Had a HVM and lost him☹️

basicbagels · 2021-08-24T18:40:31+00:00

Please make sure you seek out help, ideally therapy. Healing yourself is more important than any relationship.

pascalines · 2021-08-24T22:37:29+00:00

When I was 27 I “lost” my HVM bf, a man I was sure I would marry someday, due to unresolved childhood trauma. I would lash out, and we drifted further and further apart and I just let it happen, not realizing it was happening. When he finally ended it I was devastated; I thought I’d lost my “one chance.”

Two years later I’m with a different, higher than HVM, amazing partner with whom I’m so much more compatible. I took a while off dating to work on myself, went to therapy, improved my self esteem, and entered my relationship now in the right headspace and at the right time.

No one gets only “one chance” at romantic happiness. If things are meant to be, they will be; if they’re not, I promise you there’s a reason for it and you will look back with greater understanding than you have now.

UglyDuffelBag · 2021-08-24T16:25:01+00:00

Was your plan to marry this guy? Relationships fall apart even when no one does anything wrong. You get more than just one chance at romantic happiness.

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-08-24T16:27:42+00:00

This is your reality check. If he’s HV he deserves to be let go because otherwise he will suffer the generational trauma of your unresolved trauma.

Let him go, work on yourself. Life’s lessons hit hard sometime. This is your redirection back to yourself. Good luck! I’m in a similar boat. Mine was LV but it still sucks.

honeybadgerattitude · 2021-08-24T16:42:57+00:00

Let him go. You need to work on yourself now. You’re only around 24 from your post info, and you have plenty of time to fix your issues and find another HVM. You could even run into the same one again but don’t rely on that. We can’t control anyone else, only ourselves and trying to makes you LV. You didn’t destroy your relationship, it’s not you being a fundamentally flawed person. It’s the fact that you went through trauma and you weren’t equipped to deal with it at the time. It’s only by working on yourself and how you deal with trauma that you will be able to heal and also be attractive to and able to recognise the next HVM.

Space_Gators · 2021-08-24T22:53:42+00:00

90% of high school sweetheart relationships that reach marriage fail. 19 may as well be high school since there’s not much difference between 18 and 19.

This breakup will be extremely hard for you, but you’ll get through it. Cry your heart out and take care of yourself. Feel your feelings and talk about them with your therapist.

We aren’t meant to stay with people we meet so young. People who do never individuate to become their true selves. You have to know who you are as an individual, not as part of a couple. You never would have had the opportunity to truly know yourself if you had just stayed with him forever. Who you are before 25 and who you are after are completely different people. It’s a really pivotal time in life and a great time to be single.

Tbh, you don’t know if he’s HV because he’s so young. Sure, maybe he’s great, but he simply isn’t right for you. I’ve got a severe trauma background and have earned the wisdom to know that not everyone can handle it, and that’s okay. It isn’t personal. A good Somatic Experiencing professional can help you work through it, and help you become your true authentic self.

Don’t focus on how hard it is to find a good man. Focus on falling in love with yourself so much that you don’t need one. Learn how to adore your own company. Take yourself on dates. Buy yourself flowers (I recommend the living versions!!!).

You don’t need any man to be happy. Work in therapy for a while so you can learn to not project your trauma on to other people. You can’t expect people to stick around if you treat them poorly, it isn’t fair to them and it’s not realistic. Build yourself back up with a professional so you can become kind, even when you’re hurting, and I personally know how hard that is. My trauma still sometimes gets the best of me if I get triggered hard enough and I become someone I don’t like. I will always keep working to be better though.

backforbeskar · 2021-08-25T04:36:56+00:00

Get therapy and work on yourself. That energy is going to attract HVM. There is no one unicorn HVM. Tons of good men out there.

nanofarm · 2021-08-24T23:47:50+00:00

Some good recommendations for therapy already but here are a few more as a fellow trauma survivor.

Reach out the RAINN, women’s shelters, women’s groups and planned parenthood, maybe even AA/NA chapters. There may also be survivor groups at your college- check out student services or the equivalent to see what might be available. These groups may have free or low cost therapy, group counseling, or can be a great source for referrals. I’m not sure the nature of your trauma but don’t limit yourself thinking they won’t want to help. If your trauma isn’t sexual in nature RAINN still has a huge list of resources and groups that can help or they could send you somewhere that can. Also ask for referrals from your counseling center- ask for group sessions, outside counselors they recommend and also see if you can see a different therapist. Push push push.

It will take some dedication but call around and follow up on any referrals you get. Every single person you talk to- very briefly state your situation, how the trauma has affected your long term relationship and daily life, what your income is and ask if they offer short term sliding scale therapy. If they don’t ask if they know anyone who does.

Don’t get discouraged, everyone is stressed from the pandemic and therapists are maxed out but keep at it. It might take a while but understand that you are worth the effort.

Better help and other online therapy is another affordable option. I had trouble with the video and text format but that’s what everything is now anyways so. With online therapy don’t hesitate for a minute to change providers, it’s going to be less likely to find a good fit I imagine bc top of the line trauma therapists probably don’t flock to better help. Although just like HVM I’m sure there are some real gems out there too. Keep trying, if it’s not a good fit get a new one. The nice thing about online is there are a lot of options.

Good luck. There are people out there who want to help you heal. If nothing else there are amazing books like “the body keeps the score” to get you started. Also the CPTSD foundation has a good blog and email newsletter. The internet is a heinous place and also full of beautiful resources. You are loved.

ComedyCaviar · 2021-08-24T16:26:05+00:00

You know, being vulnerable and telling him what you just told us might help.

Just make sure that you do miss him, not the fact that he was a HVM if you know what I mean.

sassyheather · 2021-08-24T18:40:24+00:00

Even if you find a HVM, it’s not guaranteed he’s the right HVM for you, he could very well be someone else’s soulmate.

_Ad__Astra · 2021-08-24T16:30:28+00:00

So sorry to here this sis! But trust me when I say it will be ok. Have you both tried everything you can to discuss and work things out? Or is he using this as a reason to just get out of the relationship? Sounds like a wonderful person but this is not the end of your world. One thing that’s helped me with losing someone I care about is telling myself, that while there are many crappy men out there, there are many that are worth your time and energy. Keeping that faith helps keep a positive outlook on life and things won’t seem so dramatic when it goes south.

For this relationship I would self reflect for a bit and see what you could learn from this. Maybe getting some therapy for your traumatic event would help? Remember to always take care of yourself FIRST. You are still incredibly young so you have many more opportunities to love and learn.

I can’t tell much about this guy because there aren’t many details. However if he doesn’t feel the effort of the relationship is worth it then move on and loom forward to your next adventure! Focus on your education and your mental health! 🥰

dancedancedance7 · 2021-08-25T05:17:36+00:00

If you couldn't tell him about whatever it was that traumatized you even though you have been together for 5 years, he's not your forever guy.

He might be great, and you might have been mean, but life throws shitty experiences at us sometimes and that's just how it goes. If a partnership can't last through that, it was never going to make it.

Not saying you don't have a ton of self work and leveling up ahead of you, I'm sure you do. It sounds like you are very well aware of that. But growth isn't a one and done deal, these things can and do happen, and a relationship has to be able to weather a rough patch if it's worth it.

millionssomething · 2021-08-25T04:11:30+00:00

HVM don't only have value as partners. Perhaps his value to you is that he will be a catalyst for change and a good support system while you're finishing school? Perhaps even a good friend down the road? Just because your romantic relationship is over does not mean you will lose him as a friend.

lakat17 · 2021-08-24T22:45:29+00:00

I know it’s really difficult to imagine yourself outside of this relationship or even being single after being with a man you consider HV. But it will do you no good to stay in this mental rut and sulk about how you lost “a good guy”. take this time to take care of yourself and your needs so you get change that internal dialogue with yourself. Don’t prioritize staying with this dude because of fear. Don’t make decisions based on fear, make them based on your integrity, principles, values and self respect. Take advice from the other sisters here and focuse on healing yourself. If you so that, I promise you will gain more for yourself than you think are losing.

wavesandtea · 2021-08-24T21:37:08+00:00

I’m not saying he is not a HVM... BUT I was once in a long term relationship with what I thought was a HVM and I didn’t trust him enough to tell him about a recent trauma.

Not trusting him enough to tell him can be a sign in and of itself... I had 0 self esteem then and anyone who did the tiniest kind thing I’d think they were sooooo amazing and HV.

When you get out of the relationship (and living situation) and build yourself back up, you might start remembering signs of him not actually being a HVM.

Just one perspective based on my experience... wish you the best!

THR0W4W4Y121212 · 2021-08-24T23:46:11+00:00

Just because someone is high value doesn't mean they are the one for you. High value still comes in many different flavours, and yours will be out there somewhere. You will grow from this and become a better version of yourself now

purasangria · 2021-08-24T19:52:33+00:00

Sis, if it's been 5 years, but no ring? That's a forever girlfriend situation.

Forget him and move on. Focus on the future.

candyfox84 · 2021-08-24T20:52:54+00:00

The best thing you can do is remember the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot control someone else's feelings, and you can't control their actions. None of us has that much power. All you can control is what you do with the information in front of you.

My opinion if you want it: If a man dumps me during a low point in my life, he is not high value TO ME, because a high value person won't hurt ME like that after 5 years. Nothing else about him really matters. He could be the greatest or worst person in the world, but he isn't benefiting you because of the pain he caused.

While it hurts like hell to lose your first love, it truly is for the best to know now than waste time with the wrong person, or to be dumped after marriage and two kids to feed.

ShegoGreen · 2021-08-25T01:48:53+00:00

If you let him go, do you think it would be a good idea to explain to him that you need to do some soul searching because of things that happened in your past?

Title	Had a HVM and lost him☹️
Author	Content-Floor
Upvotes	133
Comments	49
Date	August 24, 2021 4:20 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/paqltx/had_a_hvm_and_lost_him/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/had-a-hvm-and-lost-him.1060126 https://theredarchive.com/post/1060126

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