Put yourself first.

Kitty015 · 2020-09-02T04:05:08+00:00

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

StrainingMyNeurons · 2020-09-02T05:24:56+00:00

You know what, I am always the one rescuing all people and animals around me, and I’ve come to a conclusion that I do that because I don’t believe that others can be trusted to have empathy and to come to help. And I am fully aware that this is what it was like when I was growing up. I had a very good experience a couple of weeks back, when there was a lost dog wandering in my street, that tried to come to my house with me. While the dog was very cute and friendly, I also found a dead cat in my front yard, and it was a fighting kind of dog, and I also have a dog that would not have taken it kindly. I was agonising, thinking how I can keep my dog in the house while the other one in the garage overnight, then where to call to look for the owner, whether my dog would go nuts barking, whether this dog would turn on me, etc., etc. I went across the road to the neighbour, who also said that she was in a similar predicament, but maybe the other set of neighbours will let him sleep on their porch and see if his chip can be scanned. Lo and behold, I woke up in the morning to find a lovely post on our neighbourhood Facebook group, where the owner was found and picked up the dog.

And that was the evidence for me that I don’t always need to swoop in to save the day.

smokeandfireflies · 2020-09-02T11:16:57+00:00

People used to tell me “you’re such a good listener!” Which I thought was high praise. I finally grasped that being Such A Good Listener was a dog whistle that brought all of the energy vampires and drama-mongers out of the woodwork and into my lap. Now, I no longer give ear to others’ drama unless I genuinely want to or feel really led to be there for them, which is a lot less often than I’d have predicted it would be. Feels great.

yfunk3 · 2020-09-02T06:59:56+00:00

This hits home. I had to move 5,000 miles away to learn this lesson.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-09-02T04:28:11+00:00

OMG, this is the post I didn’t know I needed today. THANK YOU, Queen! 🙌🏻🌹

Diane9779 · 2020-09-02T12:33:53+00:00

I used to be the friend who always gave and never received. Not anymore. Now as soon as I sense that someone is becoming a “therapy patient” I shut them down. Friendship should be a two way street.

Villanelloh · 2020-09-02T09:46:05+00:00

There's no point breaking your back trying to help someone who doesn't want to get help. Just walk away.

honeyhealing · 2020-09-02T09:54:22+00:00

One of my professors who used to work in Child protection would always make a point of saying, you cannot care for others if you’re not caring for yourself! It’s so true and self care is extremely important to avoid burn out.

ishQbaz · 2020-09-02T05:11:10+00:00

yes yes yes fucking yes.

kaoutanu · 2020-09-02T11:21:55+00:00

"You can't pour from an empty cup".

2020-09-02T13:49:00+00:00

So true. I almost drained myself completely dry due to a narcisstic friend thinking if I gave and gave and tried then I could fix him and have a decent friendship with him. I was there for him constantly. He kept me awake, I didn’t sleep some nights due to him ghosting next, he was verbally abusive and made me feel bad about so many things I was and am still a bit of a wreck but I’m working on healing. Never sacrifice yourself for others until you’re empty. Make yourself a priority. You’re not just an option

PollyannaPenny · 2020-09-02T09:16:43+00:00

I wish I had learned this in my 20s

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2020-09-02T10:04:45+00:00

Holy moly. I needed this today.

ms_monquis · 2020-09-02T15:18:46+00:00

It’s the first thing they teach you as a lifeguard too: you have to save yourself first. Can’t save anyone else if you’re drowned.

It’s another “controversial opinion” of mine, which I’ve gone round and round with family members about. “Children should be absolute first priority.” Well, no, not exactly. Children need their parents to be healthy and alive. Obviously, we aren’t talking about getting your nails done while your children starve, but we are talking about maintaining your health before indulging anyone else. Don’t lose yourself thinking it’s heroic. The age of martyrs is long past.

(And pssst that won’t “keep him” either.)

sassylittlespoon · 2020-09-02T14:02:11+00:00

This is my biggest issue. Does anyone have any resources on how to overcome this? It’s caused it so much harm in all my relationships. I don’t even know where to start.

TIA!

scorpio11055 · 2020-09-02T14:30:47+00:00

I’ve always done this because I felt the only value I could provide to anyone—friend, fling, boyf—was to be their emotional dumpster, but that has never made anyone stay.

I’ve been working on this issue with others by straight up saying, “I don’t want to listen to you talk about this right now” or something along those lines. If it’s someone I’m not that close to, I’ll just sorta tune them out and give a generic response. This has become easier as I practice truly seeing the value I have that is not in relation to how others view me or what they can use me for.

In Silver Lining’s Playbook, when Tiffany (JLaw) said, “I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I’m empty! I have nothing!” - I really felt that lol

Pudding5050 · 2020-09-02T15:19:14+00:00

Plus, people usually manage to do just fine without your help. The constant rescuing and helping people is a pattern of codependency. You're rescuing everybody because of your own reasons, they don't actually need your help. They'll figure out how to make it on their own.

MACMUA · 2020-09-02T03:55:38+00:00

Everyone loses in this situation. The person who is gaining all the support will be shocked when the female ghosts. A female mental bandwidth can only take so much. It’s not good that when someone is an emotional vampire and drains your.

Stankypanky1 · 2020-09-02T14:49:32+00:00

I have this problem. I feel like I have nothing else to offer. I legitimately don’t know what friend/relationships are outside of me equating my worth with how useful I am.

AnnaliseRuth · 2020-09-02T14:57:32+00:00

So much value in this saying Thanks 😊🤗

Killer_Bhree · 2020-09-02T15:04:46+00:00

This exactly. I was miserable for years until I figured this out

2020-09-02T18:07:53+00:00

I needed this rn

oasisreverie · 2020-09-06T01:25:52+00:00

This happened to me before.

I worked two jobs, paid my own bills, and helped take care of my niece and my parents, who were all on disability at the time.

My ex, K would ask me for money constantly. I'd stupidly give it to him, and then I was going broke.

I hardly ever had money to buy myself clothes or do things for myself.

I worked so much that I didn't have time for any hobbies either.

I ended up feeling extremely drained and suicidal after months of this.

I've been single ever since. And, I've learned that men are usually very parasitic, so I prefer being alone now.

But, I have enough agency to admit that it is my responsibility not to drain myself by making those choices again.

Remember: A vampire can only enter your house with your permission.

level_up_always · 2020-09-03T01:13:23+00:00

always 💯 it's the only way men truly respect you bc that is sure as fuck what they're doing.

Title	Put yourself first.
Author	MamiG13
Upvotes	1384
Comments	30
Date	September 2, 2020 3:19 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ikz5d1/put_yourself_first/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/put-yourself-first.211646 https://theredarchive.com/post/211646

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