I (25f) am pretty conventionally good looking and have had a considerable amount of men be interested in me. Attracting men has never been a problem for me, but keeping the ones I want interested has been.

In my experience, men only continue to want you when you are not fully invested in them and keep them at an arm’s length.

As a very cautious and reserved person by nature, I don’t just fall head over heels for men right off the bat. I have to spend a lot of quality time with a guy before developing feelings, and even when I do catch feelings, it still takes me even longer to emotionally invest in a relationship. And even after that, I still have walls that I keep up, never letting a man too close, never letting myself get too comfortable, never letting myself trust him too much. Basically, I’m emotionally unavailable.

This behavior drives men nuts and they’ll go through extreme lengths to prove themselves as “worthy” to me. The more they try, the more difficult and distant I become. And it drives them absolutely crazy for me! It’s annoying because I honestly just want time and space in relationships.

I was with a guy for six years and always kept him at an arm’s length, never completely trusting him when he said he truly loved me. Over the years, he treated me like a treasure. He always came through for me. He went out of his way to be there for me and support me. And, even though I loved and supported him as well, I felt so horrible that I had emotional barriers that would not allow me to let myself completely fall in love with him. So I went to therapy.

When I finally let him completely into my heart, trusting him and allowing myself to have faith in him, letting myself believe that true love might actually be real, he began to rapidly lose interest. He decided he couldn’t see a future with me anymore, that he needed to see what else was out there, and he left me. It was like all those years of him treating me with so much love and care weren’t because he loved me for myself, but because he was chasing validation for himself. Me finally letting him in after six years was the validation he needed, and once he got that I was useless to him. It hurt a lot.

I’ve also only ever had a crush on one guy in my adult life. I was stricken by Cupid’s bow. And although he admitted he was attracted to me and found me kind, warm, and laid back, he still didn’t pursue me at all. We had a few hookups after years of sexual tension and flirting and then went our separate ways (albeit I was the one who decided to pull the plug on the our connection). He probably didn’t pursue me because he sensed I liked him too much and wasn’t a challenge.

Every other guy I’ve dated before, after and between these two men has been crazy about me because I’m so emotionally unavailable. But I am absolutely 100% certain that if I ever opened myself up to a guy again and let myself be vulnerable with him, no matter how crazy he’d been about me before, he would lose interest.

So my advice is to treat men well, be kind and supportive in your relationships, but never emotionally invest too much. Never let him get too sure of you. Keep him at arm’s length and your heart protected. Remember that any man no matter how dedicated he seems can and would leave you. Men crave the chase and if they feel that they’ve caught their prey, they’ll drop you like a hot tamale no matter how wholesome might seem. Know your worth and know no man deserves to possess the treasure that is your heart.