I constantly hear this about friendzoning

xvszero · 2025-04-15T01:07:24+00:00

True in what circumstances? What does friendzoned even mean?

My wife certainly didn't ignore me.

lilchapo97 · 2025-04-15T01:30:57+00:00

For me, there's no such thing as a "friend zone." People either like you like that, or they don't.

The "nice guys" who don't get dates are dudes who make their personality about being nice to women with the expectation that they will be "rewarded" after a while. When those same dudes aren't getting dates or sex as a result, they paint that narrative that women only like "jerks."

It's kind of frustrating to explain because being nice is a good thing and is necessary to form a healthy bond, but that doesn't mean that more nice = more dates.

A lot of dudes confuse that "jerkish" or "nonchalant" as a thing that women are attracted to. And maybe there's some that are, but the big thing I notice there is that that's just confidence being mislabeled that way. Most women DO like confident guys, and that confidence often eclipses a lot of other perceived flaws that guys have about themselves, such as their height or looks.

The nonchalant attitude in this context is likely the fact that the guy is secure enough with himself to be his authentic self. Not trying too hard to impress her or overcompensate for an insecurity he may have. He's just being him. Women love that confidence.

As for the jerkish attitude, in a way that's also confidence. It's not that being an a**hole attracts women. Disagreements are a very human thing, and everyone communicates and interprets things differently. A guy who has firm boundaries isn't going to let someone break them just because he's dealing with a petty woman, and remaining firm with those boundaries can be perceived as "jerkish" by toxic women.

It could also be that some dudes really are just jerks and that doesn't come out until weeks or months into a relationship. But their confidence is what made them initially attractive. A lot of people in relationships don't like to break up so suddenly, it takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to build genuine bonds. So just because she's trying to work things out with a jerk doesn't mean she's attracted to jerks. It could be that she's just trying to work things out and understands that guys are human too and aren't perfect. If he truly is a jerk and the relationship isn't going anywhere after a while, most women will eventually leave them.

Toddison_McCray · 2025-04-15T02:45:37+00:00

Being nice and respectful is not the only thing that goes into attraction. I’ve “friend zoned” a couple of women for the exact same reason. They were really nice and respectful, but there wasn’t anything there spark wise. I’ve also completely written off women who acted nonchalant and non caring for the same reason.

Sea-Respect-4678 · 2025-04-15T00:30:56+00:00

People with low self confidence are going to have tendency to be "friendzoned" more. It takes more than being respectful to get a date. A lot of "nice guys" just don't take the initiative past being a friend because they think it will magically turn romantic.

Tristepine · 2025-04-15T00:33:52+00:00

Instead of berating you. I'll answer and give some advice.

It's not. Are there women that do things that resemble this? Yes. Are they the majority? No. Id say what's actually being observed is the power attraction has to smooth over rough edges. If you observe a "jerk" getting the time of day from a girl you're interested in, he's doing you a favor. You don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't find you attractive. Also, if not completely blinded by your dashing good looks, a woman can suss out a fake man. You want to be kind, yet firm. Have boundaries and be discriminating in who you spend time with. Not for them, but for you. Too many men have made chasing women their reason for being and it's down right pathetic. I'm no Adonis, I'm 38 and fat and can still get the romantic attention of decent looking (to me, taste varies) women. Work on being the best version of yourself and match energy. Do not chase, it's mostly validation. If she likes you, it'll be obvious. And do not listen to redpillers, they partake in self-fullfilling prophecy.

KingKunta2-D · 2025-04-15T00:37:50+00:00

I'll break it down like this as someone with experience. It's antisocial behavior meets bad social skills And awareness.

Boys aren't taught aren't taught how to socialize well in this patriarch society.

Before fourth wave feminism the bar for a man getting into a relationship was extremely low. I'm talking. You don't have to be nice. You just need to be able-bodied and have a secure income And you're married with three kids.

Now that women have more rights and agency that bar has been raised as it should. Now you need to be able-bodied have a stable income AND to be socially and emotionally mature.

We're in a transition. So guys right now think being surface level nice is enough it's not. Or worse they take the dark side and see women as antagonist that they have to trick into dating them.

daisy-duke- · 2025-04-15T00:18:12+00:00

No.

Just look at r/niceguys

Fine-Equivalent-6398 · 2025-04-15T09:29:29+00:00

You know, in my culture, it's considered very bad manners to say you're 'really good' at something, or that you are a really good person. We believe that if you truly are, there's no need to say it yourself—others will speak well of you. But if you're the only one saying it... well, then there's probably a problem.

octave120 · 2025-04-15T14:32:36+00:00

I suspect that the whole “girls like bad boys, not nice guys” trope is more of a product of spotlight fallacy and just-world mindset than anything else.

Nobody cares about the “bad boy” who doesn’t get girls, because why would they? He’s considered a pathetic loser who deserves to be alone. Nobody complains about the nice guy who gets girls, because why should they? He’s considered a great guy who deserves a relationship. It’s only the other two combinations that get a lot of attention, because it challenges people’s just-world mindset.

I do realize that there is a lot of nuance to this topic, such as women liking confidence and nice guys being overly-passive, etc. Just another factor I want to add to this discussion.

Hellarouge · 2025-04-15T16:32:38+00:00

I find jerky behaviour so skin crawling, it’s unreal. There’s not even a fine line. It feels like a subset of men have figured out how to trigger insecurities in people using it as a certainty, forgetting swathes of the world have put those to rest and have no time for their bullshit.

If I made my ability to trigger people’s insecurities in that kind of way the basis for my dating life, I’d probably quickly become very bored and disenchanted by the type of people it worked on and their inevitable anxious attachment style. I don’t get the appeal.

ooa3603 · 2025-04-15T21:12:12+00:00

I think it's possible for some type of romance to have built, but then the other person changes their mind for whatever reason.

If this is what is being referred to as the friendzone, then sure it's a thing that can happen and it sucks when it does.

I think the issue, at least for me is one:

It puts the locus of control on the woman to determine the relationship, when it's really a two-way street, whether it's intended to be romantic or not
Many guys act like a woman has no right to change their mind.
Their understanding of romance is very narrow and transactional, they think being a romantic partner means just accepting whatever BS a woman may throw their way, when the reason the "asshole" is preferred is because they actually impose boundaries when their woman acts a fool. Man or woman, it is in fact attractive to have a partner that can stand up for themselves, even against you. What they see as "asshole", is in fact a normal human being reacting appropriately to BS. But because their understanding of romance is so limited, they don't understand why women aren't attracted to them.

vb2509 · 2025-04-15T20:33:27+00:00

For some, yes. But that is likely due to their own personal issues. Those relationships do not end well most of the time.

It is not always the case though.

My best friend has a crush on me and knows we can't date as she is poly. She even told me she once thought of going monogamous for me but considered it unfair for me. I have been all that you describe with her but I would have been the same no matter what her interest in me is.

We got along as people. We enjoy spending time with each other and have helped each other in our respective skills - she taught me social skills while I taught her whatever I knew about Latin dance (we meet at socials).

Learn to be nice regardless of outcome. There is a huge difference between doing it so she dates you vs that being your very nature.

Sufficient_Ferret367 · 2025-04-15T06:29:51+00:00

Don't be nice, don't act like a badboy. Be authentic

HLMaiBalsychofKorse · 2025-04-15T13:16:54+00:00

First off, friendzoning is not a thing, unless you see being friends with women as some kind of "consolation prize" for not getting laid by them as opposed to...an actual friendship.

THIS line of thinking is why fake "nice guys" have a bad reputation - it's because they act like they want to be friends with a woman in order to try to weasel themselves into her pants, then they get irate at her when she isn't into it.

thenwhat · 2025-04-15T14:49:23+00:00

No.

Of course, there are nuances here. If someone is a pushover with zero personality, being nice alone isn't going to cut it. Get a spine and a personality, and women will respond more to that.

Good manners + loyal + respectful + interesting + funny = good combination. Try to be a good and interesting person, or develop into one. No need to turn into a jerk at all.

Huge-Revolution9177 · 2025-04-15T17:23:06+00:00

In my personal experience as a former "nice guy," I can honestly say women aren't looking for the nice guy. They're looking for a good guy, and yes, they are different.

Assholes often seem to win over the nice guy fir one simple reason, they're more "honest." Yeah they're assholes but they wear it externally, they also tend to be significantly more confident abd charismatic, they also don't out women on a pedestal, a practise that often backfires on "nice guys.

Nice guys tend to not succeed because they're whole intention with a woman is to "get with them" in some fashion, and truth be told, they tend to use some pretty awful psychological tactics to do so, like love bombing.

"Nice guys" and assholes have one big thing in common, they heavily use emotional manipulation, they just deploy different tactics in doing so.

More often than not it's the woman who has an emotional and psychological crash out when the relationship with the asshole ends, and the "Nice Guys" have an emotional and psychological crash out when the relationship never comes to fruition.

So what is a good guy? They're confident, charismatic, friendly, earnest, they can be friends with women without ulterior motives, even if it starred out as interested. They'll lift up their partner while avoiding the pedestal problem.

If a woman gets out of the cycle of dating assholes this is usually the guy she finds. Her friends will hate the asshole, be unsure of the "nice guy," and love the good guy.

bluehorserunning · 2025-04-17T22:47:03+00:00

Friendzoning is the male term for fuckzoning, when a man pretends to be a woman’s friend, gets her time and support and companionship, but actually just wants to get into her pants and doesn’t actually care about her as a person.

CosmicCalicoBTD · 2025-04-18T09:31:15+00:00

This stuff is so stupid.

What the hell is wrong with having friends?

If you don't match and you make a friend, it's still a benefit.

I don't believe in the friend zone bullshit. I want friends too. 🙅‍♂️

Pantone711 · 2025-04-15T16:05:37+00:00

A person needs to be effectual. Effectual does not equal “nice” or “jerk.”. Is there something the person is good at (video games don’t count in large part because they don’t have an effect on the world). Is there something the person is good at that commands respect and shows promise in a way their target person would find appealing? I knew a shy guy who could hardly hold a conversation and became a tour guide at a museum centered around a common intetest. bam he met someone immediately because she was interested in that subject and he showed some oomph in that subject. Effectualness=oomph but not just toward inward pursuits. maybe oomph plus worldly-wisdom. Worldly-wisdom is a plus. You can be nice and have worldly-wisdom or a jerk and have it.

Too often “nice guy” is used to describe a lack of effectualness or worldly wisdom or personality. It’s the ansence of those traits that hold the guy back, not the niceness.

rizzo1717 · 2025-04-15T20:48:44+00:00

This narrative was made up by men who only feign respect to try to get their dicks wet. Aka, jerks.

ditasaurus · 2025-04-16T15:54:11+00:00

People who are nice, but don't make their intetions clear, go to the "friendzone"

If a woman doesn't know that you are interested in her and you are nice to her, she will file you as a friend.

As I hope men do(?)

If you are a jerk nobody wants to be friends with you, people will only be able to endure you if they have feelings for you.

SgrVnm · 2025-04-19T12:39:48+00:00

99% of the time friend zone = the person isn’t attracted to you. That can grow over time but if you’re friend zoned after enough time then she’s not physically into you. This had been the consensus among every woman I’ve ever spoken to about this.

There’s no amount of “treating women respectfully, like equals & loyally” that would make any woman pass up on prime Brad Pitt.

Think about it - there’s no better foundation for a relationship than being great friends with loyalty & respect… if it doesn’t progress from friend to romantic interest then the missing ingredient is physical attraction. I speak from experience.

If you find yourself in this situation then cut your losses and exit the dynamic.

I also do not agree with “once someone learns a few things about you, they quickly decide that you’re not relationship material … banishes romantic thoughts of you”. I haven’t seen this. I’ve seen women get into relationships with complete scoundrels because they “have friendship history” & find him attractive in some form. Attraction & lust or “chemistry” will override the logical side of you thinking “on paper this person isn’t a great deal for me in the long run.”

Tl;dr: It’s mostly lack of attraction.

Proudwomanengineer · 2025-05-04T07:27:16+00:00

I will say that I have friendzoned guys before, but that was because I really didn't want a relationship at the time. However, jerks would try to talk to me all the time and I would ignore them because they made me uncomfortable.

Think_Travel5752 · 2025-04-15T14:06:21+00:00

Lol even some bad boys get friend-zoned it all depends on the girl

Bonkersgamergirl · 2025-04-15T01:44:05+00:00

I’m not gonna lie, most women do fa for those assholes. However there’s plenty of women who will pick the nice guy.

Title	I constantly hear this about friendzoning
Author	Nikofeelan
Upvotes	11
Comments	42
Date	April 15, 2025 12:10 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1jze4g6/i_constantly_hear_this_about_friendzoning/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/i-constantly-hear-this-about-friendzoning.1549615 https://theredarchive.com/post/1549615

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