Going no contact …so hard

EmuFantastic808 · 2023-06-30T21:42:58+00:00

9 months in to divorce, and two lessons I've learned:

Being nice doesn't mean shit. She won't go easier on you, she won't be more amicable, she won't take a lower settlement, she won't say nice things about you to the kids.
Grey rock that shit if you're coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship. For 6 months I kept responding to her texts, helping with the credit cards, and engaging with her weird night texts about what a piece of shit I am. I realized she is literally kryptonite to me - I can't even keep my head on straight when we're talking. I had to grey rock her, or I was going to lose my mind.

I know you want to preserve some connection, but she'll only respect you and re-orient the relationship if you find yourself first, and get out of her tractor beam. Grey rock that shit.

Throwaway_858493 · 2023-06-30T20:23:57+00:00

I back the grey rock method. It’s driving my ex crazy I think. For Mother’s Day I got her a card from the kids. That’s it. She thanked me via text for the card thinking it was from me. I didn’t say shit. Just left it on read.

Father’s Day rolls around. She’s standing there with the kids and some paper they drew on and a mug. Says “best Dad in the universe.” She stood there all smug, I grab the little one who was holding it. She stood there all proud of herself waiting for a thank you. I turn to the kids and ask if they’re ready to go. They’re pumped and shout yeah. The look on her face was great. We turned around and walked off. I thanked them for the gifts in the truck.

Long story short, I don’t care about the gifts. From her or not. It’s about the time with my kids. She could get me nothing, the next year I’d still make sure the kids got her something, even if it’s on my dime. It’s about them learning to do something nice for others. My STBX actually thinks it’s all about the gifts.

Don’t get caught up on trivial stuff like this man. Just be a good Dad. That’s what matters most.

Reflog1791 · 2023-06-30T18:40:13+00:00

Grey rock method for now. You get nothing by being a nice guy. A few years down the line when you’re good and over her, you may be able to share pictures and do cards and shit.

Grey rock means do not respond to that text about the alarm lol if you needed help you think she would be there. Naw man act like a grey rock just keep a poker face and ignore anything that isn’t about pick ups, drop offs, and extra curriculars.

Once you master this you’ll chuckle about all the cute kid pics she’ll send and the happy birthday texts she’ll send you.

TheBoyBand · 2023-06-30T20:18:07+00:00

You are so fresh out of it and I get it, I felt same when I started no-contact. Now I don’t even think about her and divorce isn’t even done yet… so here’s to your healing and your come up and your eventual mannn fuck her!

It will come 🍻

cousinmarygross · 2023-06-30T18:54:31+00:00

...contemplating if maybe I was too hard about the Father’s Day thing…

In my opinion, yes. But I've been divorced for 5 years. You're fresh out of the grinder.

potatotornado44 · 2023-06-30T21:30:58+00:00

Stop helping her in any way, shape or form.

It is hard to move on, but it is possible.

The biological mother of my children means absolutely nothing to me, nothing, she is a non-entity.

You can’t imagine the feeling of relief when you reach this point. Sure, she still calls asking for help with this or that and I tell her that my hourly rate is $57 per hour.

Pay me, or pay somebody else.

Sometimes you have to remind little kids to say happy Father’s Day, it’s no big deal. Maybe they don’t make a card, no big deal. The point is is that you had time with them.

You wouldn’t believe all the absolute horrible examples of females who don’t even allow their kids to see their dad on Father’s Day. Whatever your situation is, it could always be worse.

fredatbu · 2023-06-30T22:46:36+00:00

In my experience, fathers always get shafted on Father’s Day. Mother’s Day is in May. Elementary school kids are still in school and they always make stuff for mom. By Father’s Day the kids are out of school and we get zilch. One time teacher tried to be equitable and had the kids make a coaster for Father’s Day, my kid just assumed it was for mom and gave it to her. Sheesh!

This was the first Mother’s Day since we agreed to divorce. I bought her flowers and a card for the kids to sign as a sign that I still respected her relationship to them as their mom. I got paid back by her telling me in front of the kids that I needed to have her express permission before entering the house she lives in. FYI, my name is on the deed and I pay 100% of the mortgage.

On Father’s Day, she picked a fight with me in front of the kids and bitched to my 17 year old son about me, who was on vacation with on of her friends, which she scheduled on Father’s Day without asking me.

Bottom line is I don’t rely on her. And I need to get over being upset when she treats me like shit. The progress I have made is that I no longer engage with that shit. But it still keeps me up at night.

Slowly, I am learning that I don’t want or need her in my life and I much better off without her.

wickmik · 2023-07-01T07:48:31+00:00

Don’t set the bar so low for her. There is no excuse for the Father’s Day snub. She put her own feelings above the children when the children should be front and center. Some people are just not good people. My wife asked for a divorce 5 months ago and I found out her AP was spending the night a week after I moved out. How did I find out? My 2 year old told me. Hang in there. The hardest part for me has been to accept that I married a piece of shit.

questionoffitness · 2023-06-30T18:44:56+00:00

I totally get the Mothers Day / Fathers Day stuff... my ex's birthday is a week before Mothers Day which messes things up as well. Both my kids are under 8 yrs and make the typical art/cards for mothers/fathers day stuff in school and that all I received, things they had made in school... nothing made at home or that my ex encouraged them to make. Now my own birthday is coming up and I'm curious if they will be unaware, or if my ex will do something with/for them to give to me... We shall see.

My own internal reactions to holidays, and birthdays etc are definitely in a state of flux.. trying to find a new normal. Lots of mixed emotions and expectations that can be challenging to deal with. OP, you are definitely not alone in this emotional mess of things.

wisstinks4 · 2023-06-30T22:18:25+00:00

You can find another women who will respect you and treat you better. Stbxw is trying to fuck your head space. Dont give satisfaction of this in anyway. Be big and strong for yourself. Stand up for you. No one else is going to do it unless it’s you.

I suggest go gray rock, do the 180 and no contact and don’t show any reactions to her bad behavior. Move on quickly and when the papers are finalized, go live a better life. Be safe out there.

Big_Yoda6712 · 2023-07-01T01:20:22+00:00

I guess I got lucky. The last time my XW left me, she said to one of her sisters that “I loved her too much to make this separation permanent” and then called me a lovesick fool. Two weeks later, she came over to the house for dinner and got sent home. I told her that even the foolishly lovesick eventually get the picture. We were then separated for four years, and I got into the cab of a truck and had a job and an adventure. She left me, she could buy the divorce.

My point is, she made everything hard on you. You are now separated from your kids half of the time. You wasted time and effort with this woman and you cannot even regret it because of the kids. And make no mistake about it, she still wants a relationship with you. She just wants to dictate the terms. F*ck that. If she wants to fight, fight hard enough to make her regret it, and say those things that hurt her. If she wants cordiality, then be kind. If she wants to argue in front of the kids, walk off. Be in control. Yes it hurts. Make sure she feels some of it. Make her pull back. You are no longer her husband, and it is not your job to guard her heart anymore. Besides, she hasn’t cared what happened to yours.

Ptsdveterannavy · 2023-06-30T21:07:37+00:00

Bro, I mean no disrespect but with sincerity. Fuck that, she knew what she was doing but then again you shouldn't let her have that power. Yes, Father's Day is important, but I wouldn't rely on her to remind your kids of this day and also keep your mindset ready for the pettiness. That is all....

Cool-Benefit7960 · 2023-07-01T00:26:25+00:00

Thanks for the advice! Guess I'll go full granite countertop mode. No emotions, just solid and cool. 😎

I_got_BAnaNaS · 2023-07-01T16:35:10+00:00

I had fun with my kids handcrafting an adorable Mother’s Day card for my ex. I didn’t do it for her. I did it for the kids.

She left me some pathetic handouts filled out by the kids at school. It made me happy to know that I am a better parent.

Don’t get bent that your ex is an ass. And don’t help her with her alarm. You’ll just be disappointed by her lack of appreciation. Help yourself by helping your kids instead.

iSurvivedltd · 2023-06-30T20:34:17+00:00

Nope. If it was Mother's Day I am sure she would want to ensure you did your part to ensure she's acknowledged. It goes both ways bro

vector5633 · 2023-06-30T20:20:07+00:00

You should have had in the custody agreement, that you have your kids every father's day no matter who's time it falls under.

No-Seaworthiness1238 · 2023-07-01T00:27:19+00:00

Remember she left you. She ended her husband subscription and getting “man help” with things like house alarms ended with that. It doesn’t make it any less lonely, I know. But remember the times the shoe was on the other foot and she wouldn’t support you, like a fathers day card. It doesn’t make it any better but sometimes remembering things like that can remind you why it’s for your best you need to soldier on.

Timbers-creek · 2023-07-01T03:45:58+00:00

I started the grey rock method with my stbxw. I was helping with rent/bills until our lease was up.(Jan-Aug) but at the beginning of June I told her I was done. She asked if I could send money & I said no. If I can’t live in my own house & use my internet etc etc, then I don’t need to be paying.

Title	Going no contact …so hard
Author	Benzon22s
Upvotes	12
Comments	42
Date	June 30, 2023 6:31 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14n88xc/going_no_contact_so_hard/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/going-no-contact-so-hard.1223802 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223802

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