Context: I first downloaded a dating app in college back in 2015. Since then, I have been on and off dating apps over the past few years and have been in brief relationships. There are times when I'm feeling either too guarded or being too much after connecting with someone from a dating app. I notice that I have lost a lot of interest in dating due to the string of bad experiences, but there's a part of me that's still a hopeful romantic. Also, I have experienced a handful of weird ghosting behavior from some men in the SF Bay Area. I noticed that quite a few of them will reach out to me months or even years later to reconnect again. I suppose I didn't know how much to invest in a potential connection. Although I am confused when that happens, I have no hard feelings and accepted ghosting as normal behavior. Perhaps, the men matured a bit and felt bad for ghosting me like they had in the past. Even a guy I've only met up with for brunch reminded me that any guy would be lucky to be with me. I think I tend to go with the flow and follow a guy's lead, so I prefer someone who is equally involved in planning a date. Sometimes those matches on dating apps led to great conversations and friendships. I don't regret those types of conversations turned friendships.

Realizations: One of my friends said that I'm not a lazy dater, but I like to be taken care of and respected as a person with feelings. Therapy has definitely helped me see that perhaps the men I have met through dating apps haven't treated me with the respect I deserve. My friends have reiterated that I deserve so much better. I'm worried I have become jaded as I worry that I'm too much, too honest, too open, and too patient. I don't want to become pessimistic after being blindsided and love-bombed with sweet words. My best friend made a good point about feeling frustrated as she watches me go through cycles with disappointing men. I'm acutely aware of the power of language and realize I feel very uncomfortable when men continually use "girl" in their speech. I've met quite a handful of late 20-something-year-old men with Peter Pan Syndrome looking for something convenient.

In the past year, I redownloaded dating apps on and off mostly due to social pressure to be with someone in my "prime" mid-20s. While my heart gets a bit wounded and disappointed, I'm an open book and love to love. At my age, I don't think have the patience or energy to heal men and be in a disposable rebound relationship for those not over their exes. They're not bad people, but I don't want to cry over self-serving men. Even though the pandemic had made me more hesitant with meeting up with matches, the pandemic allowed me to think more about non-negotiable values and acceptable behaviors in a potential partner. I realize that I would rather spend my time doing solo activities like reading books, taking classes, and creative writing. When I spend a weekend dating myself, I like to visit museums, buy myself flowers, and enjoy reading a good book with a cup of tea. The right person will enjoy wholesome activities and trying new experiences with me. Doing these sorts of things for myself has made me realize that it's not worth waiting for someone to experience these types of romantic things when I can do this on my own.

Deleting Apps: After taking some time to reflect and talk to friends, I deleted the actual dating profile accounts instead of temporarily putting my accounts on pause or deleted apps off the phone. I also decided to remove social media platforms from my phone to mute the noise around me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being jinxed when guys tell me that they hope that I find someone great. I suppose deleting the accounts instead of pausing sounds abrupt, but I was starting to get sick of men searching for a "foster" girlfriend and looking for idealized happiness within someone else. As I reflect on the dating app experiences, I don't think I've been able to develop genuine romantic love with someone I met via a dating app. I've come to learn that true happiness is found within yourself. I'm completely backing off to really focus on myself. As a shy awkward millennial, I'm not sure how long this intentional break away from dating apps will last. A part of me is wondering how I would meet someone genuine outside of dating apps. Though, this time around, I'm not sure if I ever want to go back to dating apps after this break.

TL;DR - Deleted dating apps because I've become too jaded and decided that I can treat myself better.