CONTROLLING THE HATE

Gunslinger1925 · 2024-04-16T16:30:28+00:00

For me it was anger. Rage. Guilt. Sorrow. My therapist and working on myself made me realize that it's OK to acknowledge the emotions that i previously tried to suppress and not push it on me. E.g. blame myself for it.

My STBX is a borderline narc. Though she's accused me of that several times throughout our 20 year marriage and months following me asking for the divorce

At the start, I didn't hate her. Still don't. I accepted we moved apart. I was pissed that she had an affair and didn't have the guts to break off the marriage first. I wanted to go scorched earth on her in the divorce. But I have to look at our kids everyday.

While it'd make for a great reddit story on YouTube, I can't consciously do that to my kids' mother. Our marriage is over, and the consequences of her actions - eldest being angry at her and hating her mistress, likely the youngest when she finds out, is her cross to bear.

So to end, acknowledge it's there and allow yourself to feel it. But don't let it control or change who you are. Life's too short to live in hate with her in your head.

One4All992 · 2024-04-16T16:08:03+00:00

You don't control hate. You let that shit go. Whenever I started feeling hate towards my ex I would sit in that feeling and just go deeper with it asking myself questions what is it that I really hate? Do I hate her? Yes! Do I hate the situation? Yes! Why am I feeling this way? Because I don't have control over any of it. Once I got to the core of it, it was realizing I hated the situation and sure I hated her for it too. However, I realized no matter what I don't have control over any of it. I can only control myself. Still hated the situation, still hated her for it, but realized it's going to be okay and just let it go no point in holding on and holding that hate. I still hated how everything unfolded, but that's how I felt during that time. It's not how I feel anymore. I'm grateful for it.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2024-04-15T18:45:08+00:00

Here's my take, and what has helped me. Love and Hate are not opposites. They're both the opposite of indifference. Like someone else here said, Love & Hate are opposite sides of the same coin. The coin is an intense connection to someone or something. If we're experiencing this connection in a positive way, we call it love. If we're experiencing it in a negative way, we call it hate. I realized I hated my soon-to-be ex because I still loved her. That reframed the hate to me somehow, maybe it just took the "fun" out of hating her, but it became a lot harder for me to sustain hatred for her for very long.

Something my therapist said to me the other day - emotions are thoughts pointing to things that are important to us. Of course you hate your ex. They are really important to you, and things with them are not the way you want them to be. Hate makes sense, it doesn't make you a bad person for feeling it (I struggled a lot with that idea). It also doesn't make you ruminate on it, or act on it. You get to choose to be the person you want to be in response to it. Focusing on that choice, and understanding that who you are is often way different from how you feel has been a key concept for me.

Ecstatic-Shopping313 · 2024-04-15T16:17:50+00:00

Hate and anger are valid emotions. Their purpose is to inspire change and build protective barriers in you. You shouldn't try to control them, but also don't let them control you either. It is hard at first, but it does fade. Let the anger strengthen your resolve, then breathe it out. You aren't better than those you hate (and therefor your anger is not righteous) if you allow anger to control your actions.

DarkEnergy67 · 2024-04-15T10:03:28+00:00

You do not control hate. If you try to control hate you end up holding it tighter.

The answer is to let it go, release it. This can be hard to do, but is possible through philosophy or counselling if you prefer.

Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. The coin was your marriage, which no longer exists, so both love and hate need to go away.

While you were married, your emotions served a purpose, but now you are divorced your emotions serve no purpose, so remove them.

nomdeprune · 2024-04-15T01:47:38+00:00

I ran thousands of kilometres. Leaving the emotions out on the trail made it possible for me to function normally for the rest of the time.

Mister_Vandemar · 2024-04-14T20:50:30+00:00

While this won’t be helpful for many, I remind myself that she’s my daughter’s mother. It’s easier for me to focus on forgiving my daughter’s mother.

Basic_Advance7627 · 2024-04-14T19:59:15+00:00

After discovering her multiple affairs over our 27 year marriage and her eventual departure for the latest AP and destruction of our family, I struggle mightily with anger and hate. Therapy has really helped me see her for who she is. The anger and hate will kill you. I just accept she’s cheating garbage I used to know. I still have to see her on occasion but I’ll never speak to her again.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-04-14T19:19:41+00:00

After handling everything really well, the anger, hate and sadness hit me last week. Cardio and writing down all the ways I was fucked helped. Then really accepting each one and just take the pain. Once you’re broken down you can start building your self up again using gratitude.

Neilkd21 · 2024-04-14T19:16:39+00:00

Yeah hate is a destructive thing. My wife decided after 12 years it's over, I was angry, upset full range of emotions but not hate. I never seen the point, we had largely good times, it didn't work in the end. The process of separating was devastating and difficult but we did it amicably, we didn't stay friends or anything but hate would have just made it more difficult and unpleasant. I focused on the good times, good memories.

Obviously every divorce is different, in ours there was no abuse, cheating or anything just fell out of love.

Holding hate in any situation towards someone or yourself I think is personally one of the most destructive things.

TheDefiant_One · 2024-04-14T17:54:20+00:00

My STBXW was a giant ball of hate for all the 15 years we were together, it leeched into my soul during all of that. I was absued and neglected as a kid, and was done the same in my marriage. The word Narcissist gets thrown around a lot nowadays, but through almost obsessive research, therapy, and talking to an acquaintance who is a psychologist, she more than likely is what's called a covert Narcissist.

Hate and Anger are powerful emotions, hell I struggle with it everyday, even today I got angry thinking of how much she hurt me. Reading the comments reminded me how much of a waste it is, and realign with what's truly in my heart, which is compassion and hope for improvement.

It's easier said than done, not being resentful and angry, but keep struggling, and hold faith that one day you will be happy.

SuperConfused40 · 2024-04-14T17:51:14+00:00

Journaling- just writing free flow of thoughts helps me process what I want and why I feel the way I do, and if they are valid/reasonable. Good luck.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-14T17:12:03+00:00

You control it by letting it go. You cannot control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. That's a core tenant of Stoicism. It's normal to get angry, be frustrated or have a rollercoaster of emotions when you're initially sideswiped by divorce or an affair. But if you continue to hold onto those emotions, it's a choice. Mindful meditation is a great tool to help you control your reactions.

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-04-14T16:43:25+00:00

Brother, it’s all about the processing of primal instincts. Something threatens you. Doesn’t matter what it is. Your body sets off an alarm. Adrenaline starts flowing. Your engine is revving at 10,000 rpms. Somethings got to happen. You either run or attack. As men, we typically attack. That’s the anger. You burn the energy. The cycle repeats- threaten, adrenaline, attack, anger. The cycle is exhausting. Hatred is the desire for the threat, and the cycle, to go away. It’s literally wishing they were dead or gone.

So how do you control the hate? Goes back to what appears is the mantra of this sub. 180, grey rock, work on self-improvement.

kublakhan1816 · 2024-04-14T16:14:34+00:00

I don’t really have hate. I have anger. I’ve consciously tried not to transfer it to others so they can be my outlet. Whether it’s a family member, co worker or a random guy in traffic. I’m doing all the healthy things like exercise, go to therapy and do the homework and spending time with men. I’ve tried talking to another woman and I just realized I’m not ready. I don’t really have an answer for you besides just acknowledging your valid emotions and try not to be a worse person in the world and to yourself.

BlackFire68 · 2024-04-14T15:57:42+00:00

The pivot that you have to make is that you now have a chance to initiate and control your own emotions. Your negative trigger - the primary one - is gone. By harboring hate, you are allowing her to live in your head. The past is what it is, you’re both going to remember it differently. Let it be your past. Live “forward”, not backward.

Title	CONTROLLING THE HATE
Author	DivorceRecoveryMen
Upvotes	11
Comments	26
Date	April 14, 2024 3:41 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c3wh6n/controlling_the_hate/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/controlling-the-hate.1515080 https://theredarchive.com/post/1515080

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