Pointers for Beginners.

I wanted to write this after reading so many newbie posts in the ask sub, and recognizing so many consistencies in their posts. I will add more. I invite you to do the same. I think it's easy to get lost in the vast compendium of resources - aka sidebar - and thought it might be helpful to consolidate a few rudimentary pointers in one place. There is nothing new here for those who've been around a while.

  • Reset every day. This is the most important - most results-producing - most life-changing - to me - of everything. Reset. Don't ruminate. Don't let bad behavior become repetitive bad behavior. Don't hold grudges. Don't count points. Don't try to win. Don't try to "one up" your spouse. Don't keep score. Remember that every day is a new day. You must, must, must practice this and execute on it effectively. Early on, I tried and tried and kept reading and reading and then one day I recognized the futility of my "internal monologue" and simply said fuck this, no more. I now reset each day and make it count. What does that mean? It can mean being aware of your propensity to hold grudges each morning. It can mean meditating at the start of the day. It can mean torturing your body at the temple of brodin. It can mean staying home an extra hour to spend time with your family before heading off to work, even if you had a fight the night before.
  • As it relates to resetting every day, understand that - and I say this with a level of certainty that comes solely from my own experience - she is paying much, much less attention to this process than you are. Hell, she doesn't even know the process exists. She doesn't even realize that you have found something amiss and are trying to fix it. She's still in la-la land. In other words, 99% of the time that you are upset about something - because you are newly "aware" - she is still blissfully unaware. Yet you are expecting some kind of "change" from her. Do you not recognize the futility of this? You have changed the rules, you want to win the race, and she's not even aware they exist, nor is she aware that she's racing? I did this. I pushed it hard and then I pushed it harder. There were times when my wife thought I'd lost my mind. There were times when my behavior was ridiculous. There were times when I sabotaged myself. Far more importantly, there were times when I lost myself to false mission, a mission for her.
  • Don't be so fucking scared and fearful. You know, there was a time and place when your next meal was not assured, when your safety was in question, when your future was unknown. Think back to the struggles of being alive 100,000 year ago. Jesus, we are comparative pussies today; but, in our collective defense, our minds are surely making it all so much harder on so many levels. While we no longer need to struggle to escape a dinosaur, we do struggle to escape our own self-doubt, our own self-defeating behavior, our own cynical, spiteful, harmful minds. I spent so much time doing so, I still do, but I improve every day, little by little. Granted I've been through a special kind of hell, but sometimes, the day-to-day is made much, much more challenging than it need be.
  • Don't beat yourself up. It's so easy to do so. Especially after you stumble upon this place. Even more so after you read the posts and comments. More so still after you post and dudes reply. Understand that if you have been earnest to yourself and you have tried hard - your fucking hardest - everything you've got - and you have been genuine - then you have done all that you need to do. Regardless of whether she comes or goes, regardless of whether your business succeeds or fails, regardless of whether you get that job or not. Don't beat yourself up. This is a huge lesson I learned. I inflicted more harm on myself than anyone else. I wanted so much to control it all. To control everything. But in reality, I control nothing. Why, then, have I felt compelled to accept the responsibility of those many things I do not control? Christ. The pressure. It's fucking pointless. I now constantly remind myself - even in the face of a bad outcome - that I did my best (a phrase I normally hate but if I say it mean it and it means a lot Perseus) - and if that's not fucking good enough well fuck it, that's not good enough. I try every day to remind myself that while I may have failed, I have also succeeded. I am naturally the hardest mother-fucker on myself, and yet I am also learning to be merciful to myself at the same time.
  • Recognize that you are going too fast. Almost assuredly. Nearly always. You are a man of action. Men = action. You see the problem, you identify the solution, you dive in to solve it. Now. Yesterday even. The thing is, as BPP has said - in one of the most amazing posts ever - it boils down to numbers and it will take time. Ten years a pussy? Okay, ten months to absolution. 15 years a pussy? 15 months. This is arguably the hardest or second hardest part of the process, next to resetting each day. You are a man, you know the solution, you believe - after reading - that you know how to make it happen. Chances are you actually do. The thing is, this is not a landscaping project, this is not a home renovation upgrade, this is not an executive report to management, this is not an audit of your finances; instead, this is a dynamic - in place for years - that involves a human being, and one who has experienced your (likely-pathetic-else-why-would-you-be-here) behavior. She does not simply fall into place because you've (1) come to Jesus and now (2) know the way home. I remind myself of this often. I naturally jump to (almost always negative) critiques about everything, step back to reflect, and recognize that this is a slow process.
  • Don't go overboard and don't make your wife your enemy. Just because you have been "awakened" to something you may not have been familiar with does not mean she is out to get you. It does not mean she's a two-bit whore. It does not mean she's a deadbeat bitch. You married this woman for a reason, a reason that may be lost on you and perhaps hard to recollect, but it's there. You're both on the same side, whether you know it or not, until you're not longer on the same side. I recognize now that I am not a partnership with my wife, but instead, an individual who chooses to coexist with her. I am not an MMA opponent to her, I am one player in a two-sport team like doubles tennis. The difference in the two is so important and I lose site - often - and play against her. I reset each day to stop and improve.
  • Don't say please. In fact, stop writing please. I looked at how often I added "please" to everything (email, text, etc.) and now edit and remove. This applied to wife, friends, employees, and everyone. Much easier and fewer words to leave it out. Fewer words are universally appreciated by everyone.
  • Don’t say sorry. I was able to stop this quickly and easily. Chiefly because after I read the advice, I observed the behavior in an employee - and a family member - and found it grotesque. I saw how often I said "sorry" and have stopped… unless it's warranted, which is rare.
  • Don't get addicted to MRP. Your ultimate solution is not to read. Nor is it to interact with others who've been there. It's not to analyze, and it's certainly not to deepen your understanding to the level of PHD. Your solution is to (1) understand and (2) implement, with a strong emphasis on implement. In other words, do, do, do. Then do some more. I see way too many dudes getting hooked on the validation they receive from a bunch of anonymous Internet strangers and clearly spending way too much time here.
  • Lift. For the non-believers, you'll just need to trust me on this one. I was an athlete when I was young - highest level possible - I continued to work out for years - yet I always harbored a mistrust of dudes lifting weights. Frankly, I looked down on them. Christ what a mistake. Lifting is glorious and it gets results. Vain, self-obsessed? I don't fucking care anymore. Whoever drilled that dumbass shit into my head was likely a fatass who didn't understand the sheer joy of seeing a new vein, spotting a new striation, or hitting a new max.