When dating, ask yourselves

miphasgraceful · 2020-12-28T21:15:34+00:00

Does he leave me on read?

Is he someone I’d want my daughter/niece dating?

Do I trust him enough to be vulnerable with him? Is he genuinely vulnerable with me, too?

ManchurianCantaloupe · 2020-12-28T21:06:49+00:00

Am I proud of how he treats me?

A word on this one. If you EVER catch yourself covering up for a man's actions by not discussing them with trusted friends and family because you feel like they "won't understand" or will react negatively RUN, DO NOT WALK away from that man.

Many years ago, I was dating a guy. We were invited to his friend's birthday party. It was at a rooftop bar with a beautiful city view which they had completely rented out. My point is, this wasn't a casual affair. He was wearing a blazer and dress shirt. I put on a nice (but relatively conservative) dress for the occasion. His response when I walked out of my closet? "Wow, you're wearing that? I don't think it's that kind of party." Essentially implying that the dress was too revealing. Now, I was annoyed with him and put on a shorter, tighter dress in response. I should have cut and run at this point, but I didn't. I knew my friends and family would tell me this guy was garbage if I ever mentioned the incident to them, but I was in so deep I had convinced myself that he was actually really sweet and caring and not a complete misogynistic twat.

If you feel anything other than admiration and utmost gratitude for who a man is and the way you are being treated, if you want to tell your friends and family anything other than how wonderful and amazing he is - get the hell out of that situation.

Diamond_fairy · 2020-12-28T21:13:42+00:00

I would add to check if he shares our values on his own or he's just mirroring what we appreciate for the sake of faking a connection in order to faster jump in our bed.

Basically: do not disclose him your deal breakers, especially when it comes to behaviors that he could have behind closed doors in your absence (porn, prostitution, too close friendships with pickmes, questionable use of social media...).

threedotlove · 2020-12-28T21:16:44+00:00

So, funny story about my ex that the emergency contact question got me thinking about:

At 6 months in, I gave him a key to my house. He looked at me and was like: "Why? I will never use this." Red Flag #1. At around a year, I put him into my phone as an emergency contact and told him and he looked at me strangely and asked, "Why? What about your parents?" Red Flag #2. At about 1 1/2 years in (right before we broke up), he was going to take me on a surprise date (I had already figured it out), there was a miscommunication and I ended up at his place while he was on the way to mine. I told him I would come to him, but he told me he would remote unlock the door to his house and I could just go in. I realized that nearly 1 1/2 years in, I still wasn't given access to his place and always had to knock or ring the doorbell to come in. He was quite literally shutting me out of his life and I had been too dumb to see it. Red Flag #3.

Just thought I would share. Vetting really is so, so hard.

randomgirlimok · 2020-12-28T21:26:33+00:00

If you had a flat tire, would he come help you?

Pasdepromesses · 2020-12-28T21:31:33+00:00

If life gets hard, will he stay?

Will we grow old together?

If I lose my hair/get burnmarks/get wheelchair bound/get terrible acne will he stay or is he out the door faster than I can imagine?

Altowhovian93 · 2020-12-28T22:35:21+00:00

Adding:

Does his family (and yours) respect your relationship and boundaries?

Can you trust him with your cat/dog/pet rock/house plant?

Does he respect your passions and hobbies?

MgrofChaos · 2020-12-29T00:53:12+00:00

If your best friend, or female relative you cared about told you the same thing that had happened to you had happened to them, what would you do?

If the answer resembles, "Show up at her house ASAP with a backhoe, a roll of duct tape, and a gag!", time for you to take your own advice and GTFO.

4E4ME · 2020-12-29T03:01:16+00:00

"Does he like the things about me that I like about myself?"

Ie, if you are creative, does he appreciate your crafts or does he think it's a waste of time (while he watches 3 hours of Sports Center every night)? If you are a gamer, does he think you would better serve yourself better by spending all of your free time learning about BitCoin and planning your retirement? If you love to work out but don't care much about housekeeping, does he try to convince you to switch those priorities around?

autumnxo92 · 2020-12-29T03:32:00+00:00

Also handy: him being nice to you pre-sex means absolutely nothing. Men will (and are proud of) faking kindness to get into our pants.

2020-12-29T02:30:22+00:00

This. Meanwhile they are like “she expects me to buy her a coffee, what a gold digger”

ChocolateBiscuit96 · 2020-12-28T21:42:23+00:00

1/5 damn 🙄

GettingOffTheCrazy · 2020-12-29T03:13:29+00:00

My ex husband had one of these - he could be trusted to be my emergency contact. Lmfao.

I can't even...

daisy_0720 · 2020-12-29T12:28:28+00:00

"Am I proud of how he treats me?"

Aaaaand post saved. Thank you. I will be constantly asking myself this question of any man I date moving forward.

Mind-Objective · 2020-12-29T15:42:07+00:00

No, no, no, no.

Oh man did I eff up

Title	When dating, ask yourselves
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	443
Comments	23
Date	December 28, 2020 8:37 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/klygau/when_dating_ask_yourselves/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/when-dating-ask-yourselves.735589 https://theredarchive.com/post/735589

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