Online dating just to practice or learn FDS?

fruitpunchsam · 2021-12-27T19:38:52+00:00

Would a recovering alcoholic sit next to a bunch of wine bottles to "practice" enforcing their boundaries? No.

If you've already "practiced" building other types of healthy relationships (e.g., platonic and professional ones) then you don't need to "practice" dating. There is very little difference between the fundamental skills needed to build a healthy friendship versus building a healthy romantic relationship, except that it's harder to enforce boundaries while dating because of female socialization, patriarchy, attraction etc. And you don't have to go out of your way to practice enforcing boundaries to get good at it, you can build up your self-worth so that when your boundaries are tested, you can leave immediately.

Your time is very valuable and spending any of it to interact with men you don't even like, in order to "practice" leaving them, seems counterproductive. If you want to strengthen your boundaries, do things that boost your self-worth instead.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-12-27T19:24:42+00:00

You could definitely do that, but ask yourself why you'd want to. Is the extra practice worth commodifying yourself for guys to swipe on you while they're sitting on the toilet? Only you know the answer to that question. Maybe challenge yourself to practice looking for those red flags in other areas (god knows there's no shortage of shitty male behaviour, amirite?) instead. For me, I don't want my photo and details on those websites and I can get practice in many other ways.

elainejay82 · 2021-12-27T19:29:13+00:00

I did this and all it did was expose me to men who really aren't healthy for me or for any girl, really. Men are spinning plates on there and unless you are an incredibly emotionally closed off person, chances are you are going to get roped in with some of the worst types fuckbois.

It can be a good way to test yourself, but remember, men on there are doing nothing but testing us too and with hormones involved, it's hard to beat this kind of system.

If you don't have any intention to date, I would skip exposing yourself so much necause it really does expose us to a lot more of creeps than we would meet in a normal day.

LysistrataRises · 2021-12-28T00:50:50+00:00

Thanks ladies, your insights are welcome. There are definitely better ways for me to spend my time, and I have been. When I recall what OLD was like when I WAS trying to find a decent man (I know I know, looking for gold in a cesspool), I remember how exhausting and demoralizing it was. If anything, my opinion of men has improved somewhat by staying away, so maybe I just forgot how awful it is. And I thought maybe a relative lack of interest on my part would make it more tolerable somehow. But eh... I can easily go the rest of my life not having to read that some guy nearing forty thinks Elon Musk is the greatest and wants a girl who doesn't take herself too seriously.

ceramicunicorn · 2021-12-28T00:57:28+00:00

Huh. Worked for me. I was pretty naive and really had no idea that some of these types of men were not only out there, but in abundance. Then I come to find out- after asking IRL men what they thought of this or that male approach- there’s even more men who wouldn’t outwardly employ these approaches, but also don’t see them nearly as problematic as I do. It taught me what is lying beneath the surface in even men who present well...I never knew how careful I had to be in choosing someone to share a life with.

Anyway, exposure to disappointing male lows I did not know existed (and that I am not exposed to in other types of interpersonal relationships) allowed me to prepare for potential future scenarios, gave me context in real life for gut feelings I could not articulate, and helped me formulate in my mind what to be looking for. It was the equivalent of eye-opening realizations like that no, not everyone does first think to turn the computer off, and on. Or that some people do not know to not steal objects from their hostess’ home.

To see such dating and human relations basics be totally not understood (or more likely, willfully misunderstood without a tad of shame or guilt, because she’s “not a person anyway”- another male phenom I did not know was so prevalent, to where it can now be assumed in at least 60% of my dating interactions), can be heartbreaking. That’s why so many people will tell you it’s a waste. It was hard for me too. Like getting the dirt on the opposition’s war strategy, and being horrified by the lack of scruples (and humanity) by the majority. But it was also enlightening.

But you have to put a limit on engagement. This is an issue I think a lot of FDSers have, who consume LVM content like a drug. As validating as it may be to gain confirmation that It’s Not You, It’s Systemic!, it will also grind you down and foster resentment after a while. Even if it’s justified, the negative feelings have more drawbacks than gains (I even need to flip from FDS to FLUS at times for that reason, as the former often serves as recon on the worst of the male brain, and I can only take so much).

You already know what bar you have to hold for dating. So just learn what intel you have to learn about their own approaches. If you’re the kind to freeze in the face of audacity (as I still am at times), desensitize yourself so when you encounter it you can block and delete fast. Let that intel mentally prepare you for how you will handle different situations (can’t do it for every possible one, but you get what I’m saying), so that if someone pulls some bullshit, you are intellectually conditioned enough to override any irrational chemical bonding that could cloud your judgement.

I think a better analogy than alcohol is gambling...because the latter employs strategy and reflects human behavior (like dating). Do the aforementioned, then leave the table. Don’t drag it on. Don’t think that win is just around the corner if you keep swiping. That’s compulsive gambler thinking. You never spend more than you can afford.

Then retain your knowledge/standards/strategies (keep notes), and employ when needed when you start dating for real.

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-12-27T20:04:24+00:00

I personally think it helped me get better at rejecting men faster.

One tip: Only message men who message you first. 99% won’t be a good fit still. But NOT ONE man I ever messaged first did I ever actually have a date with. I (used to) message first when I was super bored. I had a cut and paste message. And most of them were 50/50 or coffee and a walk types.

I basically used to run low key science experiments on dating apps. 🤣

gingerandlime · 2021-12-27T21:25:38+00:00

On the one hand, no, ending conversations when you don’t like them is in absolutely NO way “poisoning the well”. On the other hand, if you don’t want to be dating, you shouldn’t be. Focusing on yourself is, at least in my mind, much more important than being up to speed on how people act in the context of dating. It doesn’t matter how they act if you are solid with yourself and what’s okay for you, if/when you decide to date.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-27T23:19:15+00:00

I'm passively on OLD on Facebook, not paying for any dating app. Already been married twice for 25 years. I'm very much considering taking a break; FB won't let you delete your FB dating profile, but you can turn off dating indefinitely.

I've thought about it long and hard, and if it's meant to be, it'll be. Struggle love isn't real; I've been there, and of course divorced. Remarried to a man with whom I had a ton of stuff in common, happy for 17 years. The work that went into that relationship didn't feel like work, because it was a labor of love from both of us.

I'm going to focus on living my life and enjoying it. I have family, friends, community, plus two spoiled cats. If some man is interested in me, he'll make it known. And if no one approaches, then no loss to me, because if he wanted to, he would.

faethegaay · 2021-12-27T23:12:48+00:00

If you’re wanting to maintain high standards, starting with the bottom of the barrel that is online dating is NOT IT especially speaking from experience.

weeding through endless scrotes just for a chance to meet a HVM isn’t worth it especially when it’s pretty unsafe on apps. It’s really not worth potentially traumatizing yourself either.

For me nothing good has come out of the 4 years I wasted on that bullshit and that time plus energy could’ve been spent on self care, friendships, expanding social community and hobbies instead.

lolmemberberries · 2021-12-28T00:04:14+00:00

Given that you have no intention on dating at this point in time, no. You can implement your standards and healthy boundaries in friendships, work relationships and the like.

DiosaCordilia · 2021-12-27T22:28:13+00:00

Tried that strategy not too long ago. Definitely would not recommend it. Waste of time. Waste of energy.

vietprincessleia · 2021-12-27T22:06:32+00:00

I once thought I could just use OLD for experience, but it’s easy to get wrapped up in lvm liars and disappointment on there. It might not be worth your time, but if you try, be very careful and ruthless.

fireforestfairy · 2021-12-28T11:40:42+00:00

Don't do it. In my opinion it's not that different from men cresting OLD profiles just to see how many matches they can get. It's not a good use of time for yourself and it's not fair to the other person.

meninadalua · 2021-12-28T15:08:56+00:00

Girl, don’t waste your time. There are better things to do

chamomilepill · 2021-12-27T19:06:58+00:00

I tried to use it for practice, but the amount of anger and disgust made it not worth it.

It's better to vet in real life, because ghosting a guy you met online is much easier than doing it with a guy you already been with.

You can make sure you are ripe by practicing FDS standarts with male colleagues, male relatives, even female friends. Those are a bit more similar to real life dating.

capture_the_excite · 2021-12-28T04:11:11+00:00

If you were to undertake this, what is it you're hoping to get out of it? Do you have an intention or a goal, or is there some internal anxiety you're trying to settle? If the source of your motivation is discomfort, maybe it's better for you to do some soul searching and addressing the root cause of that.

That said, I think vetting is a skill. Like all skills, if you practice it you'll get better at it. But is it a skill you want to sharpen now at the expense of other skills you could spend that time on?

If it were up to me, I wouldn't do it. Choose carefully because once that time is gone you cant get it back.

Title	Online dating just to practice or learn FDS?
Author	LysistrataRises
Upvotes	117
Comments	26
Date	December 27, 2021 6:39 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rpu2a1/online_dating_just_to_practice_or_learn_fds/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/online-dating-just-to-practice-or-learn-fds.1090370 https://theredarchive.com/post/1090370

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