Money Question

Jhonnybgood2017 · 2025-08-22T12:41:14+00:00

Brother prioritize the kids you have instead of the kids your girlfriend wants. It's not time to start a new family while your old one is struggling.

HyperBeetleJam · 2025-08-21T12:08:35+00:00

Went through this too like did my prenup through neptune and honestly it was a lifesaver like kept my retirement and kids stuff safe and we set fair rules (split bills by % of income)

Paper_Chaser_2025 · 2025-08-21T05:46:01+00:00

I find it odd she is willing to date down, no offense. Consider what "demanding career" meets "wants to get married and have a kid" might result in. Might she quit? Might she fall out on you if and when she does? Hard questions.

UnknownUsername113 · 2025-08-21T03:31:41+00:00

You have to talk to her man. Sounds like you’ve got a solid woman. Not many men have an easy time finding a woman who’s single and childless to take on a man with kids.

RealDamage007 · 2025-08-21T02:35:19+00:00

My bro, you have to have this conversation otherwise you don’t know who you’re dealing with. Are you really going to not communicate and go into another marriage???? WTF??? Be open and see what you have to deal with.

GreenOrangeTea · 2025-08-20T23:30:58+00:00

Girl's perspective: if you were my committed loving boyfriend and would not tell me and would not be willing to discuss these thoughts and fears with me, I would fell very hurt and betrayed and seriously would question the future of our relationship. If you are not able or wiling to be open and vulnerable with me now, what else are you going to hide from me in the future when we get old and tough decisions might need to be made?!

ageoffri · 2025-08-20T19:28:03+00:00

When things were getting more serious with my now wife, my therapist made it very clear that it was time to have a financial conversation. We talked about what we made, saver vs spender, existing debt, long term goals, and a few more things.

Honestly it was likely the second biggest moment in our relationship.

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-08-20T19:11:11+00:00

"I feel like if I tell her I can’t afford to do anything extra she will get put off."

Already walking on eggshells, I see. Being afraid to lose a partner over telling the truth about your personal finances should be a dealbreaker for you. Instead, you conceal your financial distress while knowing you cannot afford dates and vacations and a home anytime soon. She's already manipulating you by having you self censor. This will 100% lead to resentment. That aside, why the hell are you getting married again?

My ex made way more than me too. She was cruel and selfish with her money, expecting me to pay half anytime we went out to dinner. I couldn't afford it and preferred making better dinners at home anyway, but going out was her preferred lifestyle. I couldn't keep up. She once told me she was super generous as soon as she "feels" right, whatever that means. I took it as quid pro quo in exchange for performing circus tricks ... little treats from her to be a monkey. When it came time to file taxes, she insisted we file separately, causing me to incur a larger tax bill rather than benefit from the marriage. I think she enjoyed controlling finances and making me financially miserable.

"What yours is hers and what's hers is hers" is a true saying. She wants your resources to contribute to her preferred lifestyle. Been there, done that. My ex was an uncontrollable, entitled boss babe and a bully. She went on vacation with her family on a cruise that her grandma paid for, including my ticket, but left me at home saying "my family will understand if you cannot afford it" simply because I mentioned money would be tight on my end for excursions and drinks. I never saw her again after that cruise, and the divorce was filed the week after she returned. Five years later, my business blew up and I retired financially independent.

You better come clean about your inability to afford dinner, vacations, and a house now in order to see what kind of person she really is. My guess? She gone. In fact, that's how my marriage ended. I knew it was on the rocks and a total charade; she didn't love or respect me at all but at the same time I knew divorce had to be her idea. After all, she was a boss babe who didn't like to be told what to do, never apologized for CHEATING (I 100% checked out after that so I am sure she picked up on my total indifference to her shit tests), and did whatever she wanted with HER money .. it was never "ours" unlike how a man thinks. All I had to say was, "I'm broke and might need some help with the mortgage next month."

When the divorce was filed, she went absolutely nuts over having to disclose her financial information. So evil and selfish. She wanted to destroy me and threatened to take my premarital home. Total crash out and nasty as can be. Me? I was already over her and indifferent. I just wanted her gone.

Don't marry this woman. It will not end well. She is going to make you a financially miserable person too trying to keep up with her boss babe lifestyle. Don't be afraid to tell her no and that you cannot afford it. You'll see exactly who she is when she finally understands you are broke.

so_now_you_know · 2025-08-20T18:30:29+00:00

but we haven’t talked about specific financial arrangements

Found the issue.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-08-20T18:12:06+00:00

My stbx makes more than I do now. At the start of the marriage it was about the same but they are in the medical filed and quickly eclipsed me. It was a major issue for them. As the woman they wanted me to make more (impossible as I work in an office and they are a freaking MD) due to some screwed up view of men being the provider. never mind all the work/support while they went though med school. Nope, I should just suddenly start making more somehow.

At the end them making more was also held over me when it came to ANY fiscal decision, they felt like they had a final call on anything, even down to things like what cereal brand.

You should have a discussion - maybe you do a 25/75 split on costs, or you do something where she understands NOW she would be shouldering things when it comes to something she wants (i.e. if she wants to take a expensive trip its on HER to pay for most/all because asking you to cover 50% is just her bleeding you dry).

You need to get all your fiscal BS sorted NOW or it WILL implode.

FashionableLabcoat · 2025-08-20T17:19:00+00:00

Tell her. “I don’t have much money, but [girl] if I did, I’d buy a big house where we both could live” are classic lyrics for a reason. Be with someone who can accept you for you— not your ease of circumstances.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-08-20T17:14:05+00:00

If a woman is into you she won't care what you make or if you even have a job. She'll make any and all excuses for you and be happy to support you. Obviously she does not feel this way with her wanting a prenup.

Sounds like her clock is ticking and you are "good enough" to have a kid with. No way she stays long term as she just doesn't have that kind of desire for you. She'll have a kid with you and in 5 years or so will leave to go find a man she really wants to be with.

My advice live within your means, do not get her pregnant, do not marry her, have your fun with her and when you come across a woman who truly desires you move on.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2025-08-20T17:12:25+00:00

Divorce lawyer told me to live with a girl for at least a year before even considering any of that. He’s a really good one so I took it to heart. I’d get a vasectomy until then and see if the loving and caring part is still there.

InevitableHorror1342 · 2025-08-20T15:49:00+00:00

No offense man, but you need to get you back up and running. Women work a good bit differently than we do when it comes to finances. Most aren’t built to provide financially in the long run. The resentment will grow. If you acquiesce, get married again and have another kid, you’re asking for trouble. But by all means, do what you gotta do.

Sam_N_Emmy · 2025-08-20T15:40:35+00:00

If you can’t talk to her directly about finances, you shouldn’t be thinking about marriage. Marriage is about honesty and open communication. This isn’t a great start and probably what would lead to the marriage not working out.

RiseNo3399 · 2025-08-20T15:21:01+00:00

If you got married and divorced again with another kid think about the consequences. Second marriage divorce rates aren’t pleasant.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-08-20T15:16:57+00:00

If marriage is on the table you need to lay out the finances for her. If she's makes 3-4 times as much as you and she doesn't recognize that or offer to take care of some stuff, maybe think what that means long term.

One of the women I'm seeing now makes more than me and she has no issues contributing to things we do. She'll bring nice wine, use her rewards points to score us sweet hotels for travel.

Definitely needs to be brought up and made very clear that you expect her to contribute. You can do a pre-nup but open the books and show her.

Boglehead101 · 2025-08-20T14:55:52+00:00

A friend is in your position, pro rata is the way to go otherwise you just won’t be able to afford the lifestyle.

Title	Money Question
Author	Clear-Ad-8544
Upvotes	3
Comments	31
Date	August 20, 2025 2:03 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1mvfpix/money_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/money-question.1560032 https://theredarchive.com/post/1560032

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