After a recent work trip where I was the only woman and the men were culturally different (east coast vs mountain regions), I had some thoughts on the outward acts of chivalry that occurred constantly. These thoughts extend way past work relationships, but the experience influenced the line of thinking. All of these are assuming a man is being “chivalrous” towards a woman.

*Point 1: Doing tasks she can clearly do herself is submissive (a gesture of service/deference).*

Examples: Opening a door when her hands are empty. Pulling out her chair. Standing when she enters. Walking on the street side of the sidewalk.

Non-examples: Grabbing an item off a high shelf she can’t reach. Carrying something genuinely too heavy for her. Giving your jacket when she’s actually cold and you’re not.

*Point 2: It tips into condescension/misogyny when he assumes she can’t do it at all.*

Examples: Taking the car keys because he assumes she can’t drive in the rain. Ordering for her at a restaurant without asking. Insisting on carrying her bag when it’s light and she’s holding it fine. Cutting in to “explain” something she already knows.

Non-examples: Offering to drive because he knows the route and she’s tired. Asking if she wants help with a heavy box and accepting “no.” (The difference is offering versus assuming, and accepting her answer.)

*Point 3: It becomes aggressive/dominant when the task is a vehicle for asserting power or control.*

Examples: Paying the bill and using it to dictate the rest of the evening. Opening the door but expecting visible gratitude or compliance in return. “Protecting” her as a way to monitor where she goes or who she talks to.

Non-examples: Paying the bill with no expectation attached. Holding the door and moving on without a second thought. (Same gesture, but no leverage is being extracted.)