Quick question: what are some narcissistic traits?

SuitablePerformance3 · 2021-08-28T21:47:55+00:00

Please read the handbook, there are sections on this.

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-08-28T18:45:20+00:00

Biggest thing that stands out to me here is that you were accused of being narcissistic, yet you're over here doubting yourself, making sure you're not in the wrong.

A narcissist wouldn't do that.

The one quality shared amongst all abusers is they will accuse their victims of being abusive.

I have three degrees in the behavioural sciences & a sneaking suspicion that you're being gaslit.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-08-28T18:33:42+00:00

Refuses to answer questions directly, lies about inconsequential things, can’t tell when he’s lying and when he’s telling the truth.

sruslywhytho · 2021-08-28T18:43:13+00:00

They don’t respond well to being told no.

shutup201 · 2021-08-28T19:07:02+00:00

In my experience...fast friend, selfish (talls about self a lot, selfish in bed, etc), rarely takes responsibility for anything (pretends like he will but always blames someone else), manipulative (always trying to get you to do shit to see if they can control you), limited range of emotions (either anger or contentment from some form of validation or by hurting others), no respect for boundaries, constant put downs many cloaked as criticism, says one thing but behaves in a totally different insincere manner, braggadocious (they're the best at everything), thinks or acts like they're better than most people, doesn't like to be told no and vindictive. They're your typical abuser who pretends to be a great person.

Reading the above, they're absolute hell on paper lol. They're all smoke and mirrors and good about who to target (people pleasers, bad boundaries, low conflict, too nice, etc).

Eh everyone else is the problem to narcissists. I wouldn't give it anymore thought.

honestlyidkfr · 2021-08-28T19:15:04+00:00

I was typing a lot but it got super long so:

They don’t apologize - at best their apologies are backhanded and cruel
They believe they’re never in the wrong
They think they’re infallible; socially, physically, mentally
Emotional dysregulated around people they deem safe targets, but can easily keep a level head around authority
They only experience 3 emotions and that’s anger, infatuation, and numbness. Sadness is rare for them.
If they’re called a narcissist, they either don’t care or are incredibly indignant.
They’re delusional, either because they actually are or as an attempt to gaslight.
They cannot accept being told no or defied
Stereotypically self absorbed; even if it’s not about themselves, they’ll talk just to hear themselves talk.
Projection projection projection

dancedancedance7 · 2021-08-28T18:30:24+00:00

Check out Dr Ramani's videos on the 'tubes. She explains things very well.

Inspection-Critical · 2021-08-28T19:19:25+00:00

This is long so I've bulleted out my response here.

1.

I’m not gonna sit here and act like I didn’t make mistakes, but a narcissist called me narcissistic.

Typical. Narcissists commonly accuse their victims of being narcissists themselves. Abusers also quite famously will accuse their victims of being abusive.

Good rule of thumb is, when someone keeps making wild accusations out of the blue, assume that person is accusing you of what they're actually doing. Google the term "projection."

2.

Also, the fact you're asking for feedback and worried you could be hurting others indicates you likely weren't the problem. Nobody's perfect, but people who are narcissistic rarely reflect or take responsibility for their bad behavior, they blame others and aren't interested in self-improvement.

3.

Also, how are your other relationships? Are they healthy and stable? Do you have problems with a lot of people ... or only this guy? That will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know.

I got out of a toxic situationship like yours. I was convinced that I was the problem until my therapist asked, "How are your other relationships?"

They're great. I've had a solid inner circle for many years. Talk to family and friends every week. Everybody is stable and dependable. People show up for each other and communicate well. There's no drama, almost never any misunderstandings, and those get resolved quickly and easily. My friendships last a long time. I can't remember the last time I had a blowup, or a boss who wouldn't be happy to give me a reference.

Then my therapist asked about the LVM from the situationship. "Okay, how are HIS relationships?"

Uh, well...

He had no friends. Nobody. He admitted this more than once and said it was because he was "an asshole", as if that was funny. All his interactions with people were shallow, and as I came to learn over time, very short-lived. He posted photos on social media of "friends" he'd meet while traveling and then never talk to them again. Came to find out he burned a lot of bridges and resolved conflicts (and there were many of them) by ghosting people. The guy was a professional chaos demon.

He hadn't had a girlfriend in 5 years and said his ex dumped him because "he deserved it." He left a trail of angry people behind him: angry dates, angry coworkers, angry people he'd befriended for a short while and who'd then blocked his number. I didn't understand this until I became one of them and angrily blocked his number one day.

The only people who stuck around his life were his asshole family and "friends" who inevitably hurt him: scam artists, abusers, drug addicts, ex-convicts, seriously dangerous people that anybody with 2 marbles rattling around upstairs should've seen instantly as a threat. He was somehow always shocked when these people betrayed him.

In hindsight, it speaks to how manipulative he was that I ever thought I was the problem. No surprise, my mental health improved 10000x once he was gone.

So, take an honest assessment of your life. We can all stand to improve and therapy can be life-changing, but if you have a good track record with other people, you probably weren't the problem. Especially if he has a history of bad relationships and bad decisions.

Br0ther-Finger · 2021-08-28T19:20:37+00:00

“If you would stop being a bitch and over reacting to everything, we will get along fine. I know I left you on read all weekend while I was on my boys weekend, but that’s because I left my phone in the cab. But the craziest thing happened, at the end of the trip, I was winning big at the slots and it drew a crowd. The cabby happened by at just that time, recognized me and returned it. I gave the winnings to a homeless child, so if you want to give me shit about not buying you a souvenir, you’re being fucking selfish. “

gigi_chi · 2021-08-28T18:37:57+00:00

Only talks about themselves

Drpyroxene · 2021-08-28T18:37:13+00:00

Sounds like projection! My abusive narc ex did this all the time. Ugh.

insurrectionaryINTJ · 2021-08-28T19:06:27+00:00

Sounds like classic projection if he’s calling you narcissistic and gaslighting you into believing you are the problem and the one that needs “fixing”. If you were a narcissist, you’d have no interest in taking personal accountability and seeking therapy.

I’ve been called narcissistic, entitled, and toxic by men who were in fact those very things they project onto me. Let me tell you, these were all LVM and ZVM who were trying to manipulate me into being nicer and more accommodating of their wants. Don’t fall for it. You are not the one manipulating, gaslighting, and not taking accountability. You are not a narcissist.

throwaway04357 · 2021-08-28T18:55:40+00:00

When you get into a fight and he pretends like nothing happened the next time he talks to you.

When you call him out on something he did that hurt you and he tells you it didn't happen. Then when you push the issue he turns it around and says it was your fault.. If you only did x,y,z more he never would have done that. Clearly his cheating/lying/ghosting was ALL your fault, he is innocent. Do better.

When you have your guard up with him and he goes all out to prove to you how much he loves you and that you can trust him! You're his one and only, always. He will be consistent with this until you start texting him back and answering his calls etc. He'll continue the love bombing at this point but he'll pull it back just enough that you take over more. Once that happens he knows he has you and will be cold and distant. I would consider it lucky to be completely discarded at this point but most likely he'll continue the cycle once you start to distance yourself again. It's hard to get out once you're in it.

And also..

Do you have dark hair? You'd look better blonde! Blonde now? You look great but maybe if you were a little more tan and not so washed out. Tanning? Great! You should hit up the gym, big butts are a turn on. Squatting like there's no tomorrow? Okay that's nice but big boobs are hot too don't forget. Got implants? Sweet! Now act like his favorite porn star. Doing things you aren't comfortable with and don't recognize yourself in the mirror? He's still ghosting you and talking to some brunette online that has the figure you once did..

Nobody will ever be enough for a narcissist. It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like. They will always be looking for their new supply.

Platipus6 · 2021-08-28T21:22:11+00:00

The 4 E's.

Empathy Deficit - unable to accurately guess what you're thinking or feeling and doesn't care to. can only project his thoughts, what he'd do, what he suspects you're up to (cheating etc) and then that becomes The Truth.

Entitled mindset - I deserve special treatment, deserve to smash boundaries

Exploitation of others - for time, labor, money, services, expertise

Extension of self - you're not an individual, you're a slave/resource connected to him

onceuponasea · 2021-08-28T19:15:57+00:00

Lisa A Romano is a good source to understanding narcissistic behavior.

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-08-28T20:14:14+00:00

I have an ex who displays a lot of the signs of a covert narcissist. Since I’m not a professional I don’t know for sure he’s narcissistic but reading about covert abuse, I realized it described almost exactly what I went through in the relationship.

One thing I noticed early on was when we matched online, he would talk about his interests in really long paragraphs. He went on and on, would just keep talking. He seemed pretty self absorbed, but I also thought he was passionate about his interests so I let it slide. He started out with lovebombing, after three months he told me he could see a future with me, claiming he saw that we would get married one day, said he never felt the way he did about me with anyone else, he did a lot of future faking too. He’d talk about getting an apartment together next year, getting engaged once he got his master’s degree. But after several months, the compliments and reassurance started getting less and less. I brought up my concerns to him, at first he said he’d do better and then his lovebombing came back for a little bit then he’d revert to his old ways when he felt like he got me back again. The cycle would repeat where I’d express my concern, he’d change, then revert back. Rinse and repeat. I was left exhausted. Then eventually a couple months before he discarded me, he started gaslighting and turning issues around to make me look like the bad person.

One memorable concern I brought up to him was that I noticed he deleted a bunch of videos on social media, including the ones he made about me or mentioning me. I asked him why he deleted them and he lashed out at me accusing me of being too attention seeking and that I shouldn’t expect him to show he loves me through social media, that he doesn’t declare his love through social media, he does it through his actions and in person. So he shut me down when I’d bring up concerns to him from then on. I felt scared to question him in fear of looking “too needy” and in fear of him lashing out at me and criticizing me.

Then right before he discarded me he told me he felt like he had to walk on eggshells around me and that he said I overanalyze every single thing he does and that he couldn’t handle it, I was too much for him. He also used my anxiety disorder as a weapon against me, saying my anxiety was getting really bad and that I needed to go to therapy, I had some issues, etc. He said he felt like he was the victim made me feel like I was abusive. So you aren’t the narcissistic one, real narcissists make you think that. My most likely covert narcissist ex ended up finding a new supply less than a month after we ended things, we dated almost a year too.

carmen_sandiegos_hat · 2021-08-28T21:08:41+00:00

Future faking

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revengeofgivingtree · 2021-08-28T21:37:37+00:00

Makes things a bigger deal than they should be, lots of emotional responses. Brought you fries but you put them in the fridge to eat later? Bitching that you're ungrateful.

Can't find anything nice to say about somebody they dislike.

When problems arise, they aim to "win" not to "solve"

Title	Quick question: what are some narcissistic traits?
Author	torabull
Upvotes	34
Comments	20
Date	August 28, 2021 6:17 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pdeyga/quick_question_what_are_some_narcissistic_traits/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/quick-question-what-are-some-narcissistic-traits.1065763 https://theredarchive.com/post/1065763

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