Feeling guilty spending money on yourself

adym_keeng · 2023-03-22T10:32:52+00:00

It's hard spending money on yourself when you previously defined yourself as a "provider" but for me that's what woke me up to the reality that I was in a shitty point in my life and marriage. Started breaking bad habits, I'm gonna steal a quote "marriage was my last bad habit" so here I am a 44 year old man divorcing a wife of 24 years. But I'm a lot better at it than I was because I truly know how I felt "providing" versus just fuckin living life. So hope that helps man, don't wanna wake up one day like I did, have fun with the cycle and hot tub brother!!

WartimeDad · 2023-03-22T12:59:01+00:00

I was so institutionalized coming out of my toxic marriage. It took me awhile to get used to buying things I liked. Even simple things like a shirt came with this feeling of guilt. Took me awhile, but now I love shopping for myself and getting things that I enjoy.

Not every purchase needs to be an investment. Think of it like investing in your own health and well being. It’s self care. I’m considering a recliner right now. Money is fucking worthless compared to comfort, self love, and fulfilling your own desires. Embrace your freedom.

I do think dating is worth the expense, however. As long as I have fun I don’t really mind if the date doesn’t go well. I just go into it with the intention to enjoy my time. I don’t go on dates unless she’s worth my time and I think it will be fun. It’s super fun. Especially when you meet a good one and you’re vibing. It also doesn’t have to be expensive. Everyone is different though so no worries.

AirSailer · 2023-03-22T12:51:16+00:00

I'm in that boat as well, both from a lifetime of being told I should be the provider AND my ex wife's insistence that money be spent on her. For example, a few years before our divorce she pulled the ole "let's get me a diamond ring to signify our continued commitment to each other" trick; to which I replied "instead of a ring can we get a motorcycle?" Of course we got the ring, but that didn't mean shit, she really just wanted a ring.

So now I scrutinize every purchase even though I do OK financially (would be doing better if I wasn't paying mommy-support). But I justify my pricy purchases by telling myself I'm buying quality, not quantity (I'm a closet semi-minimalist).

Jbr74 · 2023-03-22T14:15:49+00:00

Nope, I buy what I want when I want.

It's terrific.

Alatornio · 2023-03-22T12:38:19+00:00

As long as you can afford it.

Sounds like you have some trauma from being belittled previously.

Gattsama · 2023-03-22T13:57:23+00:00

Hey man, it's OK and normal. I make really good money, and I worked extra shifts on top of that. We took first-class trips around the world, had several pets (whom I also loved), a big house in the suburbs, she got first class services, maid service every other week, etc etc.

But when I wanted a new tablet it was 'didn't you just get one, how about next month, can you wait until Xmas' etc.

I slowly evolved into that walking on eggshells situation where I was self censored and just tried to avoid all negative interactions. So if I saw the potential for something negative, I would get this "shit, here we go again" feeling BEFORE the actual interaction. Ie it became learned behavior.

But we can learn new behaviors. No kids, but I owe a shit town in spousal support ($7500/mo). We sold the house, and I got nearly enough to pay her off. I was going to do that, but something kept stopping me. Ultimately, I paid off all my other debts (they had interest), made a few purchases, and got a motorcycle ( I had a bike previously but sold in 2007).

I am also a private pilot, I rent. Have flown off and on due to work / school. I am literally in the middle of maybe buying a plane right now with the money from the home sale. This makes no sense economically, and the economy is going south.

Then I realized I don't care, and it doesn't matter. Money is meant to be spent. I don't mean spend everything and be broke, save and invest too. But ask yourself, why save? Because you want/need money later (not working or buying more expensive items).

Here's my life for the next 2-3 years: work, pay off eX, get plane. After that, invest to set up passive income streams. I reach the same end point no matter what, but paying the eX off first means I took care of HER first. Getting the plane first means I take care of ME first.

And think that's what kept stopping me from paying the eX off. We only live once and you can't take it with you. It's only money, I can always make more money. But I can't recapture time. Paying her off first is not having my own plane for 2-3 years. And this isn't a hobby you can do for life.

Again, don't be foolish, but invest in yourself first, in all things going forward. Maybe sometimes that means putting extra into the 401k/403b, and maybe sometimes it means going to an expensive steak dinner. The ONLY person that your money is for is YOU! And that's a really crazy mindset for me to step into, but getting there.

I love my job and will work even if I win the lottery. But 100% of my money exists for the sole purpose of taking care of me! And I need to think about my future and plan for it, but that's still only for me. For the record, I'm going to expat for retirement most likely (no kids, better elder care, lower cost of living, and lifestyle).

Like you said, we have been trained not to think about caring for ourselves, resulting in the self censorship you know feel. I would suggest you step way back, think about what you would consider your ideally life, and then start making plans to do that. Think of money as just another tool you use to make life work. You don't work for money, you work to live your best life, and money is a tool you need for that.

Sounds like you are on the right path 👍

CaliDude75 · 2023-03-22T14:18:10+00:00

Don't feel guilty at all! I've made a few smaller purchases, but honestly can't afford bigger-ticket items because I'm still making alimony payments. Once I get that behind me, I'm probably going to get a new laptop and e-Bike.

DocHolliday80 · 2023-03-22T14:37:26+00:00

Don’t feel guilty for that, you only live once. I almost died from COVID pneumonia 2 years ago. This and my recent divorce make me think that I only have the present to live and enjoy, you never know what will happen tomorrow. Once basic needs and debt are covered, use the as much of your money as you want to make your life better.

Since my divorce I have bought a lot of things for me (fancy clothes, several guns, hunting and shooting equipment, tech, appliances…). I am planning to buy a convertible two seater car when budget allows, more guns,…

I am the only person who manages my money, I don’t steal itC I work very hard for many hours to earn it and I have the right to enjoy it.

TransitUX · 2023-03-22T14:43:34+00:00

Do you! Enjoy

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-03-22T14:55:02+00:00

This goes back to your family of origin and was exacerbated by your wife.

I suggest counseling on your family of origin issues—we all have them.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2023-03-22T13:11:11+00:00

You only get one life my man. I busted my butt with the ex paying off a home, making a sweet nest egg and trying to get us to our long term goals and I put off the things I wanted specifically for us as a family. Well, the misses decides "she's just not happy" and 8 months later, I'm now divorced from her and she is just waiting to go public with Old Man Balls AP...who by the way makes about 1/3 less than me and will be likely heading toward marriage #3 with my ex. So, there goes 50% of that.

What this means - Anything can change at any minute, so I take the attitude now of if I want it, can afford it and it will add value to my life, I will get it. Now, I don't spend frivolously and a lot of the stuff I have spent on is for the betterment of my life and health (example: workout equipment for home gym). I'd say make sure your financial house is in order 1st but one that is done, live it up!

No_Analyst_9131 · 2023-03-22T15:21:33+00:00

I have been having the same feelings, but realize part of it is due to my upbringing. I make 6 figures a year and was called out by a friend for being too "stingy." I brought it up with my therapist and it ended up leading to the personal discovery that my upbringing in a lower income family led to me viewing money as something to be hoarded.

Granted, I am not a massive spender anyways, but getting over the guilty feeling for buying myself something nice is something I have learned to do. As long as bills are paid, and you have saved money towards retirement, what you do with your "fun money" is up to you. I like scuba diving, and tinkering with computers, so I spend money towards those things and (now) don't feel guilty about it.

WildestWaltz · 2023-03-22T15:37:13+00:00

Holy crap! I thought I was the only one who feels guilt when buying things for myself. I was always happy to buy things for my STBX and kid.

Weary_Landscape_7098 · 2023-03-22T17:06:40+00:00

Don't ever feel guilty spending money on yourself.

Your ex-wife didn't feel guilty spending money on herself. Both her money, and your money.

Time to enjoy life.

cstick · 2023-03-22T17:31:30+00:00

Only one motorcycle? You can have many more!

Seriously though, no way do I reflect on what she would think about my spending behavior. I figure I will die working too but I do contribute to 401k, Roth, have a home, etc (the prototypical middle-income American way). Don't blow it all on hookers and cocaine you know.

ranger69danger · 2023-03-22T20:07:43+00:00

Similar position here, just a couple motos into the selfcare splurging. The way I look at it the first bike helped me to drive the wedge that certified the need for divorce. The second one eased the tail end sting (she still won’t sell the damn house).

xjeeperx · 2023-03-22T23:01:06+00:00

I’m still trying to get back on my feet. Will be interesting how I feel about making purchases once I get to that point. The majority of my clothes I’ve had for years, I make it a point to fix things instead of buying something else.

Guess my biggest splurge was financing a car, spent my entire 10 year marriage working on mine and hers and then her oldest kids vehicle once a month or so cause they were all $1500 cars that were falling apart.

Zealousideal-Bear-37 · 2023-03-24T21:03:53+00:00

They’re good investments for your soul .

LeTronique · 2023-03-24T23:06:08+00:00

It's called trauma.
It's the reason why I get massive anxiety on weekends. Because she would get so mad that I didn't plan fun activities and opt to destress by sleeping in and gaming. I still feel guilty for relaxing to this day.

Title	Feeling guilty spending money on yourself
Author	jgjg9999
Upvotes	16
Comments	31
Date	March 22, 2023 9:23 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11yd87h/feeling_guilty_spending_money_on_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/feeling-guilty-spending-money-on-yourself.1186735 https://theredarchive.com/post/1186735

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