I need some advice

Dad_at_home · 2012-08-12T04:15:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

kronox · 2012-08-12T03:52:20+00:00

Im so sorry about your situation. That is a really tough thing to go through. I have to that alphagarebear is correct in stating you should not ever consider leaving your children. The courts will look at that and assume your wife as the primary custodian. In my opinion you should tell her that if she is unhappy she can leave but you will never leave your children. Then suggest marriage counseling (whats more important here is that she knows she is gonna have to be the one to pack her bags).

2012-08-12T09:09:59+00:00

I am a stay-at-home father too. I spend all-day, everyday with my kids and my wife works. She has the disposition and drive to work for a corporation, I have the disposition and need to be with my kids.

When she is home, she is easily flustered by the demands the kids make on her time. She isn't used to people not listening to her and challenging her on everything, all the time. What's more, because of guilt, or w/e, she never says no, doesn't discipline and over indulgences the kids.

That said, I want to be kind in my response, but it might not come off that way. Cause really, I understand your position - I really do.

Marriage isn't easy. It never gets easy. Everyday is a struggle and people who tell you it isn't, or that it shouldn't be are liars.

There will be days, weeks, even months where you don't find the other person attractive and everything they do is annoying. External factors do come into play, and at times, you will be influenced by stress or social norms and feel like shit. So will she.

You have to talk with her. Hitting isn't acceptable. You should have done it then. What works for dogs works with people too. You shouldn't have let it go in the moment. You shouldn't have let her talk to her mom. You should have stopped the car. Taking the keys with you. And talked away from the kids and calmly told her you won't be a punching bag for her regardless of how stressful work is. Do this with the insults and putdowns too.

Pay attention to warning signs. If you do bring up the insults and the hitting and it seems to only reinforce her belittling attitude, start talking to a lawyer rather than a therapist. Women often start planning out their exit long before men even realize there is a problem. Start documenting the abuse with a digital tape recorder, maybe set up the odd camera around the house, or place a videocam with good audio in a kids room to show a court what is actually heard by the kids.

Hit first and hit hard. Get a protection order. Talk to friends and family about her hitting you. Comment to them when she does it in front of them. Make it memorable.

Whatever you do, don't leave the home. If you separate, make sure you stay in the home. You want to do this for the kids. If you leave, not only will your kids feel you abandoned them (and you did), she will start poisoning them against you right away. She will hit them and abuse them just as she did you. And, while she does that, she will literally pound it into your kids that it is your fault and bring up the question, "If daddy loves you, why isn't he here to protect you from me".

I think acting first is your best defense. Men are too entrenched into fair-play and just rules. Women aren't.

You need to start building a case against her now, even if you plan on therapy or trying to save your marriage (which I am in favor of, I think people give up to early).

irishsnowday · 2012-08-12T05:42:59+00:00

"When I didn't respond she said "Nothing is stopping you from getting your shit and getting the fuck out.""

VS

"I don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents"

Its good your kids have at least one parent that doesn't want them to go through that.

Anyway, regardless of whether you plan on getting a divorce, she might. The mass majority of divorces are filled by women, even for reasons beyond infidelity and domestic violence. Talk with a lawyer so you can prepare a case, if she decides to kick you out or file a divorce.

And don't leave the house. If you are there raising your kids, that speaks very strongly in court. Many women in divorces do suggest the man leave the house, and the biggest mistake the man can make is actually following that suggestion. Because women in divorces often turn around and say that the man abandoned their family.

And do try to avoid divorce all together unless its necessary. Family courts are extremely biased against men, and it also puts a huge strain on your family. Maybe consider marriage counseling.

terzog · 2012-08-12T05:15:03+00:00

Personally I think it's disgusting behaviour from your wife.

You left your own job, just for her career. Being a stay-at-home anything isn't enjoyable, it can get boring and dull very easily and the fact that she had the nerve to slap you just shows how selfish she is.

I feel bad for you man. I am only 18 so I have no idea how this relationship will turn out, but I just don't picture it getting any better.

My suggestions are to try your best to fix what you can in it but all the whilst remember it takes two to tango, and if she doesn't want to be your partner then so be it.

Perhaps try looking for a new job, and then try doing what's best for you and your children.

Best of luck *internet hug. sometimes bad things happen, but hey they make us stronger people.

'Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

rightsbot · 2012-08-12T03:22:16+00:00

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TheAlphaGareBear · 2012-08-12T03:30:03+00:00

Well, I don't know much, but I do know that you shouldn't leave.

Make sure you keep your kids as your #1 priority. When my parents got divorced my dad was more concerned with getting back at his ex than with making sure my little sister and myself were happy. That felt awful.

If you want LEGAL advice then I can't really do much. I hope your situation improves, though.

squaids667 · 2012-08-12T04:15:17+00:00

it sounds like you need a hug, i would give you one if i could

quindraco · 2012-08-12T05:07:56+00:00

I strongly suggest you sit her down and talk this out. Questions that need answering:

1) Does you want to stay, pretending for the moment that the kids don't exist? 2) Does she want you to stay, pretending for the moment that the kids don't exist?

Why or why not to both?

Once you know the answers, you'll be in a much stronger position to make the best possible decision.

keeponthesunnyside · 2012-08-12T14:25:19+00:00

I'm a bit late to this one, but here's my change and a half.

Reddit is very divorce happy, much less the MR section. So take all advice with grains of salt.

I have two kids, 3 and 1, both girls. My wife works while I stay home with the kids. So I may know a little bit about what you're going through.

As Gthink said, marriage is hard. It takes commitment. And now's the time for you two to find out just how much you care. In my wife's case, she loves her job, but I think that she feels kinda guilty that I have the kids all day. She loves her kids, but she doesn't like spending all day with them, and I think that makes her feel like a bad mother.

Sometimes people going through a lot of stress take it out on others. It sounds like your wife is using you as a bit of an emotional punching bag. While that's not a good thing, have you ever talked to her about it?

I hate to ask this, but trust me, it's important. When's the last time you two have gotten laid? When my second child was born, we went through a couple of dry spells (several months at a time). After a couple months without getting any my brain started doing strange things to me. I began to fear that divorce was right abound the corner. When we started scheduling babysitting so that we could get some every week or two, I calmed right down.

If you can't talk to her, you're giving up. Talk to your woman. Explain how you're feeling and how scared you are. 'cause even though you've been together for a while, you're not psychic, and odds are she doesn't know everything going through your head.

I wish you luck. Remember, divorce doesn't just hurt your kids, it also hurts you and your wife. Sometimes it's necessary, but I don't ever think it's something to rush into.

jubbergun · 2012-08-12T10:19:56+00:00

It sounds like she's no longer happy with certain arrangements you both agreed upon (and which she probably suggested in the first place). The constant ridicule about you spending time with the kids suggests to me that she's not happy about you not having a job. There's probably other things happening with her about which you may not be aware since your communication has obviously broken down.

While all the other precautions and advice here are good ideas, you need to talk to her if you want to save your marriage. Remind her that you're home every day because that's what she wanted. Tell her if that's no longer acceptable to her that you're both going to have to make new arrangements. You especially need to tell her that slapping you was completely unacceptable, and it wouldn't hurt to drive it home by telling her that while you'd never expect her to do something like that to the kids, you never expected that she'd do it to you, either.

I wish you luck no matter what course you steer.

cthulufunk · 2012-08-13T02:09:11+00:00

Patriarchy....

..remember, it's men are who enforce the status quo. /s

VerySpecialSnowflake · 2012-08-12T05:22:20+00:00

You're in an abusive relationship. Get out as quickly as you can do so. You are the primary caregiver, which puts you in a good position custody-wise. How long has it been since you've been employed? Do you have any of your own money or your own savings?

Desturbinsight · 2012-08-12T07:04:10+00:00

Its a common scenario that women tend to view stay at home dads as emasculated, partially because of prejudice and gender bias/ role reversal, but also because of jealousy. As annoying and stressful as kids are, a working parent always wishes they spent more time with the children, even when every time they do they get stressed. Also again with the gender bias, many of these women feel that they are being bad mothers by not fulfilling their traditional roles.

These help to explain her behavior, but does not excuse it. I agree with the others that talking is the best step, even tho it sucks; and from there progress to therapy. If you love and want to stay with the woman, than do what you can to achieve this. Her behavior is not your fault, and you are within your rights as a human and a spouse to explain to her what she is doing. If you dont love her, and dont want to stay. Then dont. A forced marriage is as bad or worse than a divorce. If you are going that route, then yea get paper work, a lot of it. In secret. Its nasty business.

That whole scenario is tragic. I cant believe how often I hear things like this. It always seems like women act out however they feel, and justify it afterward with anything they can. I really dont understand. I feel your frustration and worry, heres my sympathy for what its worth. Best of luck.

newtothelyte · 2012-08-12T07:18:30+00:00

I really like everyone here, but all these comments are overreaction. This can definitely be worked out. I have seen the effect that stress can have on a family, especially the primary breadwinner. It tears it apart from the top-down. It is your job to bring your wife back to reality. Let her know that she is being too aggressive and she needs to calm herself down. Tell her that slap was out of line and that you will not put up with any more of that. If the kids saw something like that, it could deeply impact their upbringing.

Talk it out with her. Let her know that she is bringing her stress from work into the household and into your marriage, and that she needs to find a way to handle it. Stand your ground as a partner and make her clean up her act.

par_texx · 2012-08-12T04:25:32+00:00

Wait....she slaps you and you're still there?

WTF is wrong with you? Domestic abuse is domestic abuse. Unless she's on her knees begging you to forgive her, and that it was a one time oops, you should be treating her as you would be treated had the situation been reversed. Go, talk to someone, either with your wife or without. You are in an abusive relationship, and it needs to stop NOW!

Talk to a lawyer. Not with the intent of divorce, but to see what you have to do should the abuse escalate.

Get a new credit card if you can without her knowing. Should you have to leave suddenly, checking into a hotel with a joint credit card tells her where you are. You don't want that.

Research male domestic abuse support for your area.

Record everything. Write down in a journal when, where, what she does. Every time she insults you (regardless of the kids being present). If she ever hits you again.

Look into getting a restraining order. Don't get one yet until you've talked to a lawyer, but look into the process.

Get help. I can't stress that enough. Get professional help. Do it tomorrow.

VanillaSoul · 2012-08-12T04:30:37+00:00

A relationship ends long before a physical separation. My psycho/social analysis of your situation; The reverse in traditional gender roles is causing her stress. As a child, she always expected to be the one staying home with the children. Her family, friends, and coworkers are probably telling her she's "married to a loser" because you don't work a regular job and thus you are not fulfilling the husband/father traditional role of provider and protector. In my opinion, your relationship is ending. The only way you can possibly save it is to tell her you are getting a full-time job, and she is to work part-time and stay at home to care for the children. You have to reassert your dominance in the relationship because she has lost all respect for you. You might be surprised by all the awful untrue things she is saying about you behind your back. Face it, women are attracted to money and power, neither of which you have right now.

waffebunny · 2012-08-12T16:30:56+00:00

I am going to play the role of cynic here, and suggest that your marriage is effectively over - any person that both hits their partner, and essentially invites them to leave the family home, has long since checked out of marriage. All that matters now is how the marriage ends, and how it ends for you specifically.

I would suggest, amongst other things:

Explore your legal options - maybe try getting in touch with [Fathers and Families] (http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/) and see if they can help put you in touch with trustworthy legal counsel.
Document everything. Depending on where you live, you may be able to record your wife without her knowledge - if so, consider investing in some form of discrete digital audio recorder. Proof of your wife's abuse will be both your greatest weapon against her, and defense against any spurious counter-claim she might make against you.
Do not leave your home unless you and / or your children are in immediate danger - your wife can use this against you in court.

Most of all, good luck and godspeed.

TheLadyEve · 2012-08-12T05:59:10+00:00

that sounds like a typical abusive relationship, one that many of my friends have been through. Get a lawyer before you make any decisions, but remember to put the kids first (by which I mean, do whatever is in their interest--I don't mean "stay together for the kids.")

2012-08-12T14:11:30+00:00

Tonight, we were driving home and we were having an argument that culminated in her slapping me in the face (not hard, hurt me emotionally more than physically). I kept driving and she picked up the phone and talked to her mother about how much fun she had today.

that is absolutely NOT OKAY. she endangered the lives of you, her, every passenger, and the other people on the road.

you need to report this to the police.

stemgang · 2012-08-12T14:18:39+00:00

You need to start collecting evidence of your good parenting, as well as of her abuse.

MithrilKnight · 2012-08-13T02:38:31+00:00

Marriage counseling. ASAP

philipballew · 2012-08-12T07:44:23+00:00

It appears she want's to heave her cake and eat it to.

Title	I need some advice
Author	Dad_at_home
Upvotes	72
Comments	61
Date	August 12, 2012 3:21 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/y2tn5/i_need_some_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-need-some-advice.1016046 https://theredarchive.com/post/1016046

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