How to not end bitter ?

alifeofpeace · 2024-05-22T09:10:09+00:00

My divorce is dragging into month 10 now and is bumping up against 100k in attorney fees, court appointed psychologists and forensic accountants. Allegations of physical abuse against the children continues. Every time I try to do something with the boys that she can’t afford to do she cries that im abusive and it’s unsafe for the kids.

Unfortunately I sensed she had this dark side in her during the marriage which of course led me to pulling the plug on it. Yes I filed. I took away her opportunity to tag me for a long term marriage. My alimony will be over much sooner than she can dream.

As for not being bitter? I don’t want her to have ANY power over my life. Zero zip nada. She’s not worth it. There’s so many better people out there than her so I will not let her twisted ass impact my view of people and the world. Let her be bitter. I won’t let her darkness infect my light my life is too bright especially without her in it.

Allowing her to make me into a bitter person means she impacted me negatively and i can’t allow her to have that. Temporarily yes I am hurt and a bit bitter indeed. I’d say more traumatized but that’s also because divorce and dysfunctional marriages are all around me. It’s a time to exercise extreme caution as it pertains to relationships especially at this stage in the game with young children. I’ve elected to have NO relationships right now as I’m vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Until I feel comfortable and trust myself I won’t date period. As for being bitter lol no thanks I’ve chosen to smile.

rhett342 · 2024-05-22T07:18:25+00:00

Being at least a little bitter is perfectly normal. Even when you think you're past it, you'll have times when you fall back into it. Don't beat yourself up when you do that. It'll happen less and less the further out you go.

What's really helped me is something I read on here. "There is no backup. Nobody is coming to save you." It sounds harsh but it's true. Your ex is gone. You've got nobody looking after you now (if she ever actually did to begin with). You have to figure out what you want to do with your life now and how you're going to get it. Once you've got that, go bust your ass to make it happen. Work hard. Work smart. Enjoy the victories as you get them and learn from your mistakes when you lose. It's hard and it sucks but, good or bad, what happens now is on you. The more you work on that and see your successes, the less time you'll have to be sad and bitter.

galactic_soap · 2024-05-22T06:56:37+00:00

"Bitter" is a label, one with a negative connotation, conditioned through social norms that shun healthy and natural ways of processing trauma. If the end of my 15-year marriage has taught me anything it's the importance of developing ways of experiencing the full array of what lives throws at you, as it arises, moment to moment, in healthy and authentic ways. For me, this means facing into what you're feeling, acknowledging it's impermanence, and then letting it go. If right now, today, tomorrow, next week, hell next decade you feel an emotion, and/or feeling arise you'd consider worthy of labelling as "bitter", then do so, but acknowledge the days, weeks, months, and decades either side of that moment that didn't feel like that. Let it pass and get back to crushing it soldier. TLDR: How to not end Bitter? Don't allow yourself to be the void that makes the impermanent permanent.

Accomplished_Gene176 · 2024-05-22T04:33:05+00:00

Being bitter will save you from fucking up again. Its ok to be jaded. With time youll put the bitter energy into hobbies and working out

potatotornado44 · 2024-05-22T01:57:35+00:00

“Bitter” is a term which will get thrown at you by females and currently married men. It’s a way to absolve the woman of any accountability and to paint you as a bad guy. Don’t accept it. Your life as you see fit.

Formal_Ad4612 · 2024-05-22T00:55:36+00:00

I figure awareness is the leading indicator here, and you’re clearly on your way. Catch yourself in the negative thoughts and shift them - sometimes with a positive spin, other times just dismiss the thought and move on to something else. Some days I bat 99%, other days it feels like 10% - and that wide space in between is probs where balanced human beings reside. We’re all here with some form of trauma, and we don’t get to choose when and how we experience the thick of it - remembering that and giving grace on the bad days is immensely important.

And lastly, preaching the advice I need myself to fellow Redditors has been highly therapeutic and the rub off fake it til ya make it effect is real 😉

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-05-22T00:44:51+00:00

Focus on you and mind your own business, I create house or backyard projects to keep me busy

Mobile_Scientist_719 · 2024-05-21T22:39:08+00:00

My ex is bitter, angry, and revenge-y enough to make a dozen spaghetti westerns and five Missing in Action sequels. That's plenty. There really isn't much room left for my bitterness.

You know how they say distance makes the heart grow fonder? Well, getting the fuck out of dodge makes the bitterness disappear. Edit: Well, my bitterness at least.

Reflog1791 · 2024-05-21T20:43:36+00:00

When you start doubling down on getting buff.

50 push-ups every morning when you wake up will have you looking and feeling like a tank in about 2 weeks.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2024-05-21T20:35:55+00:00

I’m getting back into salsa dancing. Moving your body is like meditation. And it’s a good workout and I get to look at some pretty ladies too. But all the advice here is fantastic too

deludedhairspray · 2024-05-21T20:13:29+00:00

Depends on your disposition, I suppose, but I have personally found a lot of refuge in old spiritual teachings, as well as more modern takes on them. They've given me a perspective and longview that a modern materialist worldview simply doesn't offer us. There's more to the universe than what is on TV, social media and in the news. People that lived before us aren't all numpties that knew nothing - we can learn a lot from their teachings, particularly when we're in a seemingly bad predicament. Essentially, life is a story, the outplaying of archetypical mechanics, we're just not used to perceive it as such. We rise and we fall, sometimes we fall really low. But when we learn that we can rise from the depths, we can climb higher than ever before. I'm rambling, not sure if the spiritual view is for you, but there's a lot of helpful perspectives to discover if you're so inclined. Best of luck to you! ❤️

CrazySanta7 · 2024-05-21T19:52:44+00:00

I say i'm never getting married again and people call me bitter. F that. No, i'm making an informed decision based on facts, stats, and my experience. Lol. Get in the gym, do hobbies, travel, dress better, make new friends and be the best dad (if you have kids) you can be. If you understand women, you won't get pissed when they do what they do.

kdthex01 · 2024-05-21T19:07:21+00:00

Remember that setting boundaries - including not getting married again - isn’t bitter just because someone who benefits monetarily says so.

Least_Respect_7686 · 2024-05-21T18:34:03+00:00

I don’t know if this is going to make sense, but I read a random comment on a post one time. There’s no context needed. I just think about this comment often.

“How dare she make me feel my own feelings!”

For some reason, those words unlocked the ability in me to feel my pain. I was able to cry for the first time in over a decade. I kept crying over it all until I didn’t need to cry anymore.

I think, for a lot of us, we push our feelings down and never release them. It’s a good thing in many cases, but it also makes us unable to grieve properly. It keeps us beholden to those feelings. It stops us from moving on, and from seeing better in the world.

Feel your feelings. Remember the good times, the bad times, and everything in between. Listen to some sappy love songs. Listen to some angry metal. Just let them come out.

You’ll come out the other side of that not feeling so bitter.

Mundane-Surround-325 · 2024-05-21T18:17:11+00:00

Visiting a hospital, cancer treatment department shows us that so many among us, even the youngest, happened to pull the shorter straw. To get perspective, seeing what some people have to go through, helps to sort out the most bitter pills, and to do some constructive thinking in the midst of chaos.

cubssux · 2024-05-21T18:05:54+00:00

I hear you this is the hardest thing I ever did. You will be overwhelmed and emotional it’s normal. Talk always helped writing too. The more you get that crap out of your head the better you will be. Keep busy and keep stepping forward.

Malcolm_tent8 · 2024-05-21T17:56:08+00:00

I am right here with you friend and I’m only commenting so I can follow, I wish you luck, I wish the both of us luck. It feels like such a tough road ahead and I am overwhelmed and in the future looks so bleak, Godspeed

Title	How to not end bitter ?
Author	waterkata
Upvotes	17
Comments	32
Date	May 21, 2024 5:52 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cxe21w/how_to_not_end_bitter/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-not-end-bitter.1519142 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519142

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