Well so this happened

m4dam3x · 2020-02-20T03:16:05+00:00

Those comments of his about divorce, false rape claims, and greedy women are major red flags and you did the right thing to end it and block.
Your strong visceral reactions (“losing it” “wanting to puke” etc.) are telling of unhealed trauma. Get to work on that for your own peace of mind. Unhealed trauma can ruin good things too.

Edit: also just saw that you told him about your trauma. DON’T do that with the next guys you date. Seek a therapist instead.

RadarFemef · 2020-02-20T05:22:42+00:00

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced so much trauma and upsetting experiences.

You didn’t overreact. Not at all. You didn’t make a mistake, except maybe being overly obliging in your exit text and too polite.

He had also said a few things about "women taking everything in a divorce" but from what I understand his divorce was pretty nasty. So I let those slide.

That’s also a mistake - don’t let remarks like that slide.

Blackishcat27 · 2020-02-20T04:01:58+00:00

No, you didn't overreact. He sounds like he's MGTOW. Stay far away from those guys.

SarcasmSlide · 2020-02-20T04:26:31+00:00

We’re here for you, beloved.

Witchyko · 2020-02-20T05:44:32+00:00

I’m a rape victim too and you did not over react at all. I saw a rape documentary at my college and I left shaking and almost about to vomit. And I cried it was so horrid. Men who sympathize with rapists tends to be because they molested women before (or worse) and they don’t think it’s fair they be punished for a “little mistake”. He probably said that because he’s done that before. And to him, it was the woman’s fault for not making it clearer he shouldn’t have sex against her will. But really, maybe if he wasn’t an asshole, he’d understand boundaries and not put women in situations like that or at least for Christ’s sake ask for consent.

2020-02-20T03:16:53+00:00

The right thing is the thing that keeps your sense of self and safety intact. A man you've been dating 10 weeks isn't someone you have any obligation to try to "make it work" with, especially not some ignorant fool who truly thinks ThE WoRLd iS So sCArY foR MEn because of RaMPaNt FAlSe aCCuSAtioNs and dIVoRcE RApe

Over-reaction would have been, for example, physically assaulting him, which you didn't do. You made your boundary clear and you enforced it by denying him further access to you once he acted in a way that destroyed your sense of safety with him. Whether your threshold for bullshit is lower than others' isn't the issue -- only you can know what you're willing to deal with in a man, and what he gave you wasn't in that list.

MidnightCarp · 2020-02-20T03:21:41+00:00

Jesus, hope you can feel better soon, or at least not acutely hurting! And you already know you did NOT overreact. You're seriously kickass for dealing with this guy so efficiently, and for keeping your standards high after everything you had to deal with in the past.

Also, keep in mind that he has ZERO power over you, even if you told him things you felt made you vulnerable. He can't harm you or violate you, he doesn't matter anymore. Take some time to recover with any calming and comforting activities you can think of, and keep up the good work with keeping shitheads out of your life and making progress in long-term healing.

kaoutanu · 2020-02-20T05:00:39+00:00

It's not your responsibility to educate that guy. He's had his whole adult life to seek out information, listen to other perspectives, and form his opinions. Those are the ones he settled on. Bullet dodged.

VanHustlerBaby · 2020-02-20T03:14:31+00:00

I’m really sorry that happened to you, how awful. I am a rape surviour as well and I can feel your pain. I think some men are just purely ignorant and don’t see how violent other men can really be. I always compare and be like what If someone took advantage of your sister or mother? Are you going to blame them. No,

mandoa_sky · 2020-02-20T05:34:22+00:00

you definitely did the right thing. you need to put your health and your mental health first.

if you're not seeing a trauma therapist, you really should

isuckusuckweallsuck1 · 2020-02-20T04:44:53+00:00

I’m out of breath, I’m so pissed for you. Sweetheart, screw him and that disgusting mindset

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2020-02-20T03:25:48+00:00

I am so, so sorry this happened to you and I completely support you blocking that fucker.

rinabean · 2020-02-20T13:06:41+00:00

He had also said a few things about "women taking everything in a divorce" but from what I understand his divorce was pretty nasty. So I let those slide.

Don't do that again, I think you thinking about this now is you knowing that that was a red flag at the time. There's a difference between having slightly different politics to yours and being an MRA spouting all their big talking points.

You absolutely didn't over react! Absolutely not. You were very upset, and I think most people would have been, but your actions were completely reasonable. I am so glad that you blocked him.

Sometimes men can be good at hiding this shit, I think it's wise to give it a bit longer than a few months to give him plenty of opportunities to let this side of him show, if it's there. It's still not foolproof, it never is, people can be incredibly devious and deceitful, but it gives you a better chance. No, it shouldn't be this hard :(

Liz_Lemondrop · 2020-02-20T10:45:45+00:00

Your intuition is your best defense. Just based on this limited information, I know you did the right thing and I think you know you did, too.

tankkkkkkk · 2020-02-20T10:49:53+00:00

Don't be so hard on yourself... please, stop blaming yourself for not holding it in because you were triggered. I bet neither of you was expecting it. Don't make yourself feel even worse on top of the trauma that you are dealing with.

I think I'd have blown out on him too even if I was never raped or molested, but my ex was such an patriarchy-loving degrading peace of shit that whenever I start hearing some blabbering about how women are the only problem out there and men are saint and great, my insides start to boil.

Believe me, living with such a person is like, idk, hugging a cactus. You kinda want it but damt the discomfort is just driving you crazy.

And I stayed with him for 4 years because I the relationship was initially good and I ignored all the "women belong into the kitchen" jokes.... luckily, when these jokes turned into "I could rape you right now and the law would allow it cuz you're my girlfriend ", we were already breaking up. Now I know that I can never be with a man like this again.

You've dodged a big bullet is all I'm saying. I know it hurts, but it's better to do it sooner than 4 years later. I hope you will find ways to work on your trauma and will get over it soon.

responsiblenatures · 2020-02-20T15:36:17+00:00

You need someone you can feel safe with. That's not him. You did the right thing.

jmaydizzle · 2020-02-20T11:37:51+00:00

I’m know I’m repeating what’s already been said, but I also wanted to let you know that you did not overreact. You did the right thing so don’t criticise yourself for being a strong woman. I’m so sorry for the things that have happened to you.

AdonisBelter · 2020-02-20T15:49:53+00:00

Read the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It really helped me understand with the physical responses I had after being kidnapped and a gun going off at my workplace. I’ve also had “the body keeps score” recommended to me but I haven’t read it.

stRf1sh · 2020-02-20T14:17:23+00:00

I dk about your reaction but I have the feeling you’re not losing anything walking away. You guys don’t sound like a great match. I’m also on the left and I’ve dated guys to the right of me in the past. It was fine but always a bit irritating. My boyfriend now is prob more left than me! Didn’t know that was possible lol. I’m much happier.

hebansnsmsmsm · 2020-02-20T23:48:00+00:00

the way he talked about divorce is a red flag!! Stay away from that mgtoad!

ivy176 · 2020-02-21T00:06:06+00:00

I think you did the right thing.

It REALLY sucks when a guy seems great and then starts expressing sentiments that would belong on the nasty/ignorant side of mgtow or even the nasty side of mens rights.

We all know that abuse can happen to anyone. We know that men are not immune from bad things in life and that men suffer too. BUT men who get it in their heads that most men are taken to the cleaners in divorce or that sexual/physical abuse is just as much of an issue for men - statistically, they're wrong. And no, not just because of men failing to report abuse because the amount if women who don't report rape and abuse is also astronomical.

Trying to bring up men's rights and men's issues on posts that are about women is like white people screaming RACISM CAN HAPPEN TO US TOOO! Like hell yeah, I live in a really multicultural area of Australia where white people can be a minority in certain areas and I have experienced discrimination a few times, BUT I didn't grow up getting teased about my race or my family's culture or being denied education/basic necessities/opportunities or anything like that based on my race. So it'd be ignorant as hell if I used every opportunity I saw to bring up my few bad experiences when people are talking about large scale oppression or negative history of a certain race. But that's what some guys do with rape and abuse discussion.

More women are seriously injured and far far more are killed. These types refuse to believe that sexual assault, rape and domestic violence are common issues for women and instead like to think it's all an exaggeration and the bigger problem is all these false allegations women make, and abuse of men by women, and women being "gold diggers" and women sucking you dry in divorce.

I hear people say that all the time, but myself and SO. MANY. women have experienced financially supporting exes and only losing money in divorce. We also encounter a lot of male gold diggers aka hobosexuals who want to use your resources like have you pay for their food and bills, crash at your place, and he's living there before you realize it. It's not uncommon at all.

It's a huge red flag if a man feels the need to downgrade sexual assault or abuse against women and prefers to bring up the plight of men. HUGE RED FLAG. Because what a lot of people don't realize is that most of these men that beat their wives or drag an innocent woman into an alley and rape and kill her, or set their family alight in a car which is what a man just did here in Australia because his wife was initiating divorce... you know what most of these men are feeling deep inside? Like a victim. They are not all just crazed madmen who have no clue what they're doing or were just born bad and destined to rape and kill people. They are common every day guys who progressively got more and more angry at women, who felt more and more victimized by women, to the point that they felt SO mistreated abd resentful that they decided to be violent. They are not separate different types of human beings, they are often the nice, laid back, jovial and family oriented guys that other guys like and would declare they know their friend would never be capable of that stuff. My ex abused me severely and he was NEVER hot headed around other men, didn't display much of an ego or competitiveness, didn't appear impulsive or like he had an anger problem or any of these stereotypes.

This is just what other men who have never abused a woman don't GET. They think these guys are so different to them but any man is capable of this crap if they go through certain things and indulge in rumination on how women hurt them and that they're the victim and that men need to stand up for themselves.

My ex husband became physically abusive to me (pushing, restraining, punching, everything except strangling) after we'd been together 10 years. The only warning sign I had was that he slowly started to speak more and more about men's rights. He would also say things like women get everything, women have it easy, the world is full of female privilege. I think he'd started to use forums or maybe even reddit and was getting involved in mens rights and redpill type communities, because it wasn't coming from his friends, who he wasn't seeing very often by that point anyway. Besides, they were younger than him, on the music scene, working and going to college - marriage wasn't on these guys radars and they hadn't been burned by women or anything. I never asked him where it was all coming from. I realise now that I didn't ask him 80% of the stuff I ask my current partner. My ex didn't give a shit about me as a human being let alone his wife, and I basically wasn't allowed to say or feel anything. Anyway...

He started saying more of these buzzwords and other anti woman sentiments and that was the biggest red flag of him becoming a wife beater. The stuff he was saying made zero sense because his wife had been 100% supporting him financially for years and was doing all the housework, yet he kept talking about female privilege. I guess that excused him in his mind from his responsibilities because he felt like "women get everything, it's MY turn!", I don't know. I think deep down he felt emasculated by the fact that I was running our life, even though he forced me to with his refusal to work or do anything. In his mind, he started to convince himself that I was the bad guy somehow. He felt more and more like the victim even though he was the abuser from the start. Thinking about it now, he probably felt like I was better than him and that made him enraged and he wanted to bring me down to a lower level. Like if he can't keep up with me and my ability to be an adult, then just tear me down and beat me up. But like I said, saying stuff you'd find on mgtow was the only red flag that someone I'd been with for 10 years was going to start hitting me.

I have another partner now and he's easily angered by abuse towards women and rape scenes. It seems to affect him as bad as hearing someone tortured an innocent puppy or something like that. I was surprised when he acted that way because I was used to my ex who'd say things like "She seems like she's making shit up as she goes" in response to a woman getting interrogated about her own rape in a courtroom, things like that I'd noticed. My partner was wronged more by a woman than my ex ever was and he doesn't say things like that. I've mentioned what some mgtow/red pill posts are like on here and he said "Seems like guys that are just angry they got rejected by women".

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grimreapersdtr · 2020-02-21T00:48:17+00:00

You did the right thing. You stuck up for yourself and Loved yourself first.

Haltthemoon · 2020-02-22T07:08:19+00:00

You did the right thing. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened.

halleberry30 · 2020-05-24T16:02:30+00:00

Thank you for taking care of your own mental health ❤️

Title	Well so this happened
Author	Nearby-Armadillo
Upvotes	276
Comments	44
Date	February 20, 2020 2:59 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f6mex1/well_so_this_happened/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/well-so-this-happened.681975 https://theredarchive.com/post/681975

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