Roll call! HVWs partnered with HVMs: what does your relationship look like?

hopewings · 2020-09-30T00:28:24+00:00

I have been married to my husband for 10 and half years, and we met 11 and half years ago. Yes, we got married quickly. He proposed to me 6 months after we met, and we got married a little over a year after we met. I was kind of broken with a lot of issues, but I got exceptionally lucky.

When I first met him, we were online and several states apart. He had just returned from being in Peace Corps in Ghana, Africa, where he taught math to kids in a remote village. After that, he was doing AmeriCorps and managing a local non-profit to provide computers to underprivileged kids before starting graduate school. He didn't do these things to get into grad school (didn't have to) or to look good to others. He genuinely wanted to do good for the world.

Because we met playing an online game and not through a dating site, we got to know each other in a non-dating context. This was before smartphones were really widespread, so we sent each other a few photos, and the rest of the time we talked through voice. We talked for many hours daily.

I fell for his voice first. He doesn't think he's all that good looking, but he is legitimately the most attractive man I've been with, though I haven't been with many. He is 6 ft tall, curly hair, with eyes that turn green, blue, teal or gray depending on the color of his shirt. Unlike the 7 years older predator ex who started grooming me when I just turned 15, my husband is a few months younger than me. When we met, I was 25, and he was about to turn 25.

He was a smoker. I told him that was a dealbreaker, and that I would never be able to be with a smoker. He took steps to quit immediately, and he hasn't smoked again. That saying, "if he wanted to, he would" applies here.

He dropped the love word within a month of talking to me. He was/is very good with words, intelligent, and charming. Looking back, he could have been a masterful manipulator.

The thing that kept me out of trouble was that I didn't have that many butterflies with him. It felt more like a natural, calming flow with him a lot of the time. He didn't induce anxiety when we talked.

He also shared a lot about himself and was not cagey. I vetted him hard because I had been bamboozled by an abusive liar for many years, and I told him that I was not going to trust easily. He was not offended, and instead he offered proof that he was who he said he was. For example, the ex claimed to play the guitar but didn't even own one. My husband had been playing classical guitar since he was in elementary school, composed some pieces, and sent me videos of himself playing classical Spanish ballads.

When I was around him physically, he felt like home. He was always present, communicative and made my heart feel safe with him. He was so respectful and gentle with me. He never made me feel less than for having stayed with an awful abusive jerk for so long. He was patient and kind through all the times I cried, had nightmares and had to deal with my emotional baggage.

He did not have many partners, never slept around, and was kind of a "prude" in his own words. He was not religious or brought up religious, but there is a strong religious culture where he and his family live. However, he also rejected the sexually liberal counterculture. He told me that for him, sex is a sacred / spiritual connection between two people.

When my husband was in Ghana, he had no internet access, so he did a lot of soul searching, spiritual level up type of things. When I first found out he is not religious but is into spirituality, I was skeptical, because I'd had negative experiences in the past.

He read the entire bible in the time he was abroad. I learned that not long ago and was legitimately impressed. He also drew tarot cards, and he owns a deck. He's more into crystals, meditation and new age stuff than me, and he introduced me to it. This isn't something he goes around revealing to the world. He has a master's in a STEM field and is in the sciences, and that's not the most friendly environment for someone into those things.

He listens to my music playlists with songs that I spent hours curating.

He watches any show or movie I want to watch with him, because he enjoys spending time with me. He enjoys romantic movies and never makes fun of them.

I know all of his passwords, can get into his phone any time, and he is not secretive at all.

He doesn't have close friendships with women ever since we got together.

He got off social media at the very beginning of our relationship. No Facebook profile, never got into Instagram, only a LinkedIn that he uses for work. He doesn't log into reddit and mostly reads the front page news articles.

He is the first to celebrate my successes, and he has always been the one to lift me up, encourage me, and make me feel good about myself. He is supportive of my getting an MBA, not because it'll mean more money, but because he recognizes that I want to do it.

He has a lot of self-awareness and catches himself when he falls into bad habits. He knows his values and sticks to them, and he levels up along with me. When I went vegetarian and then vegan, he was right there with me.

He makes me feel safe, cared for and loved. He's also sweet, loyal, kind and not egotistical. If there is a word for the opposite of toxic masculinity, maybe gentle masculinity? He would embody that.

I didn't think about finances or my husband's earning potential when we got married, because I married for love and was proud of myself for not being a "gold digger." He was still a graduate student and making a small stipend while I was the main breadwinner.

He is a brilliant man, a hard worker and a natural leader, so once he graduated and started working, he received promotion after promotion and quickly surpassed my salary. He is in a director level position and makes twice what I do, before bonuses. His bonus this year is my entire year's salary, and my salary is pretty good.

We're sending the kids to a small class size private school where they get individualized attention from their teachers. We have savings, job stability, maxed out retirement accounts for both our jobs, and don't worry about money. He makes it clear that we're a team, and we make all major financial decisions together.

Now for some potential trigger warning (baby passing):

The first baby I had with my husband was stillborn at almost full term. Then I had a miscarriage around 12 weeks, resulting in a massive uterine infection and my being hospitalized for a week. I could have died of sepsis if they didn't culture the bacteria in time. The infection caused extensive scarring that the doctors told me could affect my fertility.

I was devastated and thought I could never have a baby. You know what my husband told me? That he was just happy I was healthy, and he would be fine if we never had kids -- we could adopt, or we could just be childless. He was going to be right there by my side no matter what. He stayed at the hospital with me. He told me that even though the grief counselor said many couples don't make it after the loss of a child, that we will. I will never forget how he was by my side, so emotionally responsive and sensitive to my every need, in those terrible days, weeks, months and years when I was grieving. He was there for me in my darkest hours.

I hope no one else has to go through any of that, but I say this to tell you that the right man, the man who truly loves you for YOU, will stay with you, child or no child, in sickness and in health. If you are the love of his life, you will know it. He will make sure you never doubt it. He will tell you every day, for the rest of his life.

I know deep down that he is the love of my life. Our relationship is not perfect--nothing is. But it is awesome.

snaxomophone · 2020-09-29T23:46:57+00:00

I'll go first:

I am happily married to a kind, smart, mature, patient, thoughtful and generous HVM. We are childfree and will hit our 5 year anniversary this spring. We both have ambitious and successful careers. I earn more and he does more housework - roughly 70% to my 30%. We met in the early 2010's on Match but lived almost an hour away from each other in different states. We dated for a year, then got engaged and spent 2 years figuring out where to live, planning our intimate but awesome wedding, etc. I chose not to live with him or any man before marriage because I'm fiercely independent, enjoy my own space, and had no desire to share my living space with anyone unless they were worthy of committing to for life. We did spend nearly every weekend together and many weeknights however, to vet for lifestyle compatibility... and because we enjoy each other so much.

Early on, there were green flags. For our first date, he brought me a beautiful bouquet of my favorite flowers, took me to my favorite Thai byob, brought a homemade bottle of my favorite cocktail, and we had really stimulating, deep conversation that I can remember even today. He asked me on a second date before the night was over, and we've been together ever since. He's tall, strong and handsome as hell, and our chemistry is as electric now as it was then. He has supported me through debilitating illness, family emergencies, deaths and two graduate programs. He loves me through his actions and words. Here are some random examples:

I have anxiety-driven insomnia. To help me fall asleep each night, he started something we call "space bedtime stories." Cuddling in bed each night, he tells me about something space related (the physics of black holes, nebulas, space-time, whatever SpaceX has been up to, etc.) It's a perfect balance of abstract and interesting, and helps me drift off to sleep.
Shortly after getting married, I got a big promotion that required me to commute into NYC frequently. I'm from a neighboring state where everyone drives everywhere, and I was nervous about navigating the train system to get into the city. My husband works just outside NYC, so for my first couple of trips into the city he commuted with me, made sure I got to the office safely, and then commuted back in the opposite direction to his own job. That meant a nearly 2-hour commute for him, but he cared about my stress, safety and comfort. Yes, he spoils me lol.
We are always touching. He's so affectionate and gentle with me, it melts my heart. Now that we're both working from home due to Covid, that means daily rubs! We give each other back rubs, foot rubs, head rubs, etc. We cuddle multiple times a day, and it nourishes my soul.
He is a fantastic cook and although he does not crave Mexican food, I do - so he's learned to cook all of my favorite dishes and makes them for me regularly.

I love my HVM.

ellaykim · 2020-09-30T03:26:05+00:00

He makes me feel special regularly with flowers, phone calls, handwritten notes. He pays when he takes me out. He is dependable and considerate of my time.

He makes a six figure salary and owns his own property. He cooks and cleans for himself. He has interests and hobbies and he is very handy around the house which is so sexy. He eats a healthy diet and exercises regularly.

He is very generous in bed and makes sure I orgasm first every time.

When restaurants first began to open up after quarantine, I told him I was taking my two teenage sons out to a nice dinner. When it was time for the bill, they told me “someone else has taken care of the bill.” He had called the restaurant and bought us dinner. And wouldn’t even take credit for it because he didn’t want to create a situation that was awkward with my kids (they had not yet met him).

Speaking of- he is kind and generous with my kids. He takes a genuine interest in them, but isn’t inappropriately friendly with them. He lets me have my time with them and understands that his relationship with them can not and will not be forced.

So far so good. I applied FDS principles from the start with this one, and it’s been a success so far!

kittyopuppy · 2020-09-30T02:31:37+00:00

It’s amazing. We have our challenges, but we are both equally invested in our relationship. We are long distance and I haven’t been able to see him all year due to the pandemic. It’s been hard but we ALWAYS make time for each other. I’m taking 8 college classes and he’s working and despite our busy schedules, we will find any free time to talk and spend time together. We go on skype dates to get lunch and ice cream, we watch movies and play video games together. We talk on the phone all the time, even doing boring things like talking to each other while running errands is nice. He’s my best friend and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner.

I’ve spent all of my life being abused and neglected by men and he’s the first man to treat me with respect and admiration. I feel so safe with him. I don’t lay awake at night wondering his intentions, he makes them clear. I am so used to having to “decode” men and how they feel about me. If you have to do that, then you’re wasting your time. A good man who is interested in you will ALWAYS make time for you. They will be clear, consistent, and concise. That’s such a rarity to find and I’m so blessed to have him.

Mountain_Nectarine_6 · 2020-09-30T03:28:01+00:00

I love reading all of your stories and experiences because this is what I want and unless I get this level, it’s a no from me.

I’m currently in a relationship and I called my boyfriend tonight to talk during my daily walk and our conversation only lasted 7 minutes because he wasn’t putting in much effort. He asked me if he could see me tomorrow. I said no. I was originally going to hang out with him during the week so we could finish watching our tv series but now I’m not going to see him until our date this weekend, and I’m not going to answer his texts. He can call me and talk to me for longer and get me flowers if he wants to hear from me again.

Emma_Lemma_108 · 2020-09-30T14:45:19+00:00

Oh man, I don't even know where to start. My partner is so generous and thoughtful that I honestly find it hard to even keep up - for example he planned out a whole weekend of apple picking, renting a boat on a lake, and antique-buying (then a nice dinner) simply because these are all things I've expressed adoration for in passing and he wants to make me happy. He is an absolute 10/10 in looks and I feel so turned on by him at the most random times! He's a biomed engineer, bodybuilder, and one of the most intelligent, protective, and caring people I've ever met. I could write a book about the small things he does and then another about the big ones. He absolutely makes me understand the phrase "being treated like a Queen."

I make a lot of effort in the relationship, too, but none of it really feels like effort because it comes so naturally. We've certainly faced a lot of challenges circumstantially and we still have a lot to deal with, but we constantly learn from one another and grow as people. We were friends all through college and I dated other people, as did he, but we found our way to one another after we matured a bit and got some life experience. I'm really glad we waited and built a strong foundation of friendship before dating.

I don't know if we'll be able to marry one day or not - he has repeatedly expressed his desire to do so, but due to family and cultural expectations it is very challenging for us both - but regardless of all that I am just so grateful for this relationship and all that it brings to both of our lives. We truly are partners and help one another to be our best, most successful selves. Don't settle for less, sisters.

AlyssaXIII · 2020-09-30T09:23:46+00:00

I'll add my 2 cents here:

I met my fiance about 2 years ago. He's an amazing man. He takes care of me, he loves me, he's always willing to "work" on us. He had some trouble expressing his feelings when we first met, and he's gotten a ton better as we've discussed it. Now when we have an issue or he has a concern we sit down and we talk about it. Actually talk. No yelling, not fighting, just "Hey I've noticed lately that you've been slacking on your half of the chores, whats going on?" And its always with a care for me. Its never "Youre lazy, that's a womans job, pick up your slack" its always "Are you okay? Have you been stressed lately? Whats the reason behind the change and how to we fix it?" We're always a team. He always tells me AND shows me he loves me. He's brought me flowers, chocolates, takes care of me. AND he calls me on my BS. He's not a doormat, he doesn't always give me my way when I'm wrong, he's absolutely my equal in every way and he treats me like an equal. But like an equal he cherishes and values. Hes my absolute best friend and I cannot wait to marry him. He always has my best interest at heart, and the best interest of our relationship right behind that. Hes a good man, in every sense of the word.

Rockypoo13 · 2020-09-30T16:54:01+00:00

One particular thing that made me appreciate him was that he helped my mom move. There weren't many of us, either, so it was a ton of work. The HV thing about it was that I didn't even have to ask. I mentioned that my mom was moving at the end of the month and he immediately asked me: what time should he be there and if he should go borrow a truck to help us out. 9 AM move-in day, there he was, eager and ready to go.

There are more wonderful things about him, but that in particular stood out to me at the time. Doing all that work, unprompted, and with enthusiasm for not even me, but my mother, it really showed me more than the dates, gifts, and kind words how much he cared about me.

RabidWench · 2020-09-30T03:48:22+00:00

Disclaimer: I met my husband long before FDS was a glimmer in anyone's eyes, but my mother is a staunch feminist and yellow dog Democrat, and raised me to take no shit. Despite this I have had my pickme moments, though never with my current husband. I outgrew those rapidly after my first marriage, believe me.

I met my husband 23 years ago, online. We were initially just friends, meeting in the early days of internet chat room. He asked if he could could take me out to a movie, just as friends and I said yes because I really wasn't looking to date anyone at that time. I had recently graduated high school, and was just looking forward to a long summer at the pool. Well, he showed up at my door and we were both a bit thunderstruck. There were no avatar pics in those days lol. He instantly changed his tune and asked if we could make it a dinner date and I accepted.

We actually separated when I went to college, and there is a long story there, but when I came out the other side of my first marriage (to a sweet but hopeless manchild) and was looking at what to do with the rest of my life, he was right there offering to help. He instantly offered me a home without strings attached, put me through nursing school, does all the child care, homeschooling, plus his own business on the side (especially now the kids are older). He has been a relentless supporter of my dreams and has raised (and adopted) my kids from my first marriage plus our kids together, and has never made me feel anything less than amazing.

I have had some serious down moments this year, being stuck apart from him and the kids due to travel restrictions (we live abroad and I do short contracts and go home. NOT THIS YEAR 😭) and he has been so supportive and encouraging and offered to bring everyone back stateside if that's what I needed for my mental health. I couldn't beg for a better supporter.

Also, I don't cook. Like, ever. 😂

veruscka · 2020-09-30T12:51:33+00:00

I love this thread! I want to hear all the HV love stories

princessnomomenoke · 2020-10-01T21:24:32+00:00

I've been with my HVM fiance for three years now, We've been through good and bad times, seen eachother at our worst and best and I can safely say I know him and who he really is. I only learned about the HVM vs LVM concept recently by discovering this sub, and the more I read the more I started appreciating the man I'm with.

So here are my experiences and why I think he's truly high value:

He's always respectful, even when he's stressed, angry or frustrated. He has never spoken to me in a disrespectful way, never calls me names, and respects all my boundaries. He also respects himself and his own boundaries.
He's ambitious and passionate about his work, he sets professional goals for himself and is dedicated. Without being a workaholic, he keeps a healthy work balance. He plans for the future, invests his money wisely instead of spending it on frivolous things. He owns his house and taught himself all the skills necessary to renovate it, like woodwork, construction, plumbing etc.
He's not into gaming, hunting or watching sports.
He has excellent hygiene, and it's been consistently like that for three years. Always smells nice and clean, showers daily, takes care of his hair and skin. His clothes are clean and fit his body and style. He's open to my suggestions regarding skin care and doesn't find it emasculating. His bedsheets are always fresh, he cleans his house once a week, does dishes every day, cleans his toilet, no hair in the sink ever...
His house is cosy and looks like an actual adult lives there, lots of books, and plants, nice furniture, tasteful art...no toy collections, no elaborate gaming set-up, no mancave.
He can cook and makes healthy meals for himself every day, and cooks for me when I'm over there. And it's really good! He also makes bread, and bakes cookies and pies.
When he drinks, he always drinks moderately, I've never seen him drunk. Doesn't do drugs.
He has a good relationship with his family, they're close but in a healthy way. He's good with children and animals, he babysits his sister's babies regularly and it's adorable, he's so kind with them.
He has well developed empathy, he's kind but not a doormat, he's nurturing, he's a good listener and is emotionally available. He's open about his emotions and knows how to communicate them, he's never passive-aggressive, doesn't play games, doesn't gaslight or dismiss my feelings. He's open to criticism, doesn't get defensive but will take it on board and use it to better himself.
He takes care of himself: goes to the gym two to three times a week, goes to the doctor when something is wrong physically and to a therapist if it's a mental health issue. He's always improving himself.
He builds me up and stimulates me to be the best I can be, he's happy and proud of my achievements and never tears me down or makes me insecure. He compliments me a lot, tells me I look beautiful whether I'm all dressed up or when I'm in joggings with no make-up on. He makes me feel desired and beautiful every day, even after three years. He doesn't care about my shaving preferences, and finds me equally attractive when I'm hairy ;) as long as I'm clean. He also compliments my actions and personality, he notices little things I do and expresses his appreciation.
He's affectionate and we cuddle or give eachother massages without expecting it to lead to sexual activity, which makes me feel safe. He's a very considerate lover, cares about my pleasure but also doesn't pressure me to orgasm. He has a take charge attitude in bed but is never aggressive or dominating, he will check in with me during sex, is tuned in to my body language and respects my sexual boundaries. Never pressures me into sex or sulks when I don't feel like it.
He is a good friend to his friends, has several close friendships with both men and women. He has introduced me to all his friends and they are great people. He's friendly but appropriately distant with his exes. He never demonized his exes, he talks about his previous relationships in a mature way, and takes responsibility for his mistakes.
He doesn't watch porn, at first I didn't believe him but turns out he really doesn't, he gave me access to his computer and phone without me even asking. I can also tell by the way he treats me in bed that he hasn't been tainted by porn ideas. He was never interested in one night stands or casual sex, never did online dating.
He talks about me positively behind my back, like to his friends, and he avoids men who have a habit to talk about their girlfiends or women in general in a derogative way.
He takes care of me when I'm sick, comforts me when I'm down, and has helped me through some difficult periods.

I truly appreciate him and I treat him the same way he treats me, HVM actually get better in longterm relationships, they are true partners. While LVM get worse over time in ltr's.

mscristalconnors · 2020-09-30T00:08:24+00:00

I have three boyfriend on rotation:

My favorite one is super sweet, kind and supportive. He pays my rent and loves to spoil me.

He makes sure I am taken care of and is extremely attentive. He even bought me make up I was talking about!

He will send me food when I am working from home.

He will tuck/cuddle me in bed when I’m tired while at his place.

He always asks me if I want or need anything. He always gets flowers for our weekly hang outs.

He always pays for dinner.

He holds my hand. He always lets me go first.

In bed, he’s extremely giving and will wait until I reach an orgasm before even putting it in.

He is clean, he works out, and he doesn’t play video games.

More: he communicates with me. He never gets angry and takes his time to explain himself. If I need space when upset, he will give me space.

He’s not jealous. He wants me to be fulfilled and does anything he can to make sure I am successful. He understands I am independent with my own mind and body. He lets me go out and have friends.

He doesn’t have toxic views on women and believes in being the provider.

He just spoils me!

BlondeBeginning · 2020-10-04T11:19:54+00:00

Saving this thread so I can read it when I feel hopeless. Thank you for sharing your stories, ladies :’)

Title	Roll call! HVWs partnered with HVMs: what does your relationship look like?
Author	snaxomophone
Upvotes	130
Comments	34
Date	September 29, 2020 11:44 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j2b0v1/roll_call_hvws_partnered_with_hvms_what_does_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/roll-call-hvws-partnered-with-hvms-what-does-your.283262 https://theredarchive.com/post/283262

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