This kind of thinking does need to stop.

masalamermaid · 2020-07-04T15:17:31+00:00

It's scary how normalized shitty marriages with lazy participants and chronic abuse (emotional and mental) are.

jinxyseb · 2020-07-04T15:55:17+00:00

If you grew up with parents constantly fighting, belittling each other, and generally hating each other then this is even easier to pass as “normal” relationship stuff. I read on the relationship advice sub once that a woman and her husband were going to couples therapy and he was asked why he always yelled at her and was so combative. He responded that he had never given it much thought, that’s just how it was when he was growing up.

Alybank · 2020-07-04T16:27:59+00:00

One of my friends who has a HVM husband, says they “don’t fight” at first I was like “yeah...okay.” Especially that I saw them have a small disagreements. And soon I realized, they don’t fight. They have disagreements. The idea of “fighting” doesn’t happen in their marriage.

ginnnnie · 2020-07-04T15:47:52+00:00

Literally people slap this on a relationship to justify the shittyness . Not OK.

sadcello · 2020-07-04T19:36:56+00:00

Having a disagreement is healthy, having a fight for every disagreement is toxic. This is why women should demand maturity, emotion control and communication skills from their man because without any of those, it's impossible to voice a concern without him making it into a fight. From what I've observed, most of the time it's the man who feel attacked when his girlfriend voices a concern so he verbally attacks her, which makes her defensive and may launch an attack back.

I've learned to just laugh at any man who try to attack me. "I'm only voicing a concern, if your immediate reaction is to feel attacked and feel it's so unfair, you're clearly not mature enough to continue this relationship. Thank you for everything, goodbye." And blocked forever. It really grates on their nerves when they know their attacks don't work and their existence matter so little. I'm never going to do any emotional labors for those menchildren, grow the fuck up yourself.

Throw away any man you can't communicate/reason with. For me that's one of the biggest NO and biggest red flag, on par with narcissism and misogyny.

iraqlobsta · 2020-07-04T18:04:12+00:00

Fighting isn’t just normalized it’s been grandfathered into our culture as “the way it is” for centuries.

Imo all lvm and nvm use their “natural antipathy” toward women to seed all aggressive, negative, disrespectful and ultimately selfish behavior. They believe women are always gonna be their enemy in one way or another so therefore her intrinsic value is sex, women’s work and children. Men literally hate fuck and shit their own nest because essentially they are kings ruling in misery of their own making. And that’s enough for vast legions. Life’s tough. It’s a b*tch and then you marry one.

Women have their own counterproductive thinking. They martyr and mother. They reinvent, wishfully think and believe the best. They submit. They maneuver their men. They pick fights they can win. They stay until the stagnation and everyday drudgery of resentment becomes intolerable.

It’s interlocking reciprocating drama built on cares too much and cares too little that no amount of love cures. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy if the best you can expect is difficulties.

This is why I no longer give chances. If it feels wrong then it is. I know exactly what follows a neg or a forgotten promise or a snide remark. I know that general happiness is a given -that bickering and ongoing, unresolved antagonism is a cope that props up unrelenting misogyny and systematic patriarchy.

And everytime I see or hear a woman ask what they should think about something a man did that’s not ok - the questioning always comes from this terrible idea that relationships are hard.

For the last couple of years I have reorganized my beliefs about relationships. At first, basically I was too burnt and actually physically unable to allow bad shit men into my life.

And now it’s common sense. People make relationships hard. It’s not that relationships are intrinsically hard.

BasieSkanks · 2020-07-04T17:36:43+00:00

This is so, so true. I had a disagreement (I wouldn’t even call it that) with the guy I’ve been seeing this morning about his communication. I was fully expecting a full blown argument, as that’s what would have happened with my ex FWB. Instead, the guy I’m seeing says “what can I do to make you happier in this situation”? I was honestly floored. We ended up coming to a mutual agreement, and that’s when I realised what “fights” in relationships should be. Two adults coming together and calmly discussing the problem and coming up with a solution together.

notthatkindofdoctorb · 2020-07-04T17:50:16+00:00

I love this. I learned nothing about dealing with conflict growing up because everything was immediately escalated to screaming and hitting. My parents didn't openly argue much but they didn't model any kind of behavior for maturely handling disagreements. My mom would basically pout and my dad would give in. The first time someone I was dating actually listened to what I had to say during a disagreement respectfully and made an effort to understand where I was coming from, I was absolutely shocked. So much of the frustration and anger that I was anticipating just slipped away. I have worked hard over the years to improve my conflict management approaches, so I know I'm far from perfect in this regard. Sadly though, it's rare enough for men to just listen and respond instead of gaslighting or dismissing my words that I still find it surprising when men do that. So basically, someone treating me like an equal human being who deserves to be heard and treated with respect was the high point of that 6 year relationship (and it only happened once or twice, when it was early on and he was still pursuing me, so it was disingenuous). I have no time for men who do that shit now. Whether it's being dismissive or acting like it's "cute" or "feisty" that I disagree, I'm not having any of it.

Pitiful-Implement · 2020-07-04T21:58:50+00:00

My parents were in a weird way a good example for me on this. They were not a love connection or a very compatible couple honestly but there was always a base level of respect between them-there was never screaming,cursing, getting in each other's faces etc in our house. So if two people who are not crazy about each other can maintain a baseline respect then two people who love each other should certainly be able to.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-07-04T22:53:49+00:00

I don’t like to fight, my nature is pretty laid back and indifferent. However, I get irritated when I’m in a one sided relationship. And once I start resenting you there’s not much that can be done to change my way of thinking- you have to change or I’m out.

People who don’t clean up after themselves is probably the number one way to make me not like you. It amazes me that people think it’s okay to be dirty or to expect someone else to cleanup after them.

seraphinelysion · 2020-07-04T18:15:02+00:00

I feel like most "fights" happen because men tend to belittle or outright dismiss our feelings, then call us names like crazy or psycho, and then complain about how they don't like "drama." In reality, if they wanted to avoid the "fight" altogether, all they have to do is really listen to us the first time. Have an open discussion about the problem. Stop blame shifting, dismissing, gaslighting, name calling, and complaining. Most "fights" can be avoided if only men would just man up and TALK.

Edit: I just want to add that anyone would go insane when they are constantly dismissed and labeled as crazy. It's so important for people to say what they need to say and to be heard. This is why therapy helps. It's a place we go to be heard.

ms_monquis · 2020-07-04T20:58:30+00:00

I’m one of those people who doesn’t “fight.” If we disagree, we can discuss, negotiate, compromise, or maybe just agree to disagree. And I’m all for spirited discussion! When it’s discussion. (I actually love the feeling of my mind expanding — and being proven wrong or having my mind changed is one of the ways to do it.)

Unless you’re irrationally attacking me, in which case, we aren’t “fighting,” you’re yelling at me and I’m walking away.

You all would not be surprised how many people have tried to use this AGAINST me. Because I don’t scream at people, I’m “always right” or some nonsense. On top of everything else, it’s another thing expected of women, that we be screechy. And when we aren’t? Somehow that’s a STRIKE.

husheveryone · 2020-07-04T14:51:00+00:00

Amen! See also the concept of “Normal Marital Sadism” by Dr. David Schnarch in the marriage counseling literature.

2020-07-04T23:25:19+00:00

I hate the saying “when it’s good it’s good. And when it’s bad it’s baaad.” If the bad is greater than the good it’s not a healthy relationship.

starsheepie · 2020-07-05T00:03:24+00:00

I have always said this & gotten crap for it. I don't willingly fight with anyone. Having a disagreement & discussing it is fine, but I'm not about arguing, & I cut off anyone who is.

bananamilk58 · 2020-07-05T02:36:00+00:00

I needed to see this.

I recently left my long term boyfriend and one of the major reasons was his temper and how he "fought." I walked on eggshells the last year of the relationship. It took me a long time to be true to myself and work up the courage to break up with him. I watched my father yell at my mother growing up and I swore that would NEVER be me. I am frustrated that I didn't leave after the first time.

BobLoblawsLawBlog201 · 2020-07-04T17:07:34+00:00

holy fucking shit YESSSS

eclaire-savoir · 2020-07-05T05:52:36+00:00

I was seeing a fella and we never fought. If we had a disagreement, it would be like “I didn’t like how you treated me in this way,” or “I think what you said could’ve been worded more sensitively.” And then we just built from there. He moved away (as was his plan since before we hooked up), but before he left, he was an amazing person to have around and to teach me that I didn’t have to fight or argue or compete. My ex-husbeast was constantly arguing and competing with me on the smallest things and I got used to that dynamic. The lesson I learned from this sweet fella was that it didn’t have to be that way.

Reimustein · 2020-07-05T13:21:17+00:00

It really should. My boyfriend and I have never had a fight before. But we sure had our fair amounts of disagreements before. Since we never had a fight like that before, I was starting to wonder if this was okay.

Misscuudi · 2020-07-04T20:35:31+00:00

i’m 7 months into my current relationship and my significant other has never even raised his voice at me. i’m in awe because i never thought that disagreements could be had without throwing stuff, yelling or punching the walls (things my ex used to frequently do).

SalSaddy · 2020-07-04T19:41:38+00:00

Yes, and so that normal disagreements don't get called "fighting".

wholeheartedinsults · 2020-07-04T19:43:59+00:00

Faile and Perrin would like to have a word

Title	This kind of thinking does need to stop.
Author	Ms_Tilly
Upvotes	3076
Comments	44
Date	July 4, 2020 2:15 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hl3zcw/this_kind_of_thinking_does_need_to_stop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/this-kind-of-thinking-does-need-to-stop.703789 https://theredarchive.com/post/703789

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