Reminder: Low effort boyfriends evolve into low effort husbands

Ms_Tilly · 2020-02-16T14:14:14+00:00

It's not that he doesn't understand or doesn't get it, it is simply that he doesn't CARE. Not about her wants or her needs. He's comfortable the way things are and would only change a tiny bit for a tiny amount of time if she threatened to leave. But when she hands him the divorce papers one day he'll be "blindsided".

surviveIIthrive · 2020-02-16T13:47:40+00:00

Liiiiiisten!!! Shit like this makes me so happy I’m single! Wow. Majority of married women I meet are in this situation. So when ppl pressure me not to be picky this is what I try to remember! They’re sort of resigned to the way things are. They are miserable. They don’t feel like they have any other options esp once they have kids. What a way to live!! And yet they are quick to tell single women not to be picky! Nah sis, you can keep it!

daglowup · 2020-02-16T12:28:23+00:00

This is why we don’t marry potential. Assume no human being on this planet is capable of fundamentally changing their personality “blueprint”. Not without a lot of inner work and therapy anyway. Which an LVM wouldn’t do.

whycantweallgetal0ng · 2020-02-16T12:05:35+00:00

More sad stories in the comments, including a woman who divorced her lvm after 40 years because she couldn't take it anymore.

TheOGJammies · 2020-02-16T13:40:27+00:00

She’s discovered the second shift.

letsberealforamoment · 2020-02-16T17:23:25+00:00

I'm a solution oriented person so what can these women do to get some immediate relief? Where is the low hanging fruit?

For one, his family is HIS PROBLEM. Their birthdays, their events, their dramas, their....everything. He can get cards and presents and arrange plans for his family. He can do it all whatever it is that she is doing right now in "managing" his family.

Stop doing his laundry. There is no excuse for her to do it. If his clothed pile up, throw them in the garage. Out of sight out of mind.

Stop asking what he wants at the grocery store. If he cares enough and pays attention, he will tell you what he wants. If not, one less thing to worry about.

Stop pushing him to participate in family things. Make plans for yourself and the kids. Tell him once and offer him ONCE to go. Then get ready and leave when the time comes. If he is still sitting on his ass, his loss.

jeanneeebeanneee · 2020-02-16T14:15:43+00:00

Wow, I could have written this verbatim 7 years ago... He's not going to change sis, he's only going to get worse. Get out now.

umbralgarden · 2020-02-16T16:41:05+00:00

I got sick and tired of always planning dates and picking out places so I made my boyfriend do it for a few weeks so we'd have some place to go each Friday. For context my bf LIKES paying for dinner so price isn't an issue. Told him it had to be a nice cool trendy or delicious/interesting restaurant. You know, a place for young people, where we can wear cute stuff, there's tons where we live.

He had all week to do it, all he had to do was look at photos on yelp, look at the menu to pick out what HE can eat (he's incredibly picky), and maybe make a phone call for reservations. He did it for a few weeks but he said it stressed him out so much and made him miserable and he hated doing it so so much. Going online/look photos/read menu/call= Things that are exactly the same as ordering pizza which he does once a week for himself too.

Even with all of that practice he's never once done it on his own and I'm always the one planning or having ideas for the next anything. He'll never pick anything new.

Just stop trying. Full stop. Don't do more work. Wait until he asks where you going and tell him what's up or I guess he never will and then you can leave.

Toomanyprollems · 2020-02-16T17:19:22+00:00

A few months into my last relationship I realized that I was doing all the work. My ex refused to plan anything without my input and I was exhausted by month 3 with planning dates and activities.

I told one of my girlfriends that I just wanted to be "wisked away" once in a while and she said that that was unreasonable so I continued to do 85% of the planning and handhold him during his contributions. Never again.

I asked him if we could "take turns" planning dinners and dates and he countered that we should plan everything "together." This was a collosal drain on my energy and life force and I stopped having time for my own stuff in maintaining the relationship. It resulted in me just planning everything because the work involved in planning dates and dinners together was so much more work than just planning it myself. It sounds equitable but it's actually extremely inefficient. This is a boundary in future relationships I will set HARD. We take turns planning and bond during the events and dates we plan. Also, I will plan one date, event, or dinner for every 4-5 that he plans, especially early in the relationship. Because if he wants me he has to work harder than I do up front because my love is the good shit and I know it.

QueenUp · 2020-02-16T13:10:53+00:00

What surprises me is that she is surprised. Did she expect him to change after they got married? After they had a kid?

CeriseNoire · 2020-02-16T15:36:36+00:00

No wonder "fitmomma" is so fit when she's constantly running around doing everything. But for real, I mean...yeah no shit. Problems you have without a kid or kids will amplify when you bring them into it.

sadpourtoujours · 2020-02-16T17:33:29+00:00

Yep, that’s why you set the precedent from the beginning that you won’t be the aggressor. Don’t plan anything, don’t chase, don’t do the work. That’s his job.

mountainsbythesea · 2020-02-16T17:19:41+00:00

I don't know how you live in that situation and not realize he doesn't give a fuck. She is asking for so little and the douchebag won't even give her that. He didn't even try.

Somehow he just doesn't get it

Oh, sweetheart.

extraacct1234 · 2020-02-16T18:26:17+00:00

And this is why we make the man plan the dates, contact you, do all the work to prove that he can and he's interested enough in you to step up.

jmaydizzle · 2020-02-16T20:01:19+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Reminder: Low effort boyfriends evolve into low effort husbands
Author	whycantweallgetal0ng
Upvotes	261
Comments	30
Date	February 16, 2020 12:03 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f4ptgp/reminder_low_effort_boyfriends_evolve_into_low/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/reminder-low-effort-boyfriends-evolve-into-low.682356 https://theredarchive.com/post/682356

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