Indifference - how did you get there?

hazalo9 · 2025-08-01T18:45:59+00:00

NO CONTACT - Get your life used to not having her in it. Fill your schedule with things to do and let it out whenever you need to. It takes time and discipline, you will eventually realize one day you are over her.

TheCommentator- · 2025-08-01T16:53:43+00:00

Bury her…

The woman you thought you had a life with is dead, the woman you thought had your back is dead, whatever picture you had of her in a positive way, put it underground.

The woman you deal after divorce is the true person that was there waiting to come out, see for who she is and move on. I know it’s not easy, but for me that’s how I was able to turn the page.

Don’t be surprised if she gets all butthurt when you treat her like you never knew her, tears will show up but you do not and won’t care. It’s straight business.

Reddit_P2E_Seeker · 2025-08-01T13:47:18+00:00

I view life as the longest trip of life to get my kids. When my kids are with me, I'm dad and Superman. When I drop them off, I have cleaning, errands, playdates, reading, exercise, cooking, Goodwill shopping, and now I'm practicing baking cookie cakes for their birthday.

She is their mom and the most consistent yet expensive(for the rest of alimony) babysitter. As long as the survive with her and don't feel unloved, then I'm confident in their care while I work on me during the childless time.

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-08-01T13:17:54+00:00

Indifference was easy for me. It was much harder to forgive myself for getting involved with a woman not worthy of marrying.

1millionBURNINGsuns · 2025-08-01T03:40:33+00:00

When you finally love yourself as much as you tried to love in your marriage.

It’s a calm confidence, without a ‘and fuck you’ at the end. When you’re just here, you and you’re unconditionally giving yourself forgiveness, empathy and love. When you see all the feelings you mentioned, but you see them from afar almost, and the feelings aren’t driving you blindly.

It’s almost like a backpack that you don’t carry anymore. You used to carry it around and throw some guilt, resentment, anger whatever in there AND you were probably letting other people throw some in there too. Over time and before a divorce and after it can get so heavy. So getting to the point where not only is there nothing in your backpack but you’re actually not even carrying one around is when you’ll know.

At that point you’ll see that people will be confused with you because they will try to throw shit in your backpack and then realize that ‘oh shit that guy doesn’t even have one!’ It’s a confidence and calm that maybe at first will feel performative and then suddenly you’ll arrive and it becomes an all the time reality.

Be in the world. Do stuff. Run or exercise sure but do things for the right reasons don’t do things to avoid introspection or a panacea.

nonotmeporfavor · 2025-08-01T01:58:04+00:00

I don’t have kids and can’t even begin to understand the deep pain and unraveling this must be.

The fact that you have made it this far says so much about the person you are, the man you are.

What I do know based on what you are sharing is that you cared and probably more than you believed you could ever. Because, that’s what you do when you go all in. What do you do when you find yourself in the situation you are in now?

Cognitive Reframe.

Time alone. Nothing on. Just you and your thoughts. Journal like a mad man. Whatever comes your way. This works really well after spending time with just you and your thoughts. Do this before you go to bed. This means no more social media, tv or lights after you put the journal away.

Wake up and do the same. No phone. Use the bathroom. Water on face. Brush teeth. Drink water. Open up curtains to let natural light in or turn on lights. Make bed. Light stretch. Meditate/ alone time and journal again. Go about your day.

Do this until the day you die.

There’s a lot you have inside that need to come out. Forgive yourself and forgive your past self. If you had childhood trauma, sit down with your childhood self and talk to him. He has a lot to say. If you haven’t tried it already, EMDR, IFS and Parts are incredible modalities that your therapist can help with.

You’re not alone and kudos for reaching out for help.

Happy to help and chat if you feel stuck.

OogyBoogy_I_am · 2025-08-01T01:29:36+00:00

Telling yourself over and over "I don't care".

Every time a thought of them pops into your head just say to yourself "why do I bother thinking about this? Oh look, an interesting looking tree." Practice the art of looking through her whenever you see her. Keep all answers to single word responses.

This growing an indifference to her is a process whereby you just repeatedly tell yourself the same thing "I just don't care." You live in the moment so when the kids are with you, you are 100% Dad. And when they are not, you are 100% u/aarongdl.

Think of it like compartmentalising your life into "with kids/without kids." With kids you are the parent and that is your while being for that the entire time you are with them. Then as soon as they get driven away you pick up the "now I can do this" and then you get to do it. And then you try and not think about the kids until they are back with you again.

The "This" can be whatever you like but it must nit involve sitting around and moping and wondering why the house is quiet.

This takes time but it also takes a mindset change for you to work through. Your life is now 50% kids, 50% free. So work out what you can do in that free time. Use it for you.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2025-07-31T22:46:27+00:00

You can't force or speed up your way there. All you can do is feel what you're feeling, go through the process of grieving what you've lost.

What helped me was understanding. I did that by coming here and reading other men's experiences, reading about statistics on divorce, reading about celebrity divorce stories, journaling, therapy, strenuous exercise, and giving my rage an outlet.

I'm also no sure you will ever feel indifferent about what has transpired. You may eventually wish she had waited till the kids were older, you may eventually wish she done it when the kids were younger, or you you may eventually wish she never did it at all.

Reflog1791 · 2025-07-31T20:45:06+00:00

Pickup golf and make your new life better than your old life.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-07-31T20:19:36+00:00

I see my ex every few days transitioning between kids.

Thats what is doing it. You're being forced to relive it all seeing her.

Can you move swaps or not have to physically see her? My school year days are swapped via school (one drops, the other picks up) and non-school days when I pick up the kids jsut get sent out. I'm almost going to do the same but my youngest wants me to walk them out to the car. I PHYISICALLY see her MAYBE twenty times a year, and when I do its for 3min or less.

batmanarchy · 2025-07-31T19:21:34+00:00

It’s so much easier said than done, but I don’t believe you should want that. Indifference almost means you don’t care. To some level I was forced to become numb to survive the pain, but similar to you I find myself reopening all the wounds every time I see my ex or exchange our son. My ex profoundly destroyed me, but I am finding peace in the path of healing. It’s taken me too long to realize she was far from the person I thought she was. I am still just starting the process of rebuilding myself (2 years since we split as well). It is not easy. It is not what I wanted for my son or for myself. But now that I know who she really is, I feel free. I feel optimistic about what I can do now. I have a son and I get to write that story how I want now. I can be the fun dad. I can be the insightful dad. I can be the safe dad. I have no doubt his mother is going to continue to make my life hard and put strains on my relationship with my son. But fuck her. She’s bitter evil trash frankly. I wish I didn’t want to say that about my son’s mother, but it’s the truth. And yet for all her bullshit, forgive her. Rise above all of it and find a way to be the man you want to be, and do the things you want to do. Be the father yon want to be now that things have changed. Mourning the loss of the father and husband I always wanted to be was the hardest part for me. Once I accepted that version of myself was dead and gone and never coming back, I truly began the process of healing. Indifference shouldn’t be he goal in my opinion, it should be acceptance and peace with things as they are. Even happiness that you have this outcome.

nerdzilla16 · 2025-07-31T19:13:25+00:00

Sadly, it will take time, and even then you’ll have moments of pang. Meetup is a site that you can look at that has events going on where you can occupy yourself. Don’t stay alone, call family or friends when you can

Title	Indifference - how did you get there?
Author	aarongdl
Upvotes	18
Comments	16
Date	July 31, 2025 7:06 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1meadzx/indifference_how_did_you_get_there/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/indifference-how-did-you-get-there.1558596 https://theredarchive.com/post/1558596

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