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[–]EclecticBarbarellaFDS Disciple176 points177 points178 points 5 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link
It took eight years for it to come out that my friends “HVM” husband was cheating on her with hookers and massage parlors. Eight. YEARS.
I’m honestly still trying to process it because I knew him and was fairly close to him (she’s my best friend so I saw him a ton) and I liked this mother fucker. I trusted him. I didn’t in the beginning but after years of him appearing consistent... I honestly don’t know that I’ll ever trust someone enough to marry them, but I guess that’s a bridge I’ll cross if I ever manage to find a guy that’s functional and I’m actually attracted to.
[–]Samvanderkamp123FDS Newbie77 points78 points79 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. My ex was cheating for years.
I think you have to be a hacker to know. Guys can hide the communication online. But they can also hide the money. It’s a red flag if their bank account is online, no paper statements, and locked down because it probably links to the secret credit card that is also online. And that in turn pays for the motels and the second phone.
Even if they are transparent with their phone, that doesn’t rule out a second one stashed in the spare tire.
[–]EclecticBarbarellaFDS Disciple77 points78 points79 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
During the fallout of that, my friend also found out he makes nearly twice what she thought he did (he’d always done their taxes and they moved money into a joint account for bills but each had their own for paycheck deposit). She called me and was like “we should own a fucking house by now, how much was he spending on hookers?!?”
[–]lunatigreFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
God that's horrible. I'm so sorry for your friend!
I feel like before sex two people should bring their STD results to show each other...not just say it verbally but show the actual lab work results. And before getting married or merging financially each partner should pull up and share their credit history/credit report online in real time in front of the other. I'm sure there's still a way to hide money in foreign bank accounts or something but anyone not willing to be this transparent, anyone who needs you to jUsT tAkE ThEiR wOrD fOr iT is a huge red flag.
[–]hgd29FDS Newbie32 points33 points34 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A marriage license should require a financial report of each partner.
You have to show evidence of vaccination for dog licenses, why not evidence of financial compatibility for marriage licenses?
[–]riricideFDS Apprentice19 points20 points21 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
before sex two people should bring their STD results to show each other...not just say it verbally but show the actual lab work results.
Absofuckinglutely. I'm never going to forgive myself if I catch a goddamn STD from some guy and I don't feel safe enough to trust anyone's word on it without the paperwork. It's a very simple process, there is no excuse not to get it done. Needs to be dated and within the last 3 months. Better yet, go together and both people get it done so everything is above board.
[–]PrinnykinFDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yep, don't be me. I asked my ex if he had been tested and he LIED and said he was clean. I believed him. He gave me herpes knowing he had it. He even took medication for it every day! I can never forgive myself. I'm so fucking stupid.
I also caught chlamydia from a guy I was in a serious relationship with for 3 years. He was cheating. Just don't ever sleep with a guy without a condom, you can't trust them.
[–]MagnfiqueMaleficentFDS Disciple7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Additionally, they should have up to date health records on their OLD profiles. 🤔
[–][deleted] 35 points36 points37 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Shit like this is honestly what scares the Fck out of me. You never know when they’re going to pull the rug out from under you
[–]Amy3e13FDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's why it's a good idea to have a secret bank account where you deposit some money each month in case he pulls something like this. (Many men already have secret bank accounts that their wives know nothing about.) Then you'll be able to leave more easily.
[–]shortywannarockFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That’s why it’s so important to never make your man your life, no matter how HV he seems. Always maintain your social circle, never stop improving yourself, and keep on top of your finances at all times. Other people are always a gamble, and even female friends can let you down after decades, but you’ll always have your own back.
[–]NovemberinthechairFDS Disciple15 points16 points17 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah. I was with my ex for eight years. He hid his fucked-upness up until the end. When it showed, I left skid marks.
[–]DadaExperimentFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same thing happened to me.
[–]timetofliptablesFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Can I ask why you didn’t like him in the beginning? Do you think you had an instinct about him or saw some red flags?
[–][deleted] 138 points139 points140 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Just remember that men are actors. The majority is not very good at it but they rely on women ignoring red flags and overempathizing to succeed. If you pay close attention, it should be obvious how fake they are from the start. The mask has lots of cracks.
[–]kettleodumplinsFDS Newbie58 points59 points60 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes, this applies to all of them at one time or another; it is how men are raised. And remember that a lot of them rely on women to maintain their image: a lot of them have "close" female friends, doting moms, or even a wife or a girlfriend that they have manipulated into maintaining their facade. Even if they don't have those things, how many of them are saying things like "you are so much better than other women" or bragging about being creepily protective of daughters to make themselves look good?
They are raised to be manipulators (even if some break out of it), and women are raised and gaslighted into supporting and enabling them. And they will all eventually fall back on LV traits from time to time. Never stop vetting and self-assessing!
[–]Inspection-CriticalFDS Apprentice28 points29 points30 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This.
My uncle told us for 25 years that he could never pay for anything because he was in bankruptcy.
I did a background check and discovered he discharged that bankruptcy in 1994. He was just a cheapskate. Didn't even pay Grandma rent for 30 years and let her go on food stamps while he was living with her.
There was always red flags. Unfortunately the asshole's family enabled him.
[–][deleted] 13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
They also rely on other men who teach their daughters to accept shit from men because “all men do it”.
[–]StrainingMyNeuronsFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Some lie by omission, don’t forget that too.
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Omg yes, and then they pretend to be innocent and well-meaning when caught. The excuses are endless.
[–]Bombs_FDS Newbie85 points86 points87 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
My abusing LVM ex was so so perfect the first year, treating me like a queen and so on, and then he started calling me "pig" and other sweet names while being ashamed to be with me. Never again. Never stop vetting.
[–]orangechickengeneralFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
he started calling me "pig" and other sweet names
Whattt? Not okay at all. How did he begin doing that? As a joke in the beginning to get you accustomed to it, or straight up as an insult?
[–]Amy3e13FDS Newbie17 points18 points19 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Bet he thought he had her wrapped around his finger at that point so he could finally (slowly) introduce the real him to her.
[–]Bombs_FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I made a joke in front of friends and to him it wasn't funny so he called me pig. And then for my birthday he bought me lingerie. I tried them in front of him and the insults began again
[–]orangechickengeneralFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
wow...that must hurt a lot. Good on you for leaving him!
[–]StrainingMyNeuronsFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
What a trash. Good riddance to you.
[–]kettleodumplinsFDS Newbie69 points70 points71 points 5 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link
My friend's EX husband that she dated from highschool had everyone fooled for 12 years before his narcissistic lies unravelled. He had been cheating on her and manipulating her for years and she didn't find out until they separated and he was still trying to get back together (she showed up to see him and found him with the gf). He had this "kinda dumb but typical lazy dad" image that he used her to help maintain, but in reality he had put them tens of thousands of dollars in debt, had a long-term girlfriend, and was on websites looking for threesomes. Now he is proudly a narcissist (smiles & calls himself a "terrible person") and still somehow uses what seem like normal, hard working (but obviously very insecure) pick-me women.
I got the chills when I heard about the guy that killed his family after 7 years. Looking back, my friend's ex made the same facial expressions and had the same secret life (girlfriend and extreme debt). My friend had been inexplicably getting sicker for years and had a pretty miraculous recovery after he left. I won't rule out stress as the root cause for her illness, but it wouldn't surprise me if he was putting something in her drinks - he was really neurotic about bringing her drinks but wouldn't trust anyone with his. I'm just so glad she is okay; she made it out and has some serious 👸👑 energy now.
[–]MagnfiqueMaleficentFDS Disciple16 points17 points18 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I wish that was fiction but I know it’s not. 😢
[–]kettleodumplinsFDS Newbie21 points22 points23 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Me too. I was going through a divorce at the same time and I remember the day she found him with the other woman. It was heartbreaking; imagine being with someone over a decade and then finding out they had a whole other life. He was making gross, unreasonable demands while they were separated and saying he really wanted to come back if she would just x, y, z - but sleeping with a bunch of other women at the same time 🤮
The one bright side was that he made pretty stupid, irrational decisions in the divorce OR he was doing something that he didn't want coming to light (I have my theories). So at least she didn't end up with all of his debt & shitty life decision baggage.
[–]dragon_wolf4FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Based on what you just said about about him not trusting anyone with his drink & being neurotic about bringing hers, I'm 99.99% certain he was secretly mixing something in her drinks.
[–]NovemberinthechairFDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Oh my God.
[–]Inspection-CriticalFDS Apprentice5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Now he is proudly a narcissist (smiles & calls himself a "terrible person")
Yikes.
People will tell who you they are. Every terrible person I've known would brag about hurting others. Some have openly called themselves "assholes." I learned to take them seriously, because they're not joking.
[–]chorussaurusFDS Newbie37 points38 points39 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Men like to hide their crazy I told you have to drag it out of them after they gaslight you about you being the crazy one. They know what they're doing.
[–]darkempress2003FDS Newbie32 points33 points34 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
It took me nineteen years to realise someone I genuinely cared about wasn't who he said he was. I was so gutted.
[–]Substantial-Ad-174510 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Could you elaborate please?
[–]darkempress2003FDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
He was someone I had always considered a good friend. Always romantically interested but the opportunity never arose. Many years passed. We started talking again last year and I thought maybe we could finally take things beyond friends. This is all well before I knew what FDS was. He expresses interest in me, I express interest in him. Things weren't great but they were decent. Turns out he'd had a girlfriend during most of the time we were talking. And once he knew I knew, he essentially ghosted me. Nineteen years just, gone. I thought he could have been my person, you know? It doesn't sting so much now but it helps that I found this place. I realise he wasn't nearly as HVM as he seemed. I feel very lied to.
[–]Substantial-Ad-17454 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thanks for explaining and sorry for his behavior
[+][deleted] 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]timetofliptablesFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is literally my worst fear. I’m so sorry.
[–]NovemberinthechairFDS Disciple6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
God, so true.
[–][deleted] 52 points53 points54 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is what I'm so scared of. Waking up one day to a completely different person and being blinded to him from the very beginning... It can happen to literally anyone, no one's safe. Scary.
[–][deleted] 27 points28 points29 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Same here. And always being on edge doing detective work makes me think, is this shit even worth it?
[–]Lostandconfused333FDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Took a year for me to find shit my husband was hiding. I found it the week before our one year anniversary actually. But I suppose it was more like 3 years since we had been dating for two before we got married. Lying pieces of shit.
[–]IndependenceSoonFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
30 years to a cheater that used me, hid money and led a double life. Im almost divorced from this POS...
[–]darkempress2003FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I hope you're in a better place now? Physically/mentally/spiritually?
[–]rosemarie2020FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Or 5 years. 😅
[–]teenygoblin27FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Chris Watts, he was madly in love with his wife and kids at one point and then turned around, met another woman and killed his wife and babies. FUCKING MADNESS.
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[–]EclecticBarbarellaFDS Disciple176 points177 points178 points (14 children) | Copy Link
[–]Samvanderkamp123FDS Newbie77 points78 points79 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]EclecticBarbarellaFDS Disciple77 points78 points79 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]lunatigreFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]hgd29FDS Newbie32 points33 points34 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]riricideFDS Apprentice19 points20 points21 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]PrinnykinFDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]MagnfiqueMaleficentFDS Disciple7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 35 points36 points37 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Amy3e13FDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]shortywannarockFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]NovemberinthechairFDS Disciple15 points16 points17 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DadaExperimentFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]timetofliptablesFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 138 points139 points140 points
(5 children) | Copy Link
[–]kettleodumplinsFDS Newbie58 points59 points60 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Inspection-CriticalFDS Apprentice28 points29 points30 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 13 points14 points15 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]StrainingMyNeuronsFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Bombs_FDS Newbie85 points86 points87 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]orangechickengeneralFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Amy3e13FDS Newbie17 points18 points19 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Bombs_FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]orangechickengeneralFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]StrainingMyNeuronsFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]kettleodumplinsFDS Newbie69 points70 points71 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]MagnfiqueMaleficentFDS Disciple16 points17 points18 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]kettleodumplinsFDS Newbie21 points22 points23 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]dragon_wolf4FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]NovemberinthechairFDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Inspection-CriticalFDS Apprentice5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]chorussaurusFDS Newbie37 points38 points39 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]darkempress2003FDS Newbie32 points33 points34 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Substantial-Ad-174510 points11 points12 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]darkempress2003FDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Substantial-Ad-17454 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (2 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]timetofliptablesFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]NovemberinthechairFDS Disciple6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 52 points53 points54 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 27 points28 points29 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lostandconfused333FDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]IndependenceSoonFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]darkempress2003FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]rosemarie2020FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]teenygoblin27FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link