What have I learned from my travels in Latin America, Anglo and French speaking Caribbean, Europe, Morocco and UAE?

Men are men. They are just seasoned differently because of culture and socialization. Even when I travel to places where I do not speak the same language or there is a language barrier, men universally know that if a woman is not making eye contact, is not smiling or is crossing her arms, she is not interested or she doesn’t like what he is saying. There are some variations but this is pretty universal.

It is usually people who hold privilege that lack awareness about picking up on body language and non- verbal cues because they are accustomed to everyone tippy toeing around them or they do not care. 💡Privilege is relational- so a man who behaves clueless around his wife knows how to pick up on his bosses and other men’s cues.💡

There is a time and a place for verbal communication but the overemphasis on talking things out is very ethnocentric and specifically white 🇺🇸 middle class. Think about pretty much everything you have ever read about psychology…who wrote it? Who influenced them? Who conducted the studies? What ethnic groups were the sample?

Also, “couples therapy” has traditionally been upper middle class white women convincing their husbands (straight, white men that are at the apex of privilege) to make changes. So the template we are learning when we “just communicate” is how to emulate this relationship dynamic which is usually just coddling men who know better. These men enjoy talking as a stall tactic to make changes (just look at congress, the senate and the filibuster).

Therapy is changing but not fast enough.

This blanket advice is terrible and culturally incompetent. And look how it is weaponized against women. When we are silent because we are too tired to have another conversation, we are giving the “silent treatment” or are “withholding” or are “passive aggressive” or we are expecting that they “read our minds”.

What does “passive aggressive” even mean in a society that punishes women for defending themselves against violence? How are we “withholding” something like sex or love that we do NOT owe in the first place? Why do these professionals insist that women need to show gratitude and appreciation for a man doing the bare minimum in a relationship?

Spread the word that if a man can’t pick up on body language or is a bad listener he will be bad at sex.

PS. Before you accuse me of some reverse racism nonsense or go all lives matter on me, consider that is okay for National Geographic and “peer reviewed studies” to label groups of people and describe and analyze behavior. But when anyone who isn’t white does this, it is “oppression”.💅