Boundaries vs Open House

Bioshock_Jock · 2021-07-15T20:22:00+00:00

Church and school do seem odd and you can attend both. She is well within her rights on the meals and house. But get this, she's trying to hurt you by being friendly and pushing those boundaries. Don't linger next time and keep it strictly business.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-07-15T21:43:58+00:00

> I cannot enter her house.

That's normal. It's weird you want to enter her house.

> If I need to go to the bathroom, I have to drive to a nearby store.

Are you 5? C'mon dude, that straw man is weak.

> We talk on the phone every day about our daughters, video games, movies, etc. We normally linger and get ice cream or candy when we meet to trade custody for visits.

People don't divorce to remain best friends.

> She immediately shot that down.

This is where she's wrong. She cannot keep you from a school open house. The only thing keeping you from attending is your own attitude towards your ex, because you're still soliciting her permission. You have every right to be at the school.

crxblcl · 2021-07-15T20:40:59+00:00

A thought popped into my head that she is purposely keeping you out of any situations where she could be seen with a new partner. School, home, and church. Her boundaries may all be intertwined in the sense she is keeping you detached from her personal life, which doesn't sound all that unrealistic.

Obviously this is just a working theory from a couple paragraph synopsis.

lemmingsrevenge · 2021-07-15T20:25:20+00:00

Why is she the sole parent?

But on a broader legal angle. She has no control what you do. She cannot bar you from church, and she isn't the person who can decide if you attend the school open house or not. If she doesn't like it she can leave.

How you handle anything related to the kids. Inform her via email that you will be in attendance as far in advance as possible. "hey ex, the kids have a open house for school on Tuesday the 15th. Just a heads up I do plan on attending." Don't ask her if it's ok, inform her you will be there. She has a choice to attend or not.

She can however stop you from entering her house as long as you're not on the lease, title, or mortgage. But I would advise you not to enter her house under any non emergency circumstances. I would also advise you not to be alone with her.

But be mindful of the potential that she might try and file a harassments or stalking restraining order.

You're separated brother, don't try and force interaction with her. Courts are swift with handing down restraining orders and that will make custody more difficult and more expensive.

ThrowAwayRAOoops · 2021-07-15T21:18:14+00:00

She can't stop you from going to their school or to church but she is well within her rights to deny you entry into her home.

Did you cheat on her or her on you? I know when my wife left because of her cheating I absolutely wanted to set boundaries where I wasn't going to enter her place unless i had to. I've never used her bathroom, nor do I want to.

She still comes into the (my) house at this point since we're still working the divorce but I prefer she doesn't come in. I'm not sure how firm a boundary I will set on this once the divorce is final. Should I put a sign up saying 'she's not allowed' or a banner in the yard or along the fence line? (I'm kidding)

pegleg_legal · 2021-07-16T03:57:43+00:00

The only thing I see that is out of line if she has sole custody is access to the school. I mean you can't expect to do anything "with" her but you should have access to the school all information related to your kids. Check your judgment.

Otherwise, it seems like she's just maintaining boundaries which you should not try to break down or question - way better than her trampling all over the boundaries you try to set. Overall, it seems like a healthy post-divorce situation. Do you want to get back with her or something?

anonymous-bog-trotte · 2021-07-16T09:18:53+00:00

Piss your pants like a god damn man. You don’t need to be moping your ass into your ex wife’s house for any reason. Stop lingering around. Drop off the kids and get your ass in your car and drive away. Stop calling her to talk about movies and video games - find some new hobbies that involve physical activity and other people. Stop giving a shit about her dumb ass cat. Sorry dude, others may want to coddle you, but given what you described, your ex wife completely dominates you, which is limiting you from reaching your full potential and allowing your ex to manipulate you.

ThrowAwayRAOoops · 2021-07-16T17:51:38+00:00

Look at his post history - there is a lot he's leaving out here. He needs help though, he's dealing with a highly religious wife who won't accept his sexuality and that situation will probably alienate his children from him if he comes out as bi-sexual.

Mom is probably a bit on the religious side and doesn't understand or accept that he's bi-sexual. She is entitled to her perspective whether we agree with it or not (I don't). He may not have even known he was bi-sexual when they married - who knows.

So the random blow-job was probably from a dude because maybe he's struggling with his own sexuality. He came clean to her and maybe even told her it was a dude blowing him and she probably FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. Understandable from her perspective as she's being blind sided with his infidelity AND that he might be bi-sexual though in her religious mind homosexual.

OP however is still not taking any responsibility and deflecting, blaming it on mental illness and being 'hardwired' to do self destructive things is just an excuse - he knows he needs help and hasn't mentioned if he is getting any or not. If he isn't, he knows it and he isn't - again - that's on him. That is the rub - he needed help and didn't get it, he needed to talk to his wife and he didn't do that. Instead he did whatever he needed to do to find a guy to give him a blowjob. He's super conflicted and he is too fearful of going against if family's religious doctrine to do right things but that doesn't make what he did okay at all. It's obviously complicated but it's complicated and I am sympathetic. He's probably been struggling with this a long time and it's made this situation super terrible.

OP, where ever you live/work probably has talk therapy resources - perhaps you should consider talking to someone and being open and honest about what's going on. A therapist can be a very safe place to do that.

theragingbull- · 2021-07-16T12:21:57+00:00

it sounds like she's moved on mentally.

the boundaries she set for herself which is why she won't let you in. That's where her old life ends and her new life begins.

You can either enjoy this time with your children and ignore her behavior but this sounds like something that will either continue until you react OR you can choose not to react and move on with your life make plans with your children and start planning for a new reality.

She has, she's not sharing it with you she's leaving you to fall on your face or worse wants you to fall apart where she wins this inner battle she's struggling with.

I can be wrong but women seem to be taking their cue from some movement that is so short sited and does not take FAMILY structure into consideration.

You sound like you are doing everything you can. You sound grounded but seem to be struggling with accepting reality in part bc she's playing along with it.

Boundaries are perfectly acceptable. I understand you'd prefer to live without them as would I however our significant others feel differently.

Keep showing up for your children. Attend church she is in the wrong and any intelligent person will see this for what it is.

She wants to let the community as well as you know that the two of you are no longer involved.

I'm experiencing something similar i've been struggling with it as well. I've tried communicating but communication is two ways.

Good luck my friend. Boundaries... unfortunately.

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2021-07-16T19:54:24+00:00

She’s playing with your mind. Set your goals and your boundaries. Leave the past behind.

One-Wait-8383 · 2021-07-25T21:53:53+00:00

You really need to detach from your ex wife. Why do you need to talk to her on a daily basis? Did you get permission to date other people from your ex wife!!!

Title	Boundaries vs Open House
Author	Financial_Advisor500
Upvotes	9
Comments	48
Date	July 15, 2021 8:08 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ol0teu/boundaries_vs_open_house/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/boundaries-vs-open-house.816486 https://theredarchive.com/post/816486

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