Rebuilding after trauma

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-07-13T23:26:11+00:00

Trauma therapy. Find a good psychologist who specializes in trauma therapy.

Edit: Especially for sexual trauma I recommend a female psychologist.

mamadgaf · 2021-07-13T23:50:08+00:00

Therapy helped me a lot. My therapist explained to me how abusive my ex-husband is. That lead me to educate myself and realize he is a covert narcissist, which helped me understand his behavior towards me. This lead me to realize that I’m codependent and the family history that lead me to an abusive relationship. All of that lead me to heal and process what I’ve been through. That journey has lead me to FDS.

Keep educating yourself, focus on healing and healthy habits. In addition to therapy, online support groups have been very helpful to me. There have been a few books, podcasts, videos, and blogs that have been helpful as well.

Keep focusing on healthy habits and healing!

huevos_and_whiskey · 2021-07-14T00:22:38+00:00

Gratitude and meditation pulled me out of a series of nervous breakdowns as my marriage was imploding. My ex became severely psychologically abusive and it ~~almost~~ sent me over the deep end. Scratch that - it did send me over the deep end for a while there. Meditation helped me get clear on what I needed to do (leave) and it helped me be less reactive when he’d start in on me with his bs. Focusing on gratitude, even for the tiniest things, helped me not give up.

goldspotzingthing · 2021-07-14T05:31:51+00:00

I send you all gratitude and affection for taking time to respond to me and help me out. I am going for therapy too and EMDR (which has made a noticeable difference), But sometimes I am not sure if the therapy is going the right direction. It has been a few years since I have been going and sometimes I wonder whether this is a permanent arrangement. Is there ever going to be an end to therapy and EMDR? I bleed $$ on therapy and yet I don't think I have recovered. My therapist listens carefully and has been supportive. But they don't speak things directly. I was in an abusive domestic partnership for sometime due to a variety of reasons. She never explicitly told me or even suggested that I should leave. I needed courage and someone to tell me directly what I already knew in my head but could not take action and do. Now reflecting back on it I wonder why she was hesitant to say things as they were. My career has suffered tremendously and sometimes I despair if I can ever be my original successful self. Makes me wonder how do people turn their lives around and find a new chapter that gives them fulfillment and happiness? I am also bothered by the trolling and cruelty that I faced on DMs due to this post. The violence of my ex bothers me since they are highly successful at my cost whereas I am still picking up shards of my life. It becomes disorienting and disheartening. My family is too messed up to be a dependable source of support.

MissouriBlue · 2021-07-14T07:36:48+00:00

I’m older. And very isolated. I know nobody around here. Closest town is 20 minutes away and has a population of 900 people.

Enjoy your solitude and focus on yourself.

At work, stay tight lipped about your recent struggles. If you have to divulge anything, keep it short: “Buster has moved out. It was for the best.” followed by “I’d rather not discuss it now.” and if necessary, “No thank you, but I appreciate the offer to discuss it.”

I am focusing on my health, my home, and my employment. Those three take up a large amount of your free time, if you’re getting a solid 8-hours of sleep each night.

Pamper yourself.
Focus on good food and meal prepping.
Go through each room and clean, declutter, organize, maybe paint, maybe decor, whatever — room by room.
Prioritize your health. Line up all your forgotten checkups.
Spend 15-30 minutes each day in the sunshine. I stand on the porch and stretch, meditate, contemplate my navel, listen to the cicadas, whatever, nothing.
Enjoy yourself before bed at night. Soaky bath. Candles. Music. Lotion. Massage. Masturbate if you feel the need. Weighted blanket for comfort. Get a good night’s sleep. Allow enough time to actually get a full 8 every night.

And if your therapist isn’t grooving along for you, don’t feel bad about picking a different one and moving in a different direction.

fitecows · 2021-07-14T05:08:35+00:00

Just wanted to comment on the therapy aspect and the importance of a female therapist. I’ve been going to therapy (group, individual, and now trauma based) for over 25 years. Both male therapists I had in this time did nothing, and one was out and out attempting to flirt with me and tried to reach out after he got fired from our group therapy. Only ONE female therapist I found no redeeming qualities in (she suggested a therapy treatment involving fighting my way out of what was essentially a sleeping bag because I was cesarean and needed to complete the birthing process to process my traumatic childhood???). Every other woman has been (in my experience) capable, compassionate, and at least believed/validated me and helped me find healthy coping methods if nothing else.

lezbeeanne · 2021-07-14T03:06:24+00:00

I second the therapy recommendations, also be careful of maladaptive coping strategies. You got this.

shelballama · 2021-07-14T01:21:02+00:00

Others here have already suggested therapy, so I'm just giving examples of what I did personally, which did not involve a therapist (at the time, I had awful insurance).

I hit the gym. I spent a lot more time with friends and doing hobbies I enjoyed. I went for walks, went out and made new friends. It took a long time to get over that pain and even a fraction of the anger, but it gets way easier. Once you start having a self-minded recovery, and focus on your own life, it's much easier to excel at work and personally.

If you can afford to, I recommend a self date weekend; take yourself out to dinner with a book/kindle, go watch a movie, get your hair cut and colored and a nice Mani/Pedi to feel refreshed, pick up a gym membership and go, make some fancy ass breakfast, soak in a tub with some bath salts and bubbles and candles and a face mask you buy at the store, go for a nature walk with some music, really romance yourself; but out of the house. Get some sunlight. Drink lots of water.

I felt better immediately after ditching my horrific ex, and these also worked to help me through his subsequent posting of revenge p*rn

goldspotzingthing · 2021-07-14T02:59:40+00:00

I can't believe what just happened. Someone sent me a DM here calling me an "incel" for this post. The post has already received several down votes while I was reading the responses from FDS members. What's wrong with people?! Who are these creatures?

dancedancedance7 · 2021-07-14T05:55:08+00:00

You can do this. The trauma doesn't define you, it's just crappy circumstances. What defines you is how you handle yourself in the aftermath. And you're stronger than all that.

I think the answer to how to overcome these things is specific for every situation, because the situation is what needs facing. For example, if you had a massive failure at something, you need to try again, even if you start very small. You have to be very honest about which part was your responsibility and which wasn't. Taking on too much or too little is not the way to go.

Find others who overcame that trauma. Many people either haven't lived through the real shit, haven't built up the strength to face it, or won't want to be real about it, but they're out there and often they're the people you respect the most even if you don't know their story. Become that person!

lifesok · 2021-07-15T03:37:22+00:00

I have some specific habits I’ve been working on because of trauma. I try to find safe ways to encounter them and just keep at it. Some are harder then others to break.

For specific ones I have: - I don’t like being touched and actually dodge contact unconsciously. So I started getting weekly massages. I signed up at a massage school and they do a before interview where you have to ASK for what you want. They check in all of the time during the massage and after they do an exit interview where you have to critique them, TO THEIR FACE. This actually hits on multiple issues for me.

when I’m reliving memories I really struggle with taking care of myself and my home. So I started this “might as well” attitude. I’m eating because I have to, not because I want to, might as well be veggies. I’m sitting on my couch, might as well straighten the pillows. I’m sitting on my bed, might as well pull the covers up and straighten them.
I always get told I walk super fast, so I adopted this old dog and we meander around instead of power walking from point A to B.

cervaNera · 2021-07-14T12:44:22+00:00

My ex was allergic to a particular type of food that I L O V E D -

But when I finally got away from him & broke it off… I spent the entire week after eating this food every single D A Y. Every bite was uplifting and reminded me that I was finally free.

notthatkindofdoctorb · 2021-07-14T18:18:05+00:00

I agree with everyone saying trauma therapy but wanted to add a few personal details since my life fell apart a few years ago and I've been able to rebuild. It's important to remember that you can and you will get through it. Two things worked for me: prolonged exposure therapy for specific traumatic events and ketamine infusions that finally cured my depression and allowed me the mental space to rebuild. Different things work for different people so the important thing is to keep trying until you find what works for you. Don't settle for doctors telling you that you have to accept a lower quality of life than you deserve. It's pretty hard to start rebuilding until you find a way to manage the trauma or other mental health issues, but try setting small goals for yourself. What would it take for you to feel safe again? For me it was improving my financial situation by doing a better job at managing my money. I also changed jobs to one that was not a toxic environment. And then I kind of coasted and let myself heal for awhile. I realize those things are easier said than done but try to identify some manageable priorities in your life. Be compassionate with yourself and focus on meeting your own needs right now.

questionsaboutrel521 · 2021-07-15T14:49:41+00:00

It happened to me. I picked myself up and moved where I didn’t know a soul after my horrible divorce and abuse situation.

I think the biggest thing is a mindset shift. I changed my mind and said: “I deserve the best of everything.”

I started buying stuff for my house so that it could be a nice place that was MY style. I started planning on how I would replace my car, as my old car was getting up in years. I let men treat me. A man I dated very briefly said that he wanted to find me an appliance for my new house. The old me would have tried to stop him or felt obligated to stay with him past the relationship’s natural end. The new me just said, “If he wants to, let him.” I got a dog. I started working out more consistently. I deserve it.

The second thing I did was to really, truly, put myself out there. I had always heard from people of course about how it’s hard to make friends as an adult and had experienced that in my 20s myself, using my high school and college friends and trying to fill in with my romantic relationships. In this new place, I had NO crutches because I was completely starting over. I had no family in the area, and not a single friend. I said I WOULD go to every new committee, to volunteer opportunities, to community events that just seem kind of cool. And yes, it’s really uncomfortable to put yourself out there that much. It takes a lot of practice and it’s easy to shy away from. But I knew relationships were valuable and I wanted to pursue them.

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Title	Rebuilding after trauma
Author	goldspotzingthing
Upvotes	133
Comments	37
Date	July 13, 2021 11:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ojrib1/rebuilding_after_trauma/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/rebuilding-after-trauma.790709 https://theredarchive.com/post/790709

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