Correct me if I’m wrong.. but isn’t this like textbook definition of a “pick me”? Was my advice really that terrible?

AyemHerself · 2020-12-04T03:44:39+00:00

I think you're right, but I really hate seeing people called pickmes to their faces. It does nothing but alienate them and put them on the defensive. Her reaction is not a surprise.

BasieSkanks · 2020-12-04T06:17:10+00:00

If she was as nice as she thinks, she wouldn’t be so upset that she didn’t get the outcome she wanted. I am a typical people pleaser, but when I realised that I was doing things for other people to try and get a certain response from them, I put an end to it. That’s not nice or kind behaviour - it’s manipulation. When I started erecting boundaries and standing up for myself when necessary, I not only became more authentic, but I also noticed that the right people responded better. Nobody respects a doormat.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2020-12-04T03:55:11+00:00

This martyr personality type is literally the worst. I’d rather deal with a blatant, flaming asshole than these martyrs. I can’t believe the unwarranted shade she threw at you, “sorry you tried to be someone you’re NOT” like fucking excuse me?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-12-04T02:31:07+00:00

I get treated like shit and used because I'm a pushover.

...

Hey, don't call me a pushover. I'm nice and care about people, unlike you, shrew!

Her son is going to be a monster who never grows up.

Fresh-Presentation76 · 2020-12-04T02:28:44+00:00

I think outside of FDS "pick me" is a more narrow term and is mostly a term used to call women out for being "not like other girls" or throwing other women under the bus.

Your advice is spot on and generous, I hope she can get out of her pickme loop.

gutsandgorey · 2020-12-04T07:21:48+00:00

I agree with others that pickme is not a very diplomatic word. People have very emotional reactions to it and disregard everything else we say. There's an impression that FDS hates pickmes which is extrapolated into FDS hates women with different opinions.

We don't hate pickmes, we were one once and we don't blame most of them. We discuss and criticize the actions but not the person. It does not come from a place of hatred or malice.

RojavaLover · 2020-12-04T03:40:16+00:00

Being nice and catering to everyone is a flaw. You should only be that way when the situation warrants it and the person in question deserves it or is a vulnerable person i.e dependent, elderly, young, disabled - even some of these groups come with their limitations.

People who are needlessly nice and always doting on others are annoying and 99% of the time, they have some other intentions unless they are Jesus or Buddha - which they're most likely not.

If it were so natural for her, she wouldn't be so salty about her 'niceness' not achieving her, her desired results. She is trying to manipulate him into caring for her and he senses her desperation and so the walls go up higher.

I just watched a video someone posted on here by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - she makes an excellent point about the pressures of gender and how it has made pretence an art form amongst women because we are so desperate to prove ourselves.

That woman needs an intense education. I don't know how it will happen but I will pray for her and all women like her caught in a pretence.

Jiou112 · 2020-12-04T07:29:04+00:00

Yeah.. I am sure if someone called me a pickme before I did the first time, I would not have accepted it. I honestly would have written off anything they said as condescending. Like the rule, you aren't supposed to tell the crazy person that they are crazy. Your advice is so spot on but I'm sure she stopped reading as soon as she felt she had been called a name, no matter how right it was. Tough love is important, but not if they can't see the love part. Then you're just tough.

thinktwiceorelse · 2020-12-04T12:34:50+00:00

Majority of people think that nice person=no boundaries. Being nice isn't the same thing as being dumb. Like, would you drink a spoiled milk if you knew it was spoiled and then cry about it? I don't think so. Yet people do this within their relationships all the time.

PinkFurLookinLikeCam · 2020-12-04T12:42:27+00:00

The best thing I ever did for friendships was to stop being a pick me friend. I started meeting friends who respect me, reply to my texts, and are on time for meet ups. Just don’t be a pick-me in life for anything.

azureangel35 · 2020-12-04T02:26:47+00:00

even if she didn't get it (she will, eventually, after wasting more years putting everyone else first) I needed to read that rn so thanks :)

FDSxMuffinVSrat · 2020-12-04T11:52:44+00:00

At a certain point it's the equivalent of a "nice guy"

"I cooked for him, why won't be talk to me? I did so much for him, don't I deserve to be loved back?"

No. He doesn't owe you anything, you can't manufacture love from good intentions. He doesn't want you. So don't put the effort in him.

ifragbunniez · 2020-12-04T16:47:59+00:00

How do you change as a martyr type? Is that in HB and I missed it?

elvn-elvn · 2020-12-04T03:41:01+00:00

I think a lot of us who have converted to FDS have been there, this all sounds overly familiar to me. I think this post and the kind of sentiments she’s expressing are the opposite extreme reaction to what we talk about here—she understands that partners are being shitty and not meeting her needs, so she just wants to give up and be okay with that rather than make a big change. I’ve certainly been there.

Even as I get further and further into FDS, it can feel overwhelming to try and navigate this kind of approach when you’re been ~the nurturing caring loving person by nature~ and that’s been a huge part of your identity for most of your life. I was ready for this message and it’s still challenging for me, so I can imagine how reactive and defensive it could make her feel when she’s so deep on the other end?

I feel for her, but she has to reach the conclusion that she needs boundaries, that she’s allowed to ask for fair treatment, being a loving and nurturing person does not mean that you have to stay in a relationship or friendship when the other person isn’t treating you well or even just isn’t doing enough for you, and she’s gotta reach it on her own. You did your best!

2020-12-04T03:57:58+00:00

[permanently deleted]

gingerwabisabi · 2020-12-04T04:36:41+00:00

I think your mistake was calling her a pick me - using jargon outside of the group is likely to lead to misunderstandings, and also people dislike feeling "accused" of anything when asking for advice. Otherwise yeah, very accurate. I think one of the biggest things martyr types need to learn is how easy and wonderful it feels to do nice things for people - who then do nice things BACK for you. It's really lovely.

Title	Correct me if I’m wrong.. but isn’t this like textbook definition of a “pick me”? Was my advice really that terrible?
Author	kittykittywoofwoof
Upvotes	103
Comments	34
Date	December 4, 2020 2:16 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k6bny4/correct_me_if_im_wrong_but_isnt_this_like/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/correct-me-if-im-wrong-but-isnt-this-like-textbook.1193410 https://theredarchive.com/post/1193410

Comments