Recovering from narcissistic abuse.

helena939392 · 2022-01-12T08:16:04+00:00

It's difficult, ngl. I can relate a lot with the impact on every aspect of my life. My mother has some severe narcissistic traits and my entire life until I moved out, was me and my father walking on egg shells around her. She was and still is violent, has anger management issues and is very controlling. She also loves to use her power to see how much she can get away with and has made me apologize to her in the most absurd situations, which included her using raw violence against me (because of my own fault, of course). This has also lead me to a relationship with a pure covert narcissist, who was a manipulative, machiavellist serial cheater and also beat me up several times. Fortunately after this relationship it has been very easy to spot these traits in people and protect myself.

I'm getting married in August and I still have CPTSD from my "previous life". I am trying to be the best version of myself, and I'm getting into therapy now so I can leave the baggage behind. At this point, it's very difficult, as you might know: narcissistic abuse really changes your character and your actual brain structure. My fiancé has been very understanding and supportive, which makes me feel warm inside yet guilty for having severe trust issues and fear with men. Have you looked into any kind of therapy? I have heard short term intensive therapy can help with PTSD.

My narc ex also had a kid with his ex, and one of the main reasons why I left in the end, was seeing the way he treated his baby mama and the child. It was a clear indicator of how awful family life with him would be, not to mention all of the abuse towards me. I'm very happy I didn't end up in that situation.

kinkardine · 2022-01-12T10:05:12+00:00

Please get the book ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ by Lindsay H Gibson. Sending you a big hug from another narc parent survivor! It only gets better with boundaries, not sure if you can install physical boundaries but try to install boundaries for them in your mind, emotion, and most importantly your information. Do not give them power to ruin the part of your life they cannot control, all they need is control over your energy and time. I found I used to let their previous actions toward me haunt me even when they were not with me- you need to isolate those, cause if you remember and run it through your mind again it is you replaying the damage in your mind with greater magnitude, it’s not them anymore. So be careful of that.

zorua · 2022-01-12T08:52:19+00:00

I actually cannot begin to imagine how it was to be raised by one. I am so sorry.

Davina33 · 2022-01-12T10:28:50+00:00

I can relate. My mother is a narcissist and my stepfather a drink addicted abusive piece of shit. My mother didn't see me as her daughter but as her competition and fucked me up. I have permanent health problems because she starved me, I wouldn't get to eat for days at a time. I'm no longer her supply and she tried to ruin my reputation. Thank goodness I have pages after pages of evidence from Social Services of the shit they both put me through.

I've had so much therapy. CBT and DBT are very helpful. I'm supposed to be having EMDR for PTSD as well. I hear it's very good.

As long as you're willing to look at your own flaws and work on them, you're not a narcissist. My mother is not capable of that. Seventeen years I was under her control and it will take a lifetime of work to undo that damage.

the-cool-hedgehog · 2022-01-12T13:12:28+00:00

I thoroughly agree about the importance of vetting especially looking out for this aspect. I nearly married and started a family with a narcissist. Several years have gone by and I'm still recovering, unbelievable how deep run the cuts they leave. Haven't been able to let anyone near me since and don't know when and if ever it will happen. I have since then often listened to Halsey's "You should be sad" and the line "I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you" strikes me every time anew. I am truly grateful that didn't happen, and not even for me but for the kid that they would have fucked up more than I would know. I'm wishing you well and hope it will get easier for you. You are worthy and amazing whatever narc's tortured soul have made you think otherwise.

Catz10000 · 2022-01-12T15:31:24+00:00

Can relate. Years of abuse from my narc mom and her enabling partners. I truly believe she wore down my dad so he died early.

My stepdad also passed of cancer a couple of years ago after a 2 year battle. She would not let him be alone with anyone to say goodbye. She had to control every interaction. Punched me in the face in front of him on his deathbed because I saw him early one morning without her.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, she talked about needing to buy a new couch to change her living room. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I went at her request breaking my no contact. And she refused to accept what the doctor said. Never was there for any of my chemotherapy or appointments. Expected me to take her to hers and sit with her. Resents the hell out of me because hers is terminal and I have made a complete recovery.

These things sound horrible to normal people because they are. For me, it's just another fucking Wednesday. Have gone no contact for my and my kids' sanity.

Hugs. Doing the work is hard and unfortunately you aren't alone.

showmewhoiam · 2022-01-12T08:56:42+00:00

I feel you. Being raised by my father seriously damaged me. Although I try to find out any narcistic tendencies as soon as possible, I have to admit at first, I feel attracted to them. Its just what feels normal to you. I especially like the 3 month rule from FDS. Lots of man cant keep their act together for thar period of time. Good luck to you!

waiting2rise · 2022-01-12T10:48:27+00:00

I can't agree hard enough with u/kinkardine that boundaries are the key. Putting up boundaries with my dad has taken back my power from him in so many ways, big and small. My father is a real piece of work. Controlling, emotionally, verbally, physically, and spiritually abusive- he uses religion to exert control and excuse away his actions, which killed my ability to maintain the faith I was raised in. He was "self-employed" my entire childhood and we scraped by on about 15k a year as a family of five because he was too much of a special snowflake to abide by an employer's rules. We also did not use any public assistance aside because he was too proud for that, and we didn't have insurance, so I had experiences like breaking my ankle at school and having him wrap it in an ace bandage, borrow a pair of crutches from a friend, and call it good. Also had a student at the local dentist college pull a tooth before my anesthesia had kicked in and still have severe dentist anxiety from that. This is all in addition to enduring the more "usual" forms of abuse like hitting, pinning to the ground, restraining, yelling, disrupting sleep, intimidating, etc.

My health has been affected (CPTSD, stress-induced hormonal imbalances, still fucked up ankle and teeth). My financial skills have been impacted. My spiritual life has been impacted. All that, plus having low self-esteem for most of my life and a deep-seated fear of intimacy, especially a fear of my identity being smothered or snuffed out by a partner, has made my relationship history look like a Pick Me Hall of Shame. Thankfully I joined the military at a young age to get the hell out and took advantage of the mental healthcare, imperfect as it was, and have spent the last ~15 years working on all this shit and slowly but surely improving with the help of some amazing care providers, especially my badass female counselor who I adore. I know mental healthcare isn't accessible for everyone, but I really hope you're able to find tools from that toolbox to fix these issues. <3

katiekat0214 · 2022-01-12T15:27:41+00:00

I had a bout with a fragile narc cow-orker (dash in the right place); she was one of three narcs at this one school I worked at. One was benign overall, just very self-involved and a supply/book hoarder. Her I didn't mind, since she wasn't toxic to other adults. Kids came out of her room crying, though, so when she moved on, no one was sorry. The other one was my principal. Under the five years he was at this school, we lost 600 students (over 100 a year), plus a good two dozen teachers and staff. One day, a woman I knew slightly got her transfer, and as a classroom teacher ***left all her supplies*** and booked it out of the parking lot. I was so deep in caregiving, and the school was three miles from home, so I hunkered down like a barnacle attached to ship and would have waited out the narc principal. I did wait out the fragile narc cow-orker; she retired.

I made several "mistakes" from the get-go, and I use the term sarcastically because there was no way to know.

-- I was under a cloud from the moment I was hired, because FNCW (fragile narc cow-orker) wasn't looped in on the hiring interview; she expected to be, and was no longer the department chair and had not been for years, and still expected input;

-- I was hired by the BN (benign narc) because I was experienced and knew the textbook. Looking back, I highly suspect she set me up as a comeuppance for FNCW because she wanted to disrupt FNCW's chokehold on all new teachers and on the department, plus exert her own power in who got hired. With me, she did all that, in one swell foop.

-- FNCW came to me and said she thought she REALLY needed to be my mentor. I laughed and said um, why? I have 15 years experience. You are my co-worker, a collaborator. She seemed visibly annoyed and deflated, and immediately after that, started trashing my rep. Again, so deep in caregiving (late husband Jack declined all seven years I was at this school; the last year, I had The Class From Hell -- just one period but the worst class in 26 years of teaching, including assault with food every day to all teachers, stealing, throwing, would not be quiet and let us talk; ditching, running out of class, fighting in class, and on and on. FNP claimed utter helplessness in being able to move any child, and teachers asked all fall, all spring semester, absolutely hammering admin.

That year, Jack went into the ER four times, and the last time stayed two months in hospital fighting Fournier's gangrene. And FNP (fragile narc principal) not only insisted on observing me for the fourth year in a row, but also insisted on observing the class from hell, who, by the way, were all absolute angels (scammers). They told me later they knew they could do the work, but didn't want anyone to ask much of them. Heartbreaking. Highly suspect there was already in 7th grade drugging and drinking going on. That year's cohort planned fights and videoed them, too, then posted on YouTube.

-- FNCW gossipped about me in a meeting I didn't have to attend. I confronted, and then she REALLY went off on a rampage of smearing my rep. We were a group of three for a grade level meeting, and she deliberately tried to shut me out of conversations. I kept moving my chair to be seen, raising my voice, even slapped my hand on the desk a few times. Petty? You bet. I was absolutely not going to be ignored, overlooked, edged out of a meeting of THREE.

-- I wrote better poetry than her; it was her "thing". I had been published and won awards; I don't think she ever had. I was younger than her, prettier than her. I also had a much larger house in west LA that was worth at least triple what her small bungalow was worth, in a better neighborhood. I knew the textbook, and had been teaching for nearly 20 years. I was married; she was not. She had absolutely no hold on me, no way to get a hook in. She HATED that independence, and that I was doing better than her in life.

-- There's more, and there's always more with narcs. I'm grateful now for being so involved with caregiving that I was oblivious to most of her shenanigans. I kept my nose clean anyway, since the FNP had weaponized people against each other. One time I found a pen from another teacher laying on my classroom table; clearly there had been snooping. I survived; my health took a hit that year. I got through it is about the most that can be said.

Title	Recovering from narcissistic abuse.
Author	europoor24
Upvotes	179
Comments	36
Date	January 12, 2022 7:10 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s204dk/recovering_from_narcissistic_abuse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse.1095736 https://theredarchive.com/post/1095736

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