FDS DIVORCE TIPS

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-17T09:55:39+00:00

What I learned from my divorce is to communicate in writing only as much as possible. I was down to just emails in the end. We had kids so I was forced to communicate with him until they were 18. Then I blocked him.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-02-17T12:13:27+00:00

You’ve been apart for two years, with no legal filing, he may have dissolved assets already.

You CAN hire a forensic financial analyst which looks over stuff for sketch activity, or finds hidden accounts.

If you live in a community property state, you get half, the end. But that could also mean half the debt.

At $250/hr, your average hearing in court will be $1500-2000 a pop.

Your attorney will take their fee from the divorce settlement. So you usually only need the retainer upfront.

Is the money worth the battle and toll on your mental health? It may be or not. But be honest with yourself and do a cost/benefit analysis.

Depending on your state, if you’ve been married for ten or more years you can usually get alimony for a time.

Good luck.

questionsaboutrel521 · 2022-02-17T15:05:28+00:00

Many people are saying consult with an attorney and to shop around until you find one you like - that is true. But they are not getting into the “how” of the consult.

One of my worst moments was feeling blindsided by a female attorney at a fancy firm as I laid my life before her and she mostly shrugged, then the receptionist gave me a cookie on the way out. I had thought my abuse endured counted for something.

It was surreal, and made me feel bad, but I had done it all wrong. Remember that marriage from a legal perspective is a business contract, and divorce is dissolving that contract. It’s all about a few base figures and numbers. Years married. Assets. Real estate. Child support. Most of these numbers are simple, but feel so complex when it’s wrapped up in your life.

Do not waste your time in the consultation talking about your feelings or hurt or even what you “deserve” out of the marriage in any way. Come prepared with what you know of his assets and your own, of each of your incomes, and about the length of the marriage. If you have proof of infidelity you can bring it but don’t dwell on it too much. To be honest, it will most likely not factor significantly in the legal process and negotiation. It’s good for your lawyer to know he cheated as leverage but it’s not worth wasting a ton of time on. That’s truly more about your emotions than the business.

Be upfront about your financial situation and ability to pay as the lower-earning spouse. They will not be surprised. Many places ask you to put $3000-5000 on retainer - this does not mean the money is spent, it is in a trust account for you and they use it to make sure they aren’t doing work on your case you can’t pay for. If you don’t have this kind of money, you MAY be able to pay as you go or work up a payment plan, but you may have to take out a loan to pay this fee and it will honestly be worth it to get it over with.

People here who are talking about forensic accounting and asset recovery are not really being realistic if OP doesn’t have a ton of money to chase this paper trail. And emotionally, I promise you OP, it isn’t worth it. Better to focus on the new life you are building out of the ashes.

I would not communicate with your ex, but do not block. Create a folder so all emails from them are labeled and don’t go to your main inbox, you can label it “cheater” if you want, but that way you won’t be as pressed. Save texts from them and even put them on mute but do not reply. It isn’t worth it. You can communicate solely through attorneys and wait for the actual mediation time (which is most likely how it will go down and a good option to keep costs down) to negotiate.

Try not to communicate excessively with your attorney - remember, they are not your friend, they are not your therapist, and they are billing you by the minute you are on the phone. Stick to making a plan for the divorce, making sure your attorney knows your priorities in terms of assets, and then following their plan. Just because your ex says something annoying or throws his new girlfriend in your face does not mean you need to spend $1000 more in legal fees to simply annoy your attorney and get no substantial assets in return. You will get so much more out of talking to a friend or going to a spin class or any other pro-social outlet.

OR if the process seems expensive and overwhelming, you can decide that while you hate your ex, that you both can sit down with a mediator or other similar professional party and hammer out your separation agreement yourselves. Then you pay an attorney a very nominal fee to file and be done with it. Whether or not this is an option for you depends on so many factors, but really it’s about whether your ex will play ball - not in terms of what assets and support he will or won’t give, but whether he would mess with the process and try to get in your head, get you back, all that. This is the least expensive option but many people have too acrimonious of a relationship to even try it.

In the end this will be a painful period but if you quickly pick a trusted professional, tell them your priorities, and don’t focus too much on it - you will make it through. Focus on your new life.

materialpleasures · 2022-02-17T09:51:15+00:00

Not my place to advise, but I just wanted to say I am sorry you're going through such a difficult and trying time. We are thinking of you and you will always have support in this community. Courage and good luck with your studies! Big hugs! <3 xx

thewetdog_ · 2022-02-17T11:23:23+00:00

The best thing you can do you did and is signing up for legal aid. Secondly you need to take more consults with attorneys, most will give you a free consultation so shop shop shop around until you find someone who is willing to help you maybe with payments that start after. But don’t pay so much for consults.

Diluting assets is tricky but it doesn’t much matter if you have good attorneys that can track it down because at the end of the day, he did it in anticipation of divorce and any judge will have a BIG problem with this.

But you need to lawyer up and the problem isn’t the consult because whatever is needed now isn’ something you can implement on your own. it’s having a long term attorney. If your ex is rich someone may help you and you pay later.

You are right about everything else.

You seem to be doing okay emotionally but you truly need counsel for the actual separation and divorce part. :(

sweet_birthday_babyy · 2022-02-17T13:40:49+00:00

In the middle of my divorce now and my advice is hire the best attorney you can afford. Mine has been expensive but worth every penny and he has fought for me and it’s such a difference between my first lawyer who sat on things and never responded to me.

Professional-Ad-457 · 2022-02-17T11:53:41+00:00

Is he still living in the place you shared together? And you have keys? If so visit when he’s out and look through everything with a fine tooth comb. I found receipts in the bin that tipped me off about his secret bank account. He’ll store all his yearly statements somewhere. Take photos or if he has a scanner use that. Good luck 🤞

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-02-17T18:03:20+00:00

It sounds like you're on the right track. Certainly you want access to paperwork like his car title, house title, etc. You want all the back tax paperwork. I agree with posts about getting access to what you can now, while spousal privilege would apply, you can call around with his last name, etc.

If you can log into his bank and credit card accounts now and download / print out the past year (or more - since you've been separated + one year prior to separation) of his statements - print every page, don't omit any blank pages - that saves you the lawyer fees of them demanding them in discovery (from him first, then from his bank itself after he sends edited / incomplete paperwork).

Find out if you hurt yourself by leaving and establishing your current situation as your "quality of life." You can decide what to do with that information (depending on how often your state / county / judge awards alimony).

Finally, most female divorce lawyers I've met are hardcore pickme or secret (and hardcore) radfem. Even if you find an amazing radfem lawyer, she's still repping you in front of a heavily patriarchal legal system / court system / potentially a pickme judge. So it's still not a guarantee.

There's almost nothing in between. I wouldn't be too afraid of getting a male lawyer. An older one whose reputation is fairly clean and whose advertising is neutral (no "men's rights", no "super peaceful family mediation hugs process kumbayah", but someone who does the usual "I am not afraid of trial, but I'm not going to blow your cash on pointless conflict."). Especially if your ex will claim you're a hysterical feminist, having a male lawyer helps neutralize that and make him seem hysterical instead.

Bulldog lawyers can be good, or they can be people who encourage conflict to the point that you always end up at trial ($5-20K a pop) over issues that a less insulting lawyer would have settled in a couple of phone calls with opposing counsel ($300-500). My first lawyer randomly decided we were going after my former MIL's house in another part of the nation, brand new, low value, minimal equity built up, bought by her husband and not transferred to the ex along with the estate because the will said otherwise. I figured we were looking at huge costs (easily 8-10x the equity in the house) with zero legal precedent for considering it marital property. She couldn't tell me why I was wrong, and didn't want to hear me say it would inflame my ex/his family's emotions to the point of no return. I had to threaten to file an ethics complaint with the bar to get the firm to back off. (Then switch counsel, of course). Sure, it was a bulldog move that would have infuriated an entire family, but my preventing it means I still have a neutrally positive relationship with the people my children see every holiday. In return, I passed up maybe $3,000 that would have been left after fees if we somehow won a suit that had no support in state law. I've easily saved 10x that in therapy fees and ongoing conflict by prioritizing that family relationship over a chance of some small amount of cash.

It sounds like there will be some forensic work if you're looking at financial payouts, and the legal fees for that aren't low. Also consider the payoff re: time. You can fight hard for $$$$, get it, give $$$ to the legal fees, and walk away three years later with the $ left over. Or you can fight for none, walk away tomorrow, and end up three years later with $$$ on your own. That's a decision that only you can make for yourself.

Divorce courts don't dispense justice or punishment. They only allocate property (including kids), like a robotic knife. I recommend doing whatever you have to do to know what those assets are, for sure. Facts only. Then you can make an informed decision re: how to proceed.

You will always, always leave your divorce feeling at least a tiny bit scr@wed over. That's fine, and usually a sign that the settlement was somewhat fair.

sacchilax · 2022-02-17T17:47:53+00:00

Hey OP- question: when you were together with him did you have access to all of these things? Or did he always keep it away?

misandryisnotreal · 2022-02-17T14:17:27+00:00

Set up free consultations with the best divorce attorneys in your area. He has endless resources to throw at legal representation. Create conflicts so that he can’t hire the best ones.

gabz_C · 2022-02-17T09:36:55+00:00

I'm not a lawyer or from the US, so I can't say much to the actual process. Try Crossposting this in FLUS and AskFds, maybe it'll come across to someone with more info.

Idk if that's very feasible with divorce attorneys, but try to look into pro bono work.

It's good you're looking for legal advice, remember that contact with him should be as non existent as possible.

Good luck and much success. 💓

whitefox00 · 2022-02-17T13:00:47+00:00

Do you have any kids OP?

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-17T08:16:36+00:00

Get a lawyer I guess

Title	FDS DIVORCE TIPS
Author	ready2leav
Upvotes	277
Comments	40
Date	February 17, 2022 8:01 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sujief/fds_divorce_tips/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/fds-divorce-tips.1101829 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101829

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