Coffee dates

turquoiseblues · 2020-01-28T07:01:51+00:00

I think coffee dates are fine for the first meeting. It’s a matter of safety and comfort for the woman, because it’s much easier to exit than being locked into a 90-minute dinner. I think of it as “date zero.” You’re just meeting. You won’t even have the first date unless you like each other. The first “real” date can be dinner (or whatever). I don’t recommend drinking alcohol at all.

What’s even more convenient is a 15- to 20-minute phone screening so you don’t even have to leave the house. (The sound of his voice is important to me.) Use a fake number like Google Voice or Burner app.

FDS is really about what works best for you, not a set formula. The guy should conform to what you need and want, not the other way around. That’s the premise of FDS.

popfriday · 2020-01-28T07:04:14+00:00

Honestly just do what you want in college as long as he treats you very very well and doesn’t take you for granted.

Personally, by the time I was 19 I was already implying FDS, but I don’t see much wrong with dating in a low key way in your age range.

Once you graduate and start your career, you’ll probably crave a man who knows how to court you properly. FDS is take what you need. Know your worth and don’t be taken advantage of. But also know yourself and if you’re in a low key dating mood own that shit. But do some introspection to find out if you’re actually low key or if your leaning into pick me tendencies (“I don’t want to inconvenience him! If we go to dinner I owe him sex! NAH sis. Never that.)

I do fear that younger girls on this sub mistake HVM for meaning rich. I’d much rather a younger girl do coffee dates with a very sweet, very well meaning genuine age appropriate dude than some rich asshole who knows he can impress an 18 year old by dropping $50 at Cheesecake Factory, leaving her feeling like she can never do better and owes him her adoration. Yack.

High school and college are very impressionable stages for young women. Older men with a bit of cash can easily manipulate girls at this age with their money and resources.

This is the time you focus on learning how to have high standards and to only entertain men who are doing their absolute best. This is where you hone in your vetting skills. BUT please never, under any circumstances, feel that a man paying for your meal or coffee equates sex. Go to a coffee shop and keep it casual if you want, but let him pay and don’t feel bad about it.

If a man takes you on a date and expects sex, just block him. That’s true when you’re 16. 25, 50 and 92. Also I’ve called and FaceTimed with guys I haven’t been sure about in the past and that’s saved me loads of time / gave me reassurance a full blown date was worth it.

Do things because YOU want to. Not cause you’re afraid of giving the guy the “wrong impression”. Fuck them. Have your own transportation and money for emergencies. Share your location with a friend and have fun!

Ka_Tetof99 · 2020-01-28T06:51:58+00:00

I know coffee dates are against FDS but when I was single I liked to do the same thing. Having an easy out for the pre-date was essential for me to feel safe; the important part, IMO, is the effort they put in after. Do they text and call? Do they set up the next date(s)? Do they give off green flags and good vibes? That’s my personal benchmark to go by.

Aeshaunua · 2020-01-28T13:39:32+00:00

I get asked on coffee dates all the time, thing is I DON'T drink coffee. The smell is very off-putting so I avoid places that only sell coffee like the plague.

When you tell a man you don't do coffee dates, I get some wild responses... I've been cursed and told off for trying to get a "free meal" on way more occasions then I care to admit... 😂 It's like these men can't think of anything else? Ice cream, smoothies, shoot even a cookie or cupcake spot. But I use it to filter the entitled assholes that get aggravated for any little thing 👍🏽

finalbosskitten · 2020-01-28T07:09:59+00:00

I see the beauty. Eating can get awkward and just sipping a hot, or chill drink and relaxing in some hipster containment center seems cute--can pave the way more for conversation. Dinner is relatively high commitment. Higher risk, higher reward...though it also puts the man more in the position of wanting to impress which might sound good on paper but might just end up with him misrepresenting himself more. Maybe guys would act more "natural" during coffee dates as maybe to them there's "less to lose"? Next best thing to seeing how a man is in his natural habitat+with other people (i.e., friends, coworkers, conflicts or stressful situations, etc.).

Do what makes you feel safe.

janeaustenfan99 · 2020-01-28T14:06:21+00:00

I've had first coffee dates and first dinner dates. There is no difference in the outcome, if a guy just wants sex or is a jerk the first date choice doesn't matter.

ny-lady · 2020-01-28T11:53:59+00:00

Im for a pre coffee meet or the like.

I dont want to waste my own time sitting through a dinner/extensive date with a man Ive never met. How one is in chat may be a totally different in person. Now Im stuck trying to get through a dinner with a man I have no interest in...

I only do dinners/dates with men Ive already met.

To add, I dont consider the meet a date, its just a meet and then we can go further/go on a date or you dont.

purasangria · 2020-01-28T12:57:01+00:00

Best way to have a pre-date is to get on a phone or video call with them. That way you know if he's fat, boring, or both.

If he likes you, he'll ask you out on a proper date. If not you didn't waste your time.

siberiansummer · 2020-01-28T14:47:12+00:00

Idk to me they are a total waste of time. Also, I’ve been on at least a 100 first dinner dates with people I just met and nobody has said to me: “I’m entitled to sex because I bought you dinner”. If anything they start hinting before the actual date. If he is messaging sexual stuff prior to a date - you shouldn’t go! Coffee, walk, dinner - don’t matter! To me if I choose to go on a date it’s usually with someone who I already have a decent conversation through messages so I know we have things in common. Also, I’m super outgoing so to me I don’t fear awkwardness. And honestly every woman should work on being a good conversationalist, it helps me tremendously in my day to day life, but it comes with practice so you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone

Evil_Rao · 2020-01-28T10:38:59+00:00

I feel like this is the one FDS rule that is questionable depending on your age/cultural background. In my country dinner dates are extremely rare if you're seeing someone for the first time (especially if you met online) so it's always either coffee or drink dates. I always pick coffee because it's safer.

Amy3e13 · 2020-01-28T18:50:30+00:00

Let them feel entitled then, that's not your problem. If he feels like you owe him for one dinner he sees you as nothing more than a cheap prostiture. Drop him immediately.

And going Dutch will not only not stop men from feeling entitled to you, you won't be able to filter effectively against LVM. Since you happily paid 50% of the date they will see you as a bargain priced woman they can use to extract resources from. "Hey, this one even pays for herself. She must really want me. Let's see what else I can get her to do for me."

And even a student can save up enough money to take a woman out he really likes. UNLESS he is dating multiple women at once and you are just one of many. I've even seen 15 year olds save up their allowance to take a girl out. No excuses for LVM.

You are worth more than that!!!

usernamewhichisfree · 2020-01-28T11:08:16+00:00

I like coffee dates. I know it's against the rule but when I met my now boyfriend we also just were drinking something together and then walked a bit. (We talked a lot, had a connection and later on the day decided to eat something together) I know people call that "low effort date" but I don't see the point in going to dinner dates I myself don't even like. Just do whatever makes you comfortable. My bf is a HVM, so coffee date doesn't mean automatically you are meeting a LVM.

surviveIIthrive · 2020-01-28T17:00:52+00:00

I think this question of to coffee date or not to coffee date is a red herring. The fact is that a significant number of the men you meet online are acting in bad faith! THAT, ladies, is the crux of the issue. And yeah you can phone screen, you can go on a coffee date, or you can go on a dinner date, in the end the whole thing is tainted because the guy is acting in bad faith, so what difference does it make? It's a waste of your time, period! OLD is full of anti-social, low value, creepy, predatory men. It was never created to foster healthy long term relationships. It's the fast food of dating. The drive-thru. I don't have all the answers but I know that OLD is not the answer!

ETA: This excuse that the men you meet online are the same men you meet in real life is also another red herring. And it misses the point entirely. You can size up men a whole lot faster in real life than you can online. In real life, you have some kind of context that helps guide your instincts. What you're doing online is tantamount to going to a coffee date with every cat caller on the street.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2020-01-28T15:28:44+00:00

To each their own. If you’d like a coffee date, make sure he takes you to a nice place, not just your local Starbucks.

I just finished school too, but if a guy asked me out for coffee I’d assume that he wants to network. No joke. I’ve never been on a coffee date and never will be.

azngirl7689 · 2020-01-28T13:50:47+00:00

Honestly I’m cool with coffee and walk dates for first dates and chill low key lazy dates. Not every date has to be a production you know? I know FDS doesn’t like them but I’ve had good luck.

honestgoing · 2020-01-28T16:17:22+00:00

Reasonable perspective.

Title	Coffee dates
Author	throwawayrandomqs
Upvotes	64
Comments	28
Date	January 28, 2020 6:46 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ev1ylk/coffee_dates/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/coffee-dates.683833 https://theredarchive.com/post/683833

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