By pitying your abuser, you do a disservice to yourself & your healing. Don't bother doing it.

circescircus · 2020-06-21T13:53:21+00:00

If you love yourself you won't feel pity for people who treat you badly, let alone for people who abuse you.

Cherry-Garcia- · 2020-06-21T16:04:24+00:00

I’ve always thought the whole telling women to forgive their abusers is a crock of shit. Remembering abuse and not forgiving are sometimes the only things that keep you safe from being abused again. By all means heal from your trauma and move on but no need to forgive your abuser just focus on yourself. They are the ones responsible for mending themselves.

farevvell · 2020-06-21T13:45:05+00:00

YES. Thank you for posting this.

It also completely invalidates the pain that I went through. I deserve to be treated right, NO EXCEPTIONS. 💪

Neorago · 2020-06-21T14:11:39+00:00

Pity is the exact reason I got into a relationship with an abuser and stayed!!

Trinityblue93 · 2020-06-21T14:48:41+00:00

And people always that we need to pity the abuser because 'they had a rough up brining." When they need to understand that a shitty past doesn't excuse a shitty present.

missliberia · 2020-06-21T14:13:00+00:00

I cannot talk to anyone about past traumas because of what folks think a conversation is these days. A conversation is one where folks act confused like they do not comprehend basic American English. Then there are the folks who want to point out the “other side” or the devils advocates. It is so damn tiring.

SailorVampire · 2020-06-21T13:58:26+00:00

[deleted]

helljess86 · 2020-06-21T22:18:00+00:00

Thank you. I really needed it.

My abusive ex contacted me this last week, saying his dad passed away and he broke his leg. I was starting to feel bad for him.

BetterToBeLonely · 2020-06-21T18:31:13+00:00

I need to print this, laminate it, and tape it to my mirror. With every step I take to get away from my STBXH and get myself out of this situation, I just feel so much profound guilt.

starsheepie · 2020-06-22T00:10:22+00:00

Disclaimer I will add after having read through all of the comments: I am a former foster youth & went through a ton of abuse & neglect growing up, but I don't use my dark past to hurt others. I love myself through establishing strong boundaries & not tolerating toxic, destructive behaviors from others that are detrimental to my wellbeing.

I am a huge empath, but I understand that toxic people/abusers usually have no remorse for their actions, think they've done nothing wrong, purposely try to manipulate their victims, use every excuse in the book to hurt you or stay in denial. Therefore, I don't have empathy for anyone who hurts others over & over again, because they have no empathy or compassion for anyone but themselves.

I'm also a Therapist, & I've been in Therapy for over a decade myself. Luckily, none of my Therapists have ever encouraged me to forgive my abusers, nor would I ever force this rhetoric on any of my own clients. Instead, they motivated me to enforce healthy boundaries, disengage from conflict, keep my distance from toxic people or cut them off if necessary, & promoted my healing & growth. You can learn from your pain & turn it into a purpose.

So that's why pitying abusers does no good. And loving yourself is knowing your worth & that you deseve better. Pitying them will never make them change. They have to want to change, recognize the pain they've caused others, & learn how to love themselves & gain empathy for others in order to stop.

MakingBadDecisions · 2020-06-21T14:46:20+00:00

Nope. Toxic people don't always know what they're doing. My abuser genuinely believes that he's being victimized by me as he tells me I'm a useless and unfit mother.

BabaAuRhumOhlala · 2020-06-21T23:20:11+00:00

I cant help but to feel pity and sorry for them. Too much of an empath. The emotions form and won’t stop forming in my chest. It’s a weird feeling. However, I can control my actions and not react upon my emotions. It helps a lot when you study behavioral patterns.

Title	By pitying your abuser, you do a disservice to yourself & your healing. Don't bother doing it.
Author	starsheepie
Upvotes	441
Comments	37
Date	June 21, 2020 12:48 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hd6eis/by_pitying_your_abuser_you_do_a_disservice_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/by-pitying-your-abuser-you-do-a-disservice-to.695902 https://theredarchive.com/post/695902

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