I think it’s because the excitement and tingles wore off and there wasn’t the same level of seduction as in the beginning. But I still always had the sex when he initiated because it was still enjoyable. But he’d always also want bjs which hurt my jaw and became a chore, Although that was almost separate from sex it was just doing some thing for him that he was nagging me to do. And during regular sex he would nag about anal frequently which also started giving me aversion to having sex. So It wasn’t just a single factor.

With another BF we started out kinky and wild and ended up vanilla and I got bored with it. And this guy didn’t continue to initiate as much as the other so we just ended up having sex a lot less frequently.

But I would never get into a relationship with someone I didn’t have strong sexual chemistry with, It’s not going to get better over time so might as well frontload as many tingles as possible. Hell my last LTR was the DB causer as he was under an incredible amount of stress and I guess bored of fucking me, after 5 years of the craziest sex you can imagine.

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SeemedGood · 2021-02-27T18:13:54+00:00

http://jessmaxwell.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Honeymoon-is-over_in-press.pdf

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886916308534

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12110-006-1010-2

jayda92 · 2021-02-28T17:33:41+00:00

I think everyone settles whenever they're in a relationship. If i didn't settle, I would still let guys court me/take me out. I truly loved dating. It really was something for me, to give up my single-ness! But. My fiance is the most honest, manly, sexually attractive man I've ever met. He's beautiful inside and out. Even if i were to meet other handsome men, I would choose him over and over, and over, and over. And I know how mutual he feels because he amazes and cherishes me every day. The beauty is to never feel like you settled, but to feel like you've won the lottery every day. Sometimes we fuck 3 times a day, sometimes 1 time a week. It depends.

I had a DB (for over 7 years) with my ex BF of 8 years. Settling for him was the dumbest shit I've ever done 🤦‍♀️🥴

Mimoxs · 2021-02-27T15:34:08+00:00

I've never been attracted to a partner and I've never been in a "dead bedroom" situation. The closest I came was a guy who wanted to have sex every day multiple times a day and I didn't, not because I wasn't attracted to him, but because he started to be really mean to me. Which was why I eventually dumped him.

The ugly guys who weren't mean to me, I never stopped doing whatever they wanted on a daily basis. For earlier bfs/high school that was daily blowjobs (for nothing in return), later the same with sex.

GreatRedYonder · 2021-03-01T14:31:50+00:00

I settled for a couple of ugly guys I wasn't attracted to because of low self esteem.

The tiny bit of attraction I had disappeared when they dropped the 'nice' facade and started becoming entitled/abusive.

Then I dumped them.

Flightlessbirbz · 2021-03-01T21:36:05+00:00

As a woman who has lost attraction for partners before, I can say I never felt like I was settling in the beginning. Usually it’s just something that happens naturally or as a result of getting lazy or growing apart. I will say that the attraction at the start of the relationship perhaps wasn’t what it should’ve been in retrospect, but at the time it seemed more than sufficient. That’s the effect of hormones combined with inexperience. Nature wants us to reproduce but doesn’t really care if we stay together much beyond that point. Which sucks because most people desire lifelong relationships, but actually finding the right person and making it work is hard. Men certainly don’t like to be faithful. The main difference is that men’s sex drives are such that they still want to fuck their long-term partners in addition to other women, while women lose interest in sex entirely or seek a new exclusive partner. Same effect, different manifestations based on sex drive.

Title	For women who settled for their partner - was there any sexual attraction at all, and if so, did it wane over time as a result of settling?
Author	JimBeamAndCoke2016
Upvotes	11
Comments	87
Date	February 27, 2021 2:35 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/lte8a0/for_women_who_settled_for_their_partner_was_there/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/for-women-who-settled-for-their-partner-was-there.752673 https://theredarchive.com/post/752673

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