Information to withhold initially

plomerst · 2021-11-24T14:40:42+00:00

I also am very highly educated with a higher income and a good number of accomplishments. I do not downplay any of those things, but I don’t talk about them and bring them up out of the blue. Fortunately for me, I have never been with a man that expected me to pay or wanted me to free load off of me. I feel like sharing my accomplishments did help ward off men who felt like they weren’t up to par, and I do respect that on their part. I will say that there are a lot of men in my area that are very highly educated professionals and make six figures and above and they tend to desire women that are also accomplished at a similar level, so if that is a potential issue for you, then that’s some thing also to consider.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-11-24T16:55:21+00:00

Yes, I would only ever talk about renting, or that rent is due and hide the mortgage and ownership completely. Any project I'd say I got the ll's permission.

If men find out you're well enough off to buy a house on your own they will try to rob you of the value you can generate.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-11-24T15:01:03+00:00

>At of end of this month I’ll be buying my first home. While we were chit chatting last night my mom said “Just tell men you’re renting even if it’s yours”

great advice.

In 2 instances I know of, the house in which the couple lives belongs to the mother of the woman. in case of a divorce, the property will not be split. the women cannot be more happy.

Keepers12345 · 2021-11-24T15:15:53+00:00

Congrats!!!🥳🥳🥳🌈⭐🌈⭐🕊❣❣❣

May your new home be a cherished place of sweet blessings & joy!!!

...and about your question, yea, I agree that it's important not disclose that you own a home. I don't know why anyone would honestly ask about your living arrangements, other than to maybe see if you live alone? I generally feel uncomfortable telling a guy up front if I lived alone, for safety purposes.

I don't know what to say about not disclosing your career. On my OLD profile, I disclosed that information. Actually, will prob remove it now. I do feel exposed.

I def don't discuss medical information. I have become more hesitant to discuss whether I want to have children. Up until about a month ago, I was answering questions on the topic wanting children right away (during phone call screening). However, now I am going to play that topic by ear.

I do not discuss too much about my family.

I'm learning to discuss fun and neutral topics!!!

What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Where would you like to travel one day?

... and there are many guides with questions that help build intimacy.

It's so nice to learn about someone without sacrificing my boundaries by being to open and vulnerable.

NeedMoreCoffee15 · 2021-11-24T14:27:14+00:00

Honestly, I think it’s important to withhold information about what it is you WANT; but I only mean certain kinds of wants. I’ll gladly share that I want a career in medicine, or I want to break 315 on my deadlift, or that I want to buy a Glock 43x so I can hold more rounds in one mag. I’m not going to share what qualities I want in a man, or that I want to get married and have a family one day, or that I’d like to eventually have a home with a yard and a dog in X city. I’m not going to tell a man that I don’t want to have multiple marriages and divorces like my parents, that I do want a “better or worse” partner. Because that gives them power; part of being a good negotiator is being able to recognize what each party really wants from the other, and finding a solution that can give each party what they want the most, even if they can’t get everything they want. Telling a man what you want let’s him come into “negotiations” knowing what it is you really want, and allows him to falsely represent what he wants in order to get his desired outcome.

I’m not in this to do any negotiating. I’m here to figure out if they can satisfy all my wants or not; I have no reason to compromise on some things to get what I want most. If they genuinely want to know what I want, it would be quite easy to figure out if they invest time and effort and actually get to know me. But because most aren’t, it’s always “oh wow so hard to read, such a mystery.”

RoseDumpling · 2021-11-24T15:44:04+00:00

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Junior-Lion7893 · 2021-11-24T14:42:03+00:00

Withhold everything from him!

I once dated a guy and found out I easily made triple what he made on any given month, and not only did it shatter his (already) fragile ego, but he would find ways to mooch off of me. He’d subliminally guilt me into going 50/50 with him, and we’d take turns paying lol

I once casually talked to a dude about my earnings. Apparently, it wasn’t what he thought and he lashed out at me right away. It was his fault for assuming that people in my field don’t do well.

ms_monquis · 2021-11-24T21:21:49+00:00

I really appreciate your mother's POV and her intentions. She's definitely not wrong.

But like a couple of other people said, I wouldn't want to hide my profession or accomplishments. High-achieving women get "punished" by certain sorts of people, and they usually make it clear who they are the moment they learn what level you're on. And GOOD, I want those people to out themselves ASAP. I want to know he's impressed, not intimidated (gods I have grown to hate the very word), as any man on your level should be.

Now, nuts and bolts stuff, that's a different matter. Like, how much I make a year? GTFOutta here. What I paid for my house? Unless you're offering to buy it, GTFO with that, too. You will never live with me, so don't worry about where your stuff will fit.

The other thing I find super weird that people like to ask on or before the first date is why I got divorced. I guess I understand the impulse to ask — some people just like to gossip, but I get that it could be looking for any red flags from me. It still strikes me as weirdly personal, and I'm never sure what answer they expect me to give. I usually just say something like "it was him" and leave it at that. (Yes sometimes people push, and that just reveals THEIR red flags. Boundaries, dude, boundaries.)

DancingCatflower · 2021-11-25T02:07:37+00:00

I think I saw this on a "job interview tips" post, but applies perfectly in this situation:

"Knowledge is power, do NOT volunteer information"

Which means, during the initial stages of dating/getting to know a man, there are some things that will not add on to that relationship, make it better or increase success probabilities if you say them, but that could pose an opportunity for him to harm you in the short or long run.

Let's say you've encountered a LVM, but he's masking well and you haven't realised (which happens an awful lot). On date 3 you tell him you've got your own house, so his brain starts computing: "Oh... If I move in with this chick I could save $$$/move out from my parent's house/be closer to work/etc". He'll see the potential benefit and keep being charming to string you on and get to move in with you, and you wouldn't realise until you're in too deep.

Same goes for income, family wealth, inheritances or anything related to money, which could attract freeloaders, and things like the qualities you look for in a man, which could be used by narcissists to better manipulate you.

bizzybumblebee · 2021-11-24T19:14:34+00:00

I'd withhold my real name if I was on OLD lol

CroneRaisedMaiden · 2021-11-24T21:46:19+00:00

I for sure play broke more than I admit how much I actually make, “oh yeah, yep I’m soooo bad with money ha ha”. Absolute downright lie. Men hear what I do for a living, and how much I make and usually get scared off but playing broke is my go to.

I like your mom’s advice to avoid men who want to be in control while also being taken care of.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-11-25T10:50:05+00:00

Never tell them where you live, work or how much you earn. Or what you do for work exactly. Be vague, vague, vague. We need a handbook post on this.

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2021-11-25T01:21:58+00:00

I respect her thinking in this, it’s not a good idea to share your financial means with everyone.

I have recently decided to tell acquaintances and casual friends that I have a roommate. The fact that I can afford the size of my place on my own has been questioned by others many times.

It’s become clear to me that their own financial failings has become a point of annoyance towards me.

randomgirl34861 · 2021-11-25T06:55:43+00:00

I withhold as much as I can for as long as I can. When I date, my energy is focused on getting information I want from them and seeing if I like them (No use worrying about if they like me because I really don’t want to convince them. If someone is on the fence with me, I don’t want them to pursue me). The more someone knows about you, the easier it is for them to customize what they say to you and tell you what you want to hear.

I won’t touch topics like mental health, physical health, family trauma, grief, friend betrayals, personal failures, self esteem issues AT ALL before commitment is established. I think they’re the main ones that should be avoided. I don’t care if you are boyfriend, husband, or even my therapist…. No one is entitled to conversations about those topics.

ErikaNaumann · 2021-11-26T11:50:54+00:00

Before I found my (seemingly, always keeping my eyes open) hvm, in the first few dates/months I never talked about:

how much money I had
how much money my family had
who owned my house
previous relationship traumas
family issues (my mother has a mental illness)
previous sexual experience (number of partners, etc)

Title	Information to withhold initially
Author	RoseDumpling
Upvotes	411
Comments	35
Date	November 24, 2021 2:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r15wvu/information_to_withhold_initially/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/information-to-withhold-initially.1086780 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086780

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