Men I need help

RX8JIM · 2021-06-25T18:42:18+00:00

Hang in there man. There will be many ups and downs. More downs at first but eventually the ups come more frequently. One thing that I am focusing on is being my own person. Not that I have perfected that or anything else yet.

akshaykpr · 2021-06-25T18:04:50+00:00

Times change man, they will again. You need to stop worrying about her state and concentrate on yourself. Think of all the things you wanted to do but couldn’t with her around. Follow one of them, it will take time probably, but you’ll be good if you keep going. Reaffirm yourself everyday.

jnuttsishere · 2021-06-25T19:24:08+00:00

You’re not dreaming of her. You’re dreaming of a person she used to be. She is not that person anymore. Focus on yourself and try to stay away from beer

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2021-06-26T02:53:46+00:00

Someone just replied to me when I asked this question:

I've been going through a very high conflict divorce. It has wiped me out financially and it's still not over.

Will I ever be able to recover? In my late 30s. Paying child support. Any advice?

Someone replied:

Of course you can. Mine nearly wiped me out financially. At the time, I thought there was no way out except bankruptcy. Hell, the judge gave her half the marital portion of the 401K, a 401K that she never contributed a damn penny to. Luckily, I had started the contributions 10 years before we even met so I still had a reasonable amount left, not a lot...but something. She got a spousal award that equaled more than half of my take-home pay ($42K/year for 5.5 years). All this for someone who had 2 degrees (I'm a self taught engineer). She is a lazy, chronically unemployed and underemployed parasite.

That was 5.5 years ago and I made the final payment on my freedom on June 15th. I had massive credit card debt from the legal fees, I was bleeding cash. I moved into a cheap apartment, got a roommate, cut out all the unnecessary expenses like cable TV. I cooked at home, worked out at home. I paid off all the CC debt and focused on my career. I researched stocks and mutual funds and rebalanced my 401K for aggressive growth. Keep in mind, this was all when I was 50 years old so I felt like they were robbing me of my ability to retire. I stayed disciplined, kept the expenses down, swallowed my pride about needing a roommate in my 50's. I not only survived, I thrived. I went from $289K to $1.1m in the 401K, I'm 100% debt free, my income has gone up substantially in the last 5 years.

You can do the same. Focus on the life you will have, not the one you are going through now. You are much younger than I was when I divorced so you have years of job growth and compound interest ahead of you. Take the hard actions, create a budget and stick to it. Take care of yourself and be a good father to your children no matter the parenting agreement. Don't ever talk bad about her to the kids, just be a good person. Get a good hobby, I like running, because it is cardio and only costs a pair of shoes. learn a new skill. Take joy in creating a good home-cooked meal that YOU prepared that will be better than eating out. Have fun and don't let the bastards keep you down.

cloudburr · 2021-06-25T21:31:00+00:00

"She's at her highest."

It only seems that way.

Trust me. Women are experts at lying, and she will be taking pleasure from seeing you stricken, and pretending that she's fine.

The good news is that although you're hurting, you're far from done, you have time and resources, and with those you can recover, and not just recover, but thrive.

DivorcedConfused · 2021-06-26T02:35:01+00:00

When I was going through my divorce I figured something out that really helped me get over her. I figured out that there are two versions of my ex wife: 1) The idealized woman that I thought was my soul mate and 2)The scheming lying, cheating bitch that she really was. I came to the conclusion that only one was real 2) and the other was a figment of my imagination. That helped me fall out of love with her and helped me move on. Once I did that I started dating and finding women that treated me so much better than her. Women that desired me, respected me and genuinely wanted me in their lives.

wwstewart · 2021-06-25T22:49:40+00:00

Ignore her, she doesn't matter anymore.

YOU matter.

Do you have hobbies? Work? Get busy and stay busy.

It's going to suck for a while. Don't fight the suck. Acknowledge how you feel. But when you can, stay busy doing stuff for yourself that you enjoy just because you can.

You've got this.

SirOssis · 2021-06-26T01:12:36+00:00

I am right there with you, friend. My wife and I had the talk last night - we are getting a divorce. Here is the rub: I have been the least important person in her life during our 20 years together. She was always there for her friends, co-workers, employees, bosses, but never for the kids and I (she is a covert narcissist). I have been unhappy for more of our years together than not. But the ease and coldness with which she discussed her intent to leave was disappointing. She is at the height of her career and earnings and is going to move into an uptown apartment and live the life of luxury and fancy dinners she has always craved. I think it is easy to view the person who is most eager to leave as the ‘winner’ and the other one as the ‘loser’ in a divorce. I think I might have some co-dependency issues to work through as well. It might be that as men we are wired to protect the family at all costs. Not sure there is an easy answer. I have been unhappy for years and my head knows it’s time to leave but my heart still breaks. I miss the possibility of the life we had together, not the actual life we had together. I hope I can get her out of my head, too. I had an idea of how a marriage and kids should work but she only cared about the outer circle of her acquaintances; never her husband or kids. Still...hard to cope. I do appreciate having a therapist to talk to and would suggest the same to you. Others who have been through it advise avoiding alcohol, lifting weights, finding a hobby and connecting with friends. I wish you (and all us) good luck!

rmorlock · 2021-06-25T21:19:27+00:00

Man your in the worst part right now. I can't tell you when it goes away because it is different for everyone. Just keep moving forward

pharmd718 · 2021-06-26T00:53:58+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going thru this. Try to keep your mind occupied with some hobbies when your not working, go to the gym, and most importantly…talk to a therapist. It will pass..I promise. Hang in there and focus on yourself.

skirted_dork · 2021-06-25T19:51:28+00:00

One thing that has helped me a lot is watching videos by Dr. Ramani on YouTube. Is crucial for you to first understand yourself, your feeling and your triggers.

Hang in there, it only gets easier from here on.

Odisativ6 · 2021-06-26T00:13:12+00:00

The dreams are tough. It can throw your whole day off. In my opinion it’s one of those things you have to experience to Overcome it. You’re grieving. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to be sad it’s ok, start working on something that pulls you out of that sadness or distracts you from it. It’s a process, only you get to say how much time you will need. Hang in there brother.

matywon · 2021-06-28T20:12:01+00:00

I had night Terrors for a few weeks. It takes time. The Only thing that helped me was staying away from alcohol and hitting the gym HARD. Your head is going to go through the motions but you can tire your body out to the point of sleeping hard. It worked for me.

You'll hear this 10000000 times man but its true, it gets fucking better. Be kind to yourself.

Physical-Pie748 · 2021-06-25T20:21:41+00:00

first thing you need to learn: you can never make them happy and they can leave anytime they want and they can get over you fast. happens everytime. out of nothing or just because shes bored now. they iniitiate 70-90% of all divorces. it seems shes in her high now so hypergamy tells her to leave and look for men with even more money.

Low_Concentrate_9375 · 2021-06-25T21:39:30+00:00

Just hang in there man. Night time is the worst. I have some sleep headphones and I use the Calm app to keep the pervasive thoughts out of my head. The bed time stories on the app are particularly helpful. Also weed.

thedarkaquarian007 · 2021-06-25T22:00:55+00:00

Honestly; start working out, doing fun and interesting hobbies, but most importantly, start dating! It will take some time, but the best way to get over a women, is to get on top of another one. However, you start dating again. Seek therapy, and conduct a marriage autopsy and find out what went wrong and how to correct them.

Grizzlies5003 · 2021-06-25T22:36:05+00:00

It takes time but trust me, you will be happier months down the road

Darkfire66 · 2021-06-26T00:33:30+00:00

Would you be interested in a support group? I have a great group of people in a WhatsApp chat that you can turn your notifications off on and dip your toe in to the conversation anytime and be surrounded by supportive people that are going through the same stuff.

I'm on the way back up after being devastated 6 months ago.

Hey guys sorry I was at work all day and don't play on Reddit.

I'm going to forward this to the group admin and anybody who has chimed in to get an invite.

Romeoville21 · 2021-06-26T01:25:42+00:00

Men you guys have been the best help I have received yet. Very thorough and thoughtful advice.

ESLTATX · 2021-06-26T07:54:19+00:00

Stay strong, my friend. This is only the beginning, and with every beginning, there's always a journey towards an end. 🤗

Title	Men I need help
Author	Romeoville21
Upvotes	32
Comments	46
Date	June 25, 2021 5:53 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/o7sui6/men_i_need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/men-i-need-help.816652 https://theredarchive.com/post/816652

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