I know FDS does not support crushes. I understood why in theory, but as someone who tends to let her emotions run away with her I knew this would be my uphill battle. Here’s my journey to realising why, in case anyone can learn something from this, or needs a reminder about why FDS is the way to avoid wasting your time or emotions on a dead-end situation.

I had a crush on a coworker. Successful, charming, powerful, seemingly interested. He initiated contact, brought me chocolate and candy, initiated many coffees in the office, told me jokes to make me laugh, complimented my outfits, my lipstick, flirted respectfully, teased me softly, showed some mate guarding behaviours around other single male colleagues, shared personal information, publicly indicated interest in me in the office, ticked ALL the body language boxes that indicate attraction. I could go on.

But today I finally realised it’s going no-where and I need to redirect resources PRONTO. What made this crystal clear?

  1. I suggested coffee over a month ago (I know, forgive me I’m learning), and while he said he’d ‘love to’ he never chased it up. However, all aforementioned “false positive” behaviours continued.

  2. He has not asked me on a date, despite daily interactions and ample opportunities. We’re friendly, we joke and chat often, he’s confident. There is no excuse.

  3. Except for casually suggesting coffee I have mostly matched his energy and investment. He pulls back and acts cool? So do I. He’s too busy to talk? So am I. He stops smiling and greeting me? Neither do I. However, I recognised a pattern whereby he would respond to me pulling back by a grand gesture, seeking me out, re-engaging. I took this as interest...but the key here is inconsistency. I’ll elaborate later.

  4. He acts differently if certain people are around, or makes an attempt to show he’s friendly with other women or colleagues when I’m nearby. This is a type of situational gaslighting. He’s not flirting with me, he’s like this with everyone, see?

  5. Despite MANY conversations he rarely asked me specific questions about myself. However, he talked about himself quite often. I took this as an opportunity to listen and observe, and initially thought it might be a good indication he was trying to impress me. It’s not.

  6. Sometimes interactions felt like a dance, a competition of sorts, like he was dancing around an invisible threshold of propriety or how much he wanted to reveal. I thought he was nervous or not sure if I was interested, I made sure to indicate interest by my responses to his actions...but this continued.

  7. Then something magic happened. Because I’ve been investing in myself, my confidence, my self esteem, my fitness, my work, and largely keeping this flirtation on the periphery (after an initial period of obsessing over him), more men are noticing me, and approaching me at work. Girls, he noticed, and did his usual re-engage schtick...

BUT today I introduced myself to a new man in the office who started a few weeks ago. Ladies, let me TELL YOU. He was nervous...he looked at my lips and also checked my ring finger WITHIN SECONDS of us talking. He asked me about myself, his body language was engaging and he wasn’t paying attention to anything else while we spoke. Something about his demeanour made me feel like the DAMN PRIZE! In 5 minutes he more clearly indicated interest than the guy I’ve been crushing on. He’s younger, in a more junior role, and less of a social hustler than Mr Crush...but that’s all it took for me to realise that a man can tick boxes and it means nothing if he can’t make you feel how he values you, not just how he’s attracted to you.

So what’s Mr Crush’s deal? Here’s my break down:

  1. He finds me attractive, hence all the positive body language.

  2. He enjoys the attention he gets from me. It makes him feel good to have the attention of a beautiful and intelligent woman, he enjoys that other men see this too. That’s why he mate guards despite not being my mate...he’s gently indicating ownership to other men without giving me ANY of the benefits of a partnership, nor meeting any of the responsibilities.

  3. He appears to be dancing close to an invisible threshold because he is...the limit to which he can go without me calling his bullshit and asking what’s up. So he’s always just shy of overt consistent interest, why he hasn’t asked me on a date or chased up the coffee I foolishly suggested, why his behaviour fluctuates.

  4. He likes the sense of control this situation gives him...which is why he increases engagement and reaches out when I match low effort...because he fears loosing control, and loosing my attention.

  5. He enjoys the validation he gets from talking about himself, but isn’t genuinely interested in my as a person beyond what I can provide to make HIM feel good. That’s why he rarely asks me specifics on myself.

  6. He’s smart, so he ensures he “social gaslights”, so if I confront him he can claim ignorance, and say he’s just friendly and that’s how he is. It also allows HIM to appear available to other women despite dissuading men from approaching me.

Phew....so I’ve just unpacked this all today. It’s a lot.

What am I going to do? Not a single thing in regards to him. This crush is dust, and I’m not going to let him waste another minute of my very expensive time. I’m staying open to opportunities, and will not be talking to him around other men or allowing him to passive aggressively mate guard. My options are open, hell, maybe this new cutie will develop into something? Maybe not. But either way I’m good.

Don’t let men monopolise your time.

Don’t let men limit your options by mate guarding while providing nothing.

Don’t build up his ego when he hasn’t built you ANYTHING.

When he finds you attractive and likes the attention and social prestige you bring he can appear to tick a lot of boxes, over a long period of time and sometimes quite consistently.

When he’s interested in you and values you you’ll feel it strong, and early, and it will make you feel like the prize, from the first conversation.

Dating isn’t charity. Don’t donate to a liability that limits your options, look for a man who invests in you fully.