Advice for grey rocking/not responding/not entertaining LV people that you can’t avoid and/or just anytime an LV person comes your way?

2340000 · 2021-11-22T21:32:30+00:00

(1) First, you can't be healthy in a toxic environment. Always plan to leave eventually.

(2) If you can, wait before replying. Minutes, hours, whatever.

Start using conversational platitudes. My boss likes to neg me - so my response to anything he says is "sounds good". I never go into my specifics about my life. I only ask work-related questions. I deflect any personal questions with work-related questions.

Most importantly, detach! Don't let the situation control you. Don't be fearful of losing the relationship, the job, etc.

Remember to be kind to yourself because it's impossible not to care/let it affect you. So schedule times to vent (in private) and schedule times to grayrock (in public)

samedinuitmort · 2021-11-22T22:16:26+00:00

If you are stuck in a face-to-face situation, here’s how I deal with it:

(This may sound horrible and I apologize in advance)

Treat them like they have dementia (or another mental issue that can cause difficult behaviour).

Know you are in an entirely different plane of reality than they are, and that they can’t help it. Feel sorry even. Then treat them with fake kindness, play dumb and answer things like “oh really? I didn’t know that!” when they say crazy things. If they insult you to your face - like if I play dumb about some political thing and a family member says I’m “stupid and ignorant and should know about this”, I once again deal with them like they have dementia: “That’s true, I should”. That might result in them giving you the name of some insane website that you should read. Say “I will, thank you”.

Basically act like a man playing dumb because he doesn’t want to make an effort.

Leave the interaction and delete everything from your memory. Blank slate, breathe deep, go practice some self care and interact with intelligent life.

It doesn’t matter what LV people think of you. Just spare your energy and stay sane through any unavoidable encounters.

GabbaG0ul · 2021-11-22T23:00:13+00:00

Grey rocking is a term used for dealing with narcissists. The idea is to blend into the background. So, full silent treatment isn’t blending into the background. It’s actually antagonizing. You don’t want them to know you have a problem with them. You want them to think you are a neutral person in the background that needs no further consideration. Any engagement should be short and business as usual. You don’t want to express strong opinions on anything with them. Remain stoic and brief in all interactions. And most importantly NEVER GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION!

Don’t be discouraged if you mess up. It is actually a skill and it takes a while to learn. Something that helped me in the beginning was imagining them saying something that would enrage me, then learning to control my reaction to it.

Platipus6 · 2021-11-22T23:32:18+00:00

Give inappropriate emotional responses. It messes up their script, they don't get their supply and they'll choose to leave you alone.

eg He brags about an accomplishment, feign sympathy as if he told you his grandmother died, gently pat his arm and say "I'm sorry to hear that, how are you holding up?". Act like nothing is wrong.

He complains about something terrible, giggle delightedly as if he told a nice joke. "Oh you're so funny :)"

Stare. Just stare with a pleasant face. Check out Jodi Arias for how she's consumed with having a pleasant face on. It's unnerving.

Novemberinthechair · 2021-11-22T22:21:31+00:00

You can't control the weather, and can't control other people's behavior.

Make jokes and refuse to take whatever garbage they're putting out seriously. Be glib. Shrug a lot. Get used to saying things like, "Ok, whatever." Refuse to take them seriously then play dumb about not taking them seriously.

CroneRaisedMaiden · 2021-11-22T23:00:50+00:00

DBT skills: dialectical behavioral therapy has proven to be a core foundation in my life. Distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, emotional regulation. DBT was started for ppl with BPD, that’s not in my diagnosis but it’s helped me professionally for years now. Highly recommend learning some of the skills like asking for what you need out of an interaction without giving away your self respect.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-11-22T21:28:23+00:00

I play dumb. These types can’t get very far if I act like I have no idea what they’re talking about. Example: I had a coworker who, in his words, “likes to debate politics.” This was code for wanting to scream at anyone who doesn’t think like he does because clearly they’re idiots, unlike him. So I reacted to him as if anything outside of a Facebook quiz was too much for me to process. lol he left me alone real quick when I said, “I don’t know a lot about the presidential candidates, but did you know you can accurately tell someone’s astrological profile based on which Hogwarts house they’re sorted into?! I took a quiz on Facebook and it was soooooo accurate it’s scary!”

scorchedsouI · 2021-11-23T15:49:14+00:00

Start reading books on radical feminism. No, seriously. The issue you have is strictly psychological, it's a matter of mindset and no amount of objective advice will actually help you if you don't become a master of yourself first.

Reading radical feminist theory is an excellent way to just stop giving a shit altogether. The degree of knowledge and understanding that it brings you, the degree of power, it makes all these things meaningless. It makes individuals that you cognitively recognize are meaningless have no effect on your psyche and emotional state.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-11-22T23:45:40+00:00

I would push back and question why you feel you can’t walk away?

Walking away is the best strategy, since toxic environments are unsustainable. Limit expodure to less than an hour: Go to your room, go outside, go for an errand, etc.

If I have to be there I enjoy antagonizing abusive narcs by publicly ignoring them, making fun of them, etc, because they should face repercussions. That’s not greyrocking, as was said here. More like a mirror… What can I say. It gives me joy! Narcs only get to me when I can’t identify them. Once I know- I’m ruthless. But being surrounded by ppl like that would make me a horrible person.

Ultimately, I prefer to cut-off the entire social circle. Any circle that allows a narc to be there is bad for your mental health, and you’re only as strong as your circle. I do find it easy to build new ones, tho. With family I don’t do this, btw. I just take breaks.

kantarra · 2021-11-23T00:44:01+00:00

There are two ways of doing this. The first is safe and usually works well. Be as bland and boring as you can! Never contribute to the conversation, just reply with neutral comments like "Oh, Really?" "Interesting" "that's nice".

This approach doesn't work well with guys who love to hear themselves talk. With those, I've found it effective to talk over them and interrupt them as much as possible. Make it all about you. It's a bit stressful but I've found it effective.

Most of the time, just not engaging or engaging with the most minimal effort is the most effective I've found. Annoying- yes, but very safe. At worst you'll develop a reputation for being a bit boring.

pathalienation · 2021-11-23T13:03:49+00:00

“You might be right.” - said like you mean it, but with little emotion

Title	Advice for grey rocking/not responding/not entertaining LV people that you can’t avoid and/or just anytime an LV person comes your way?
Author	abby_ch238
Upvotes	160
Comments	30
Date	November 22, 2021 9:19 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qzw59p/advice_for_grey_rockingnot_respondingnot/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/advice-for-grey-rockingnot-respondingnot.1087096 https://theredarchive.com/post/1087096

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