Blindsided by divorce and heartbroken

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-06-17T00:40:06+00:00

Ok here’s really simple advice-

If you want any chance at anything, you do three things.

Grey rock and limit any contact and communication to only about the kids. Don’t beg for her to come back. Text. Avoid talking.
Be a great dad.
Move forward. Be different. Work out, dress great, look like a guy women want.

Here’s what’s great about these things. It’s your only shot at getting back together and it helps you move past her if you divorce. You do the opposite, you’ll be divorced for sure and stuck in misery and depression.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-06-17T00:57:05+00:00

Sorry you are going through this. It sucks, no doubt. Unfortunately, women initiate 80%-90% of divorces. They mourn the death of the marriage months or even years before you find out. They are done with the marriage. Then, the guy goes in panic mode by begging, pleading, suggesting marriage counseling, making 'changes', and being a doormat. Get all that b.s out of your system and stop doing these things today.

Try and get proper sleep, eat right, get in the gym, lau off alcohol, meet with old friends, take care of those kids, and start planning the divorce out. Keep your emotions to you while around her. Don't be shocked if she has a male 'friend', most women have a place to land before leaving their marriage (monkey-branching). It's hard but stay on track with your career (or career change). It will be hard to focus, but make yourself get things done. I know it sounds impossible, but it gets better. You can't fall apart. The kids need you. You need you. Good luck bro.

Zealousideal-Bear-37 · 2023-06-17T00:46:50+00:00

Oh buddy . You’re just beginning the journey of the mans soul . You’re entering the cave , you’re spiralling, but I’m here to tell you , man to man , you will go through catabasis . You will emerge from this a million times more self confident and happy , and fullfilled, but it’s gonna be fucking hard work . Many people will say oh let go of the feelings for the ex , and right now that’s hard to do . You need to fill your days improving your station in every way. Get to the gym , get jacked , take up hobbies , find out what you love , work hard at work , hang with friends and make new ones through hobbies . Go to therapy and unpack all the emotional trauma that comes with divorce . Live your life and you will slowly let go . Once you get your “mojo” back , women will sense it and will come crawling out of the woodwork . Have to a of fun with them , but don’t stray from your path of self development . I was where you are 8 months ago . I’m now slim, built with muscle , new tats , Ducati in the garage , good job , and a great girlfriend who actually fucking likes spending time with me and doing shit I wanna do. Not only that , but other women can sense my confidence and I find they are more drawn to me now . It didn’t happen overnight . I was miserable in the beginning , but fuck I crawled out of shawshank man , and you will too.

georeddit2018 · 2023-06-17T01:42:19+00:00

It's difficult and its unexpected. Do not plead or beg. Give the divorce she wants. And find a therapist or close friend to confide in.

savage_cabbages · 2023-06-17T03:01:13+00:00

The first part is the worst phase mentally. You'll feel sick, anxious, experience nausea it down right sucks. What you need to do focus on is you and your kids and limit any blow ups with your ex, cause that's what she is now. Its going to take time to process the emotions, it's a marathon not a sprint. One day at at a time, do 3 three things that help your well-being. A walk, a workout, hangout with a buddy, family. Eat well, don't drink. Get back to nature. Process the past but don't live there, be in the moment. You can, and will get through this, there is light on the other side and once you get there you will rediscover yourself.

mrk177 · 2023-06-17T03:49:58+00:00

I was in your exact situation two years ago. Although she didn’t talk to me for two weeks before she asked for a divorce. I knew it was coming. I felt it.

I was able to let go because I felt I had done everything I could to be better and make it work. We triggered each other in ways that just couldn’t be unwound. We both tried.

Peel off the ban-aid. She’s lawyered up so you need to change your mind set from hurt to protection.

My ex at least wanted to settle things between us rather then the legal system so it made the process easier. Emotions were the hardest thing to get through.

RxCKSTxR · 2023-06-17T16:03:49+00:00

Literally going through a similar situation, I felt a fucked up stigma from the parents at my kid’s school and it seemed like every weekend she created a new drama. I started grey rocking her, and it helped. Unfortunately I replay the conversations in my head later and be emotional about it. I started doing yoga, I reached out to friends. One of which was going through something similar as me, she became a support system for me. I started going to therapy regularly, and working out. Generally every day I got better and I realized the further I got away from her, the better my life started to get. The first 3 months were hell. I started dating, some say not too but I lacked physical affection for sometime and I started dating an old college friend/girlfriend and my life’s been a lot better. I mostly have only good days, when I have to interact with her I get anxious/ sad/mad but we mostly only communicate via text now . We only speak about the kids. It helped realizing the women i divorced isn’t the woman i married. I cut out caffeine and alcohol. But every once and awhile I still get sad that my family was destroyed and my former best friend has just turned into a painful memory. However, my new companion is amazing and I got lucky there. I have been working on being a great dad, and being more present. Kids don’t deserve this crap, and I seem to have them most of the time. For a bit I wasn’t as present as I should be, and felt just sadness and regret when I saw them. I powered through it, they need my love and support. Be kind to yourself. I am my own worst enemy/critic.all marriages end, just some are from death others are divorce.

vancityoriginals · 2023-06-17T17:43:23+00:00

Brother. Here for you. Been there. Almost 3 years into it now.

dnbndnb · 2023-06-17T09:39:18+00:00

1) lawyer up. Now. You have no idea of what shit she can pull on you. Give away nothing, offer nothing, and understand from here forward you really are nothing but a piggy bank or annuity stream.

2) be a bit realistic and ask yourself what she did to improve the relationship, if anything. Sure some relationships are unilaterally bad from one side, but it usually “takes two to tango”.

3) understand that everything you do going forward is for you and your kids. She no longer exists. She is NOT your friend, she is the mother of your kids and an adversary.

4) talk to the lawyer about moving back in so there can be no claim of abandonment on her part.

5) get s VAR & use it always around her. Keep a written & contemporaneous diary of all your interactions with her AND your kids. This may all come in handy in fighting for custody.

6) get the cell phone records and look for anything odd. In your state infidelity may or may not come into play, but no reason not to find out if something wasn’t going on.

7) start working up a budget for both you and her. Your lawyer will want to know the finances and most surely hers will. Do not “share” and information with anyone (financial, emotional) with anyone who is not solely your friend. Assume most joint friends will go her way simply because women tend to build the couple’s friendships. Your joint couple friends will become hers.

8) grey rock was mentioned and go 💯 there. No begging, no pleading, no trying to demonstrate you’ve changed. She will not unless she decides. The chance of that happening is near zero. Don’t be mean, but you don’t have to be nice. This is now the dissolution of a business partnership where the court will invariably rule your value is less.

9) do immerse yourself in your kids! She may be too selfish to understand putting herself first and destroying the marriage will hurt them, but you’re going to do your best to save them.

upfnothing · 2023-06-17T13:55:02+00:00

There was infidelity. Women that cheat pull away and have undefined anger issues part of their discard strategy. You being the one to put in all this energy on therapy work is a red flag.

Ncfc48 · 2023-06-17T04:21:57+00:00

I have nothing to add to the above superb advice just follow it simple as that mate good luck

Title	Blindsided by divorce and heartbroken
Author	Stitching
Upvotes	14
Comments	26
Date	June 17, 2023 12:07 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14bc38c/blindsided_by_divorce_and_heartbroken/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/blindsided-by-divorce-and-heartbroken.1222435 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222435

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