I went through my teenage years in the 90s. I think a lot of what I thought I wanted out of relationships came from the movies and TV shows that were popular at the time. This was before streaming and you had to make do with whatever was in cinema, on cable or you could rent from a video store. The choices were quite limited.

There were gestures and behaviors from men in these TV shows and movies that I thought were attractive at the time, but of which I now realize are nearly all red flags.

Here is a list:

  • Invading personal space
  • Disregarding a no
  • Threatening suicide
  • Chasing someone who is trying to get away
  • Not letting someone grieve in peace
  • Physically maneuvering women into a certain location "for their own protection"
  • "Shielding" a woman from the truth

This is hardly a comprehensive list. Movies were very clever in painting this behavior as "desirable" or even "honorable" and "self-sacrificing" on the part of the male lead, eventhough he was always rewarded with either sex and/or a relationship.

Ofcourse, I had not even heard of feminism back then and I didn't even occur to me to question any of this. I wish I had had someone in my environment back then who did question it or who said at least something as to make me doubt.

As I grew up I quickly learned that whatever may look appealing in fiction is often far from reality. Take for example sleeping in the grass. It may seem peaceful and romantic, but the reality is that even in the summer you'll likely end up with hypothermia and bugs crawling all over you.

But I am still amazed at the effort and skills invested (or rather wasted) on trying to peddle all this abusive behavior to women and girls (and especially girls). The writers and directors must have known what they were really doing.