I finally understand why people self harm

Temporary-Bank-6384 · 2024-10-04T17:18:38+00:00

"She's been unhappy for years" Let me translate that for you...she's known for years she was going to divorce you.

You ever been fired from a job or written up,

then a few weeks later start to think "hold the fuck up, my boss actually broke this and this policy before, and the company lied about this and this policy, and the dude who replaced me ended up being the bosses nephew.....etc etc"? Thats what divorces are like.

They will gaslight and manipulate you into oblivion if you let them. And they'll be patronizing about it too. That's the part I hated the most.

Like they're just so heartbroken to divorce😔, and if you just would've done this and this they totally would've stayed! Horse shit.

Your ex knew for years and the overwhelming odds is she got bored and wants to get back on the dating apps. Listen to us. We've been there.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2024-10-04T17:55:42+00:00

We've all been through what you're going through. Journal, hit the gym to release that frustration, talk to friends about what you're going through, listen to sad songs, feel the pain and anguish. Repeat for the next 12 - 18 months. Don't try to short circuit the grieving process, that will do more harm in the long run.

It does get better. Eventually you'll come to realize she was either too immature to deal with her resentments, too poor at communication to share what she was feeling in a mature way, or she was daydreaming (or more) about another dude.

Also, once the divorce is final and you get through the grieving process and don't really need her will be the day she starts sending you flirty messages again and trying to reconnect. Don't fall for it.

GreenUse1398 · 2024-10-04T17:54:39+00:00

"Divorce is always good news. No happy marriage ever ended in divorce. Divorce is for life, marriage is for how long you can hack it." - Louis CK.

To echo what others have said: just worry about your kid. The only thing you can control about the situation, is yourself. Fortunately, that's all you need.

imknownasdadada · 2024-10-04T17:49:51+00:00

I’m in the same spot. But I will lose everything because of my education level, I was a stay at home dad, etc. I’m over 40 and have no future. I am only in the position to take from them. From their future. I will not. I am giving up the fight. Canceling the lawyer. My exit would only improve their situation. I’m not looking for a response. I’m not going to check for responses. Society says it’s the cowards way, but it takes more courage to go against your fight or flight instincts then not too. People die from physical trauma constantly. Why is mental trauma not good enough.

deaflenny · 2024-10-04T17:47:14+00:00

Man, I’m in a similar situation. Devastated, not seeing a future.

captainjacksparrow84 · 2024-10-04T17:27:35+00:00

The marriage wheel is undeafeated my dude. This has been in the works for a while. So sorry you are going through this. Hit the gym and get a therapist.

Much_Zombie6518 · 2024-10-04T17:14:48+00:00

Sorry to tell you, but it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better. I have no idea, but try to get a therapist now!

This_Train340i · 2024-10-04T17:12:58+00:00

There's a dude waiting in the wings 100%, so you can take comfort in that if you really think it will help. But more to your point: self harm doesn't erase the pain, it just amplifies it by 100x and forces the people who love you to suffer for the rest of their lives (child, parents, siblings, other family, and friends).

koboboba · 2024-10-04T16:24:28+00:00

You're so dramatic, she hides things from you, goes behind your back, blames you for her unhappiness and you fall on your knees and confess that it's all your fault... Very nice but this isn't a Hollywood movie, your pity party will not help you in life.

RichardCleveland · 2024-10-04T16:23:11+00:00

Just remember if you do something to yourself, your doing something to your child as well. The amount of trauma and psychological issues kids develop when losing a parent, especially to suicide is massive.

You don't want your child thinking "daddy didn't love me enough" for the rest of their life.

I am glad to hear that you feel that you won't go that far. But I highly recommend not drinking or using any drugs through this period (if you do). Drinking pushed me into a very dark place early on, and I am lucky to have made it out.

Things will eventually be OK, we all went through this anguish at one time. The wounds are just to fresh right now to see that.

krazykanuck · 2024-10-04T16:22:23+00:00

Buddy, I can tell you are in it right now, but consider this. If you reversed the roles and it was YOU who didn't communicate something to your partner for years... who's really at fault here. We are human beings, we can't read minds. A partnership NEEDS communication. It's the basis for how we function! Don't blame yourself. You obviously would have done ANYTHING for her, this is not on you. It's just going to take you a long time to figure that out.

itoocouldbeanyone · 2024-10-04T16:21:07+00:00

My lowest through this process was when there were brief moments I was told I wouldn’t have 50/50 custody. It’s astounding how fast my brain went to dark moments. I am proud to say, it is, it’s been agreed and will be true, 50/50.

These are trying times and I’m glad you’re being there for your kid. Keep working on yourself, you’ve got this and us.

celticmoose · 2024-10-04T16:15:41+00:00

This is cliche stuff here but it’s cliche for a reason - find a therapist, hit the gym, spend as much time with others as you can because sitting alone with your thoughts will be hell. Hitting the gym isn’t about getting buff or anything it’s about the dopamine you get from it. Every time I was angry or sad in the beginning I worked out and felt better 100% of the time. Therapy gave me a place to be angry or sad without exposing my kids to it or having something come out to my STBXW that would have made things worse.

You need to put in your oxygen mask before you put it on your kid as the saying goes.

I do not recommend going down redpill rabbit holes or reading stuff like No More Mr. Nice Guy, at least not as this stage. Maybe it comforts some men but frankly I think you need to focus on yourself first and not worry about the entire female gender.

falcon0221 · 2024-10-04T15:47:18+00:00

Except for the kid I’m in the same boat. The betrayal is with me every day. Because that’s what it is. The fact that she felt this way for years and didn’t bother to try to fix it or communicate appropriately.

I’m right at divorce, we’ve been apart over 2 years. The only time I’ve felt ok is when I’ve been distracted. Work, hobbies and exercise. It hasn’t exactly gotten easier but I’ve already cried so much that I don’t do it as much. Still it took a year and a half to get to that point. I still wake up with an intense dread every morning almost a scream in my head. I’ve found that taking some alieve every day helps deal with that. I think all the rumination gives me headaches.

PerpetualMonotony · 2024-10-04T15:44:36+00:00

I know this might sound out there, but if you have been thinking about getting a tattoo, now is the time to go get it done. Shortly after my STBXW told me she wanted a divorce I had a prescheduled tattoo appointment. It was so cathartic. The pain from the tattoo helped me in ways I can’t explain.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2024-10-04T15:38:57+00:00

Yessir. I hear you. I feel you.

I am faking it, till I make it. I believe the good marine corps use that line in abundance. I am trying to live the fake, to make it.

Bermnerfs · 2024-10-04T15:09:02+00:00

The most important thing to do in this situation is also the hardest. You have to keep yourself together and stable or it only makes things 100x worse. That's why the first piece of advice everyone gives is to fully focus on yourself. Your health, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially.

Get to the gym, start reading books about self improvement and mindfulness, get your finances in order.

The mindfulness piece is the most important. You need to start training your mind to be as strong as it can be. The path to this is through understanding the voice in your head isn't who you are. It's your ego talking, and it doesn't always have your best interest in mind. Learn to separate ego from self, or it will destroy you worse than she ever could.

techrmd3 · 2024-10-04T15:00:38+00:00

many have been where you are, and many have made choices that I don't understand.

The only thing that seems to help is the understanding there is a little human that needs you to keep it together and provide for them, it's a duty you owe to the future regardless of rewards and present pain.

please chose the future, chose duty

Title	I finally understand why people self harm
Author	cmac104
Upvotes	15
Comments	24
Date	October 4, 2024 2:48 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fw0y4x/i_finally_understand_why_people_self_harm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-finally-understand-why-people-self-harm.1532046 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532046

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