Hi all:

I've been lurking on this subreddit for a long time, and just so everyone knows, there are some very special men here.

My case was literally impossible. My ex had parents with deep pockets and all the will in the world to destroy not only me, but everyone that was close to me. Allegations of abuse. Many attempts at filing criminal complaints. Multiple restraining orders. Parental alienation. I was fired from my job. My reputation was destroyed. I went to jail for 25 days. I lost everything. My ex and her family even went after my family and managed to get my Mother and Stepfather fired from their jobs! When I got remarried, they tried to file a lifetime restraining order against my wife! I could write a book (and someday I probably will), but the bottom line is that I really believe the victory came from God- because it was impossible. That being said, all I did for 10 years of my life was fight, go to court, study case law, and talk to guys going through the same thing. In other words, I learned a thing or two along the way. I learned a lot and became an expert.

Here's the thing: I'm not trying to sell you anything. I don't want or need anything from you. Therefore, I have every incentive to tell you the truth. My judgment is, as far as I can tell, one of a kind. In a Mom State (Massachusetts); I won a custody modification that gave me 364 overnights per year. That's after basically not seeing my daughter for 11 straight years; because my ex very rarely showed up for parenting time. If you want, PM me and I'll send you a copy of my judgment. It's public record, anyway. The Judge even went out of her way to state that I am NOT an abuser. That was 4 years ago and as of today, my daughter and I have a fantastic relationship. If you have questions about my case, ask on this thread and I'll answer. The rest of this post will focus on some general things that I've learned about the system in question and answer format.

Is the system really as biased as they say against men?

The answer is yes, and the answer is no. Let me try to explain; but before I do, understand that in divorce, the answer is almost always "it depends". Consider: the elephant in the room is that when a couple splits, one party will have to leave the house and one party will have to stay. What no one tells you, but what will become apparent in time, is that the party that keeps the house has the de facto authority. For lack of a better term, 'society' meaning schools, clergy, police, neighbors et al WILL consider the party that remains in the house as the primary parent no matter what the court order says. This is where the bias comes in. I have yet to hear of a case where Mom was ordered out of the house in a temp hearing absent a very serious criminal allegation (and by allegation, I mean an arrest, a warrant, CPS report, etc). This is significant, because it creates tremendous negotiating leverage for Mom. Every divorce attorney in the country knows this.

So here is how it really works in real life: courts are extremely biased until Dad leaves or is ordered out, then they tend to be fair. But by that time Mom already has the status quo and all the leverage, and it's very difficult to overcome that. Of course there are rogue Judges and rogue clerks, police, etc... ymmv

Do all women go for the jugular and make false allegations in divorce?

Absolutely not, but most of them do. I'd estimate it's anywhere from 80-90%. But out of those 80-90%, probably half do it out of what I call the runaway train phenomenon. This is when their friends, family, co workers and eventually divorce lawyer convince them to pick up that phone and start making false allegations to get what they want in divorce. Once they get on that runaway train, it's extremely difficult to get off. Bottom line: divorce ruins good women.

What is it that the courts, Judges, actually want? Are they just after money and trying to screw the man?

No no no no no no no no no no no. That's not how the system works at all. The courts want to move the case through the system as fast as possible and coerce or pressure the parties to settle the case. They want your case off their docket, because they don't want to deal with the after effects of a contested judgment; which often means appeals, complaints, motions for reconsideration, and in general, taking of their time. They don't want this! The whole system operates on a low hanging fruit principle. If they see an easy mark, someone they can lean on, they will be ruthless in exploiting it. Therefore, as a man and possibly as a Dad, it's your job to never be that low hanging fruit. Half the battle (and I really mean this so please listen carefully!) is to show everyone that you are not rolling over and folding, no matter what. It's counter intuitive as most of the garbage advice you will get is to be overly nice, don't make waves, don't say anything bad about your ex. The reason this advice is so common is that it makes it so much easier to get you to hand your case over without a fight. Don't do it!

What are the most common mistakes that men make in divorce?

The biggest one is the simplest one: giving their case away. I've been criticized on other forums for giving simple advice. Don't give your case away! Duh- right? Yet day after day, month after month, year after year, cases are being given away by men left and right. Anywhere from 90-95% never see trial. And the vast majority of cases that are settled are terrible judgments for men. DO NOT GIVE YOUR CASE AWAY. EVEN IF YOU HAVE A LOSING CASE YOU ARE BETTER OFF GOING TO TRIAL AND MAKING THEM RULE AGAINST YOU.

Here is the no BS secret to beating the most evil ex in the whole world: if you just keep fighting, keep pushing, keep coming at someone, eventually they will either capitulate or they will crash out.

The second most common mistake is to give things of value away and get nothing in return. Again, very simple. Yet happening everyday. You will be told that "the court will look favorably upon you" or "the Judge likes to see..." Dirty little secret= 95% of cases never see trial, it probably doesn't matter what the Judge likes or doesn't like.

The 3rd biggest mistake is to blindly follow the advice of your attorney. Remember! Your attorney wants what the system wants- to move the case through the system. You think your attorney wants to deal with you if your case goes to trial and you lose? No way! What if you file a BAR complaint against them for their inevitable mistake? BTW, every attorney makes mistakes, these are people not gods. What if you contact their professional organizations? It's much easier to just take your money and get you to sign off on a settlement, then if you complain after- hey, you agreed to it!~

Ok, this post is long enough. Thank you for reading. I may add to it over time.