I was just thinking about the biggest scrotes I’ve dated at the height of my pickmeisha days (I’m in my late 20s and have only dated men my age or a couple of years older, for reference).

I noticed an interesting choice was common among them:

turning on read receipts.

As in, they did not have read receipts on when I first started talking to them but at some point during our “courtship” they would turn them on.

It was usually done when they were still replying regularly/enthusiastically and would remain on even when the texting was beginning to drop off on their end.

I noticed that this tactic caused me weird anxiety. I’d talk to a guy for some time and feel good about our rapport (pre-FDS obviously). Then when he would turn his read receipts on, at some point after those few weeks, and even though I’d have no reason to wonder if he would text me back because he always did, I’d start to get anxious that he might not. I’d be glued to my phone more, waiting to see that receipt pop up and then I’d start hoping for an immediate reply. If there wasn’t one, I’d be sick with anxiety.

This in contrast to my feelings/behaviours prior to a man turning on read receipts: I would consider him only occasionally, be pleased when he texted but not obsessed, and not stay on my phone constantly.

If he was happy with me or wanted me to feel like he was interested in me that day, the gap between reading my text and replying would be small. If he wasn’t happy with me, and uninterested on that particular day, he would read the text and not reply OR not open my messages at all (on purpose) for days — which I will emphasize is the text version of STONEWALLING which is not to be confused with ghosting.

It’s like the first step in an an abuser’s implement of a reward system. It gets you used to, in a subtle way, vying for his attention and approval by playing with your expectations re: communication.

I would have men who do this not reply to me for days (sometimes having read my texts sometimes not) and tell me I was being overly sensitive because they just “didn’t want to talk/reply/busy” etc.

And YET they never turned off their read receipts once they turned them on, even though it very obviously created tension. One of the main reasons is that it is also a very subtle way to enforce the power dynamic. One of you is reaching out. The other is showing you that they have all the power and agency to reply to you, or not, depending on how they feel or what THEY want in that moment.

It is in no way any of the following:

  • a sign of affection (ie. “I want you to know when I’ve read stuff so you know I care”)
  • a gesture of stability (“I’m transparent so that you always know what’s going on with me”)
  • romantic (“I’m really busy but I just want you to know when I see stuff so that you don’t feel like I’m completely off the radar”)

In my experience, it is really always the first sign of a mental/emotional abuser who will gaslight you, ignore you, diminish your needs, be self absorbed and EXTREMELY manipulative.

If you’re following FDS down to the letter, this is easier to avoid as you ideally won’t be communicating that much and have an eagle eye on ALL behaviours, but it is still something to watch out for.

In short, ladies... if he turns his read receipts on after meeting you/texting with you even briefly ... run so fast in the other direction that there’s only a “you” shaped dust cloud left behind.

Throw 👏 the 👏 whole 👏 man 👏 away!

Because believe me, there’s no situation in which it is ever a green flag — only red flags, through and THROUGH.

EDIT:

to clarify: I am NOT referencing WhatsApp. I am talking ONLY about iPhones.