Having a hard time coping with something that should be the least of my worries

Suspicious_Dot6179 · 2024-10-20T18:07:35+00:00

I believed I would never be able to handle my ex with someone else. Then I met my dream wife. She is so beautiful to me that I actually was shy around her for the first months after I met her. Now the thought of sex with the ex repulses me so much I would not be able to sleep with her for any amount of money. She was a season that's all, you are just used to her. Believe me, when she wants to leave, your mind tricks u into thinking she's some sort of goddess. And u see all these perfect men lining up to shag her. Nope. She will meet someone, and sex will be average. No Hollywood orgy scenes. Our minds are our worst enemy! Just forget her, so that u can meet your real wife

dfb54749014 · 2024-10-19T16:56:34+00:00

I saw this somewhere like Facebook and it gave me a good laugh any time I thought of her with her AP or anyone else...

"OH you're dating my Ex? Cool! I'm eating a sandwich right now... do you want those leftovers too?"

stupididiot78 · 2024-10-18T22:13:02+00:00

This is a woman who is tearing your family apart. Why would you ever want to be with someone like that? Pity the poor guy who actually picks up that bag of crazy.

PM-Me-Milwaukee · 2024-10-18T21:02:26+00:00

This will sound horrible but it made me feel better while I'm considering divorce. I slept with her for twenty years from 24-45. I had all her "good years." Whoever she's with next will never have that.

HereinPA1 · 2024-10-18T20:44:51+00:00

This is what worked for me. I would sit with my eyes closed and visualize every filthy, over the top caveman shit some guy would do to her. At first I could only do it for a minute or two because it was wrecking me.

But over time I just became numb to it the more times I did it. If I think of it now, it elicits no emotion at all. She may as well be a stranger in my mind.

My ex is also attractive and fit and it was devastating at first to think about. But, if you force yourself to see the whole act; beginning, middle and end, after a while it’s just like, meh, been there done that.

She did jump right into another relationship, that did tear me down knowing how quickly she replaced me, but the thought of some random guy dicking her down had no effect because I went through those visualization exercises.

ARocHT11 · 2024-10-18T15:34:57+00:00

The only thing that matters is your child and what that looks like moving forward. Outside of that, the only focus should be on yourself and what you want your life to be moving forward. And how to get out of this scenario as financially healthy as possible. All that other stuff doesn't matter. I know it's hard to not think about. We all go through this. But the more you focus on you and your child, the quicker you will get past this. Good luck brother you got this.

Still-Average9690 · 2024-10-18T15:15:30+00:00

I think about this all day every day. She just told me she has a date Monday. I asked her for honesty because my dumbass thinks "well what if we reconcile, then there's all the lying and hiding shit". But with that comes the added bullshit of "okay, well, she's going on dates, talking to other men, etc...shes already broken that trust". Doesn't help she's ruthless as hell about it. I fucking hate this so much.

Temporary-Bank-6384 · 2024-10-18T09:55:44+00:00

My ex said when she left "if we do get back together we're not going to talk about what we did when we were seperated".

People don't say that to hide the fact theyre taking clarinet lessons, ya get my drift. "Ok, i confess, while seperated i.... i, self-published a compilation of short stories! breaks into tears "

And she and I had only ever had sex with each other. So I understand where you're coming from.

Don't be blind to this stuff, especially if she does try to reconcile, and the fact you have kids. But you don't need to dwell on it either.

Also, you need to realize now the reason you were blindsided is because she knew years ago she was going to leave you, and used you for X amount of years she needed to until it was convenient to leave. Focus on that shit, not if she is sort- of cute or not.

AKA_Wildcard · 2024-10-18T14:26:01+00:00

Best advice I can give you is to lean into the pain. You also need to learn how to focus your mind on things other than the horrible images of your ex with someone else. I read a really good comment one time that didn’t exactly apply to divorced couples, but it basically said don’t ruminate about a woman you’re not in a relationship with or you’ll drive yourself crazy. I recommend getting a therapist and spending time working on self-help. This is not going to be an easy road but given enough time and distance things do get better. This is coming from someone who was married previously for over half my life.

letsbehavingu · 2024-10-18T13:10:29+00:00

I wasn’t worried about sex, but I was bothered about a man being around my child and I still am. Thankfully, she hasn’t really tried to introduce anyone to him yet.

techrmd3 · 2024-10-18T12:46:07+00:00

yep the idea of your wife getting it on with another man is a kick in the nether region... no two ways about it.

What's even MORE kicking is the near certainty that she is with another man already or at least has an emotional affair with some man.

People typically don't pull the whole "I want out of this situation" without a solid plan B to move to when the "situation" ends.

The best advice I can give about this is. When a spouse says "divorce" they have immediately transformed into a stranger. YOU as a spouse realize this mentally... but in your heart there is still the feelings for your spouse.

But this person is no longer your spouse. Their whole emotional frame has changed into a new person a person who no longer cares for you and is mostly only thinking of themselves.

FYI - get a paternity test on JR toddler... you never know.

dasfoo · 2024-10-18T11:47:14+00:00

Very similar situation here except our kids are nearly all grown. AFAIKnew she was frigid, suffering from hormonal changes brought on by pregnancy/motherhood and that it was my job to faithfully struggle with the lack of a physical relationship. I knew she loved me but that part was broken. Turns out, maybe she was just indifferent to me but found me useful as a sperm donor and co-parent until the kids were mostly self-sufficient. The idea of her wanting to have sex with someone else is a killer because I assumed she had little sexual desire period. Fun fact: it was just me.

One of the contentious issues in our marriage has been that I am not outdoorsy — something I was brutally honest about before we got married. I find hiking tolerable in small doses but I get nothing out of it, and camping is like slow dull uncomfortable torture to me. This is how I thought she felt about sex in general — I’ve asked her a few times over the years in our more raw conversations about it if she was gay or asexual or abused as a kid — and I’ve wondered if it would sting her similarly if I was suddenly eager to go camping with some new person. (It wouldn’t, because she never cared.)

But I also know how that she uses sex as a utilitarian snare and will lose interest quickly and the next guy will feel the same way I do now.

LoveCrispApples · 2024-10-18T10:25:45+00:00

This way of thinking is exactly why I'm not in a better place right now. If I could somehow ditch it, my recovery would look a lot better. Mine moved on right away.

RonJ103 · 2024-10-18T07:28:34+00:00

Look up "Sexual Market Value"

She is likely in the downslope for her sexual market value

You however are probably still gaining value every year

Aggravating-Pear-769 · 2024-10-18T06:01:51+00:00

Not really, I dislike her so much, fuck her (literally). She has no libido anyway, its a trap for the next guy. What pisses me off is some jackoff trying to intervene when we inevitably have a parenting disagreement. ‘Thats my wife you are talking to!’ Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?

Misericordee · 2024-10-18T05:48:52+00:00

Yes. This absolutely kills me- I stayed married for years longer than I wanted to, because I could not, and cannot bear the thought of my wife being with someone else (which she is). like you, I made plenty of my own mistakes, she made hers too. I’m still so emotionally fraught, and she moved on so quickly. It is devastating. Ultimately, ignoring it does work- I just have to force myself not to think of her that way. delete all sexy/ nude/etc pictures that you have. ALL of them. I did a little mini funeral of sorts where I spent a day poring over them and then did the mass delete, in addition to tossing everything she ever gave me. That was cathartic and did help. I couldn’t stop looking at her pictures and missing her body. Even thinking of this now, upsets me. And I haven’t thought of it in a long time, until I saw this post.

Title	Having a hard time coping with something that should be the least of my worries
Author	cmac104
Upvotes	13
Comments	27
Date	October 18, 2024 5:12 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1g6amxi/having_a_hard_time_coping_with_something_that/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/having-a-hard-time-coping-with-something-that.1532835 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532835

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