How did your upbringing & relationship with your parents shape you in terms of dating?

Lift_and_Lurk · 2023-02-15T17:39:04+00:00

I always remember my dad calling my mom “his girl” and when he thought we weren’t looking would give her a hug or plant one on her. I also was lucky as hell cause I have an uncle I am really close to so there were times where I could confide in him when it felt awkward to talk to my mom or dad. “That girl is trouble, and not the good kind” I remember him saying once, and he was right!

Safinated · 2023-02-15T17:28:08+00:00

I am an adult, and expect to fuck and cohabitate with an adult who doesn’t find my presence a chore

That is what was modeled for me

Willow-girl · 2023-02-15T17:46:27+00:00

I determined early on that I would always have my own money and wouldn't be obliged to suck up to a man to get what I wanted or needed. Made me sick watching my mother crawl on her belly all those years. (God only knows what went on behind closed doors!)

It's ironic that I live in my man's house and he pays all of the household bills. (I do have my own money, though.)

CimZim · 2023-02-15T17:58:10+00:00

It taught me how not to act, and what not to look for in a man.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-02-15T17:51:18+00:00

My parents divorced when I was young but my dad lived within a couple of blocks and he was over all the time, which gave me unrealistic expectations that co-parenting was easy and normal. My dad even stays with them when he goes back to our home town to visit.

My stepdad moved in when I was 5 or 6 and they married when I was 12. They are adorably in love even 45 years later. Relationship goals.

Barely-moral · 2023-02-15T17:56:37+00:00

Upbringing: I was raised in a catholic family as a catholic myself.

I no longer believe in the supernatural aspect of the church. My values and way of seeing the world are shaped by catholicism.

I am from south America. Undisclosed country. I was raised in a position of economic privilege compared to many of my latin american companions in the eternally fucked up road this continent travels in.

Relationship with my parents: Good but distant. Nothing to complain about. Nothing really important at least. All parents fuck up their kids in some way or another. Luckily for everyone the way they fucked up was compatible with the way my mind is fucked up.

How did it shape the way I date: The only relationship worth having is one that does not end until one of the parties is dead. The only acceptable way to act in a relationship is to do everything in your power to make your partner happy. That goes for both parties. The world is unstable enough as it is, your partner should be the exception, you should be the exception to your partner. Everything else can and will fail, change, collapse, bend or break. The relationship must not.

literaryhogwartian · 2023-02-15T18:20:37+00:00

I think of everything my parents did and do the opposite.

KayRay1994 · 2023-02-15T17:28:20+00:00

Ive had a pretty bad upbringing, so let’s see - an anxious attachment style, abandonment issues, trust issues and so on. The women i’ve aimed for were usually emotionally unavailable, flakey and avoidant.

Thankfully i’ve kinda begun to back away from that, being aware of it + understanding your own trauma via therapy is so important

SeveralSadEvenings · 2023-02-15T17:46:21+00:00

My parents (educated catholic tradcon-lite, but with a splash of 'go-girlism') were wonderful and lovely people. They loved each other and they loved me. They supported me, believed in me, and did everything they could to give me the best life possible.

My mother is my confidant, I'm glad she sees me as a woman and knows that she raised me well. Likewise I was a "daddy's girl", or at least, a lot of my mannerisms, interests, and life philosophies come from him.

As a result, I have obnoxiously high self esteem and learned how to set up and enforce my boundaries early. I've never had a bad relationship, or an abusive relationship, never been cheated on or cheated, all my ex's ( a whopping 2 of them, not including silly high school romances) are fine men that have gone on to have families of their own.

They only trauma I have is the result of a violent crime that was committed against me when I was 15. That trauma has been dealt with and tucked away since I was 23.

My own marriage is happy and stable, so I hope to continue the cycle with our son.

kochIndustriesRussia · 2023-02-15T17:51:07+00:00

Welllppp....we tend to choose people that remind us of our parents in relationships (as they intentionally or not) role-modeled relationship for us....and if your mom was a controlling narcissist who didn't give two shakes of a donkey's dick about your feelings...then - tragically - those are the people you tend to be attracted to (until you do the work and figure that all out). Sooo... not well for the first 30 years lol. I'm good now tho and I love my mom and she just breaks down in tears when we reminisce on how she treated her kids....she's getting old these days, so I don't bring it up anymore...

Katatonicsnake · 2023-02-15T18:03:19+00:00

I’m a free range baby so I guess they made me value independence.

saraimarsena · 2023-02-15T19:18:05+00:00

two main ways:

1., i have a terrible relationship with my dad. growing up, I never had my dad’s approval was next to impossible to earn. he was never really affectionate, never really spent much time with me outside of pushing me to be excellent in some form/outside of church

as a result, i tie a lot of my self worth to my partner’s happiness. i get extremely anxious and feel emotionally lost when my partner pulls away from me. i like a lot of attention and validation from my partner, but I also tend to do a lot to “earn” affection. sex means a lot for me to feel loved. i romanticize and idealize my partner. i fall in love easily.

my dad told me once that Id never be able to have a healthy relationship without him but I suppose thankfully that’s not true.

2., My parents also influenced how I view sex and n-counts. growing up in church/purity culture, it’s deeply tied to my self worth for me to have a low n count. it was extremely hard for me to leave my first partner because I felt that would make me shameful, broken and irredeemable.

Swordfromthecement · 2023-02-16T05:40:24+00:00

Horrible. My dad is an stubborn, publicly admitted cheater and my mother is a mean-spirited, domineering woman. Watching two people go at it but refuse to get a divorce has been pretty shitty but also really funny.

As a result my dating experiences have been a list of highs and lows, physical and emotional infidelity and always feeling the need to avenge real or imagined slights to my character.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-02-16T06:14:04+00:00

My parents divorced and remarried. It taught me to be careful who I had children with because you are bound to that person. It taught me that being able to support myself is important That you need to invest in your relationship, not take your partner for granted, my mum and step dad still do date night weekly

AquaChip · 2023-02-15T17:40:33+00:00

I went to a private Catholic High school and my parents were strict. The kind of strict that actually has an adverse affect and makes the child want to do the exact opposite when they’re an adult.

They would have preferred it if I married young (20-23) but I really didn’t care. Once I went to college I got rid of most the conditioning I’d learned regarding relationships.

I do, however, appreciate my dad giving me “tolerate no bullshit from men and get the best one you can” advice.

Vulture051 · 2023-02-15T18:11:11+00:00

My father was very passive in the relationship. I don't mean he was whipped, just that my mother was a strong woman and he kinda just went along for the ride doing his own thing.

Back when I bothered with dating, I was like him and it served me well. I was laid back and girls seems to confuse my indifference/detachment with mystery/coolness and assumed my not reacting to their games was confidence rather than genuinely not being bothered by them possibly leaving.

Once I realized in my 20s that I have no interest in sex, at least not with other people, I kinda lost any reason I had to interact with the fairer sex. I mean outside of sex what can a straight man get from a woman that he can't get better from a close male friend?

DryOutcome3407 · 2023-02-15T18:49:26+00:00

My mother feed me bullshit my entire infancy and then the pendulum come back full swing

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Aiizimor · 2023-02-15T17:49:32+00:00

Im a fucking mess

pshylocibe · 2023-02-15T17:59:00+00:00

In today's society I feel that is more the upbringing of the others that shape me in terms of dating........

1617554 · 2023-02-15T18:20:47+00:00

My father was emotionally abusive saying I was the little engine that couldn’t so…any confidence that might have bloomed was pulled out at the roots.

Embarrassed-Tune9038 · 2023-02-15T18:27:43+00:00

It taught me to avoid marriage and cohabitation like the fucking plague.

noafrochamplusamurai · 2023-02-15T18:47:15+00:00

I got a really good understanding of the female perspective. So that really helped me connect with women, and formed an egalitarian view of gender.

I did have to unlearn some things. My mom was an amazing woman, but 2 divorces, and DV can take their toll on anyone. There was covert male bashing that she would engage in. "All men are dogs " " Men are no good" " men are dumb" " all they want is to use women for sex" . When you're a developing young man this kind of stuff can be hurtful, and stunt your emotional growth.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-02-15T21:27:40+00:00

My relationship with my parents works pretty well. My main example of a loving couple/dating growing up was my aunt and uncle though. Together for decades (until he died unexpectedly), they never stopped lusting after each other.

They mostly were good at keeping it Rated G in front of family/kids but were constantly making eyes at each other, leaving events early because they were seemingly worried about PDA, sneaking off outside to go kiss under the stars, and also were the best of friends.

Their honeymoon period never ended. They never stopped going on dates with each other.

They weren't the only couple I saw who adored each other and/or had fun with each other and never lost their zest and desire for each other, but they were one of the main ones.

They also were incredibly progressive in their relationship for the '80s and '90s and '00s even.

They both did manual work to maintain their home, both did domestic tasks, both contributed to finances, both considered each other's input on major decisions and had enough in common to find resolution.

They also had their own interests, hobbies, groups of friends. They were a template that definitely gave me an idea of what I wanted when I grew up.

INFPneedshelp · 2023-02-15T21:29:16+00:00

My parents didn't really love each other. They didn't hate each other, but they didn't love each other either. They divorced once we were out of the house (dad's affair > marry new partner). So I never really saw marriage as a major goal of mine.

Joelypoely88 · 2023-02-15T21:56:11+00:00

My upbringing was mostly normal, aside from parents splitting at 17.

Was not given any dating/relationship guidance whatsoever, which probably contributed to me not having any romantic success until 27.

2023-02-15T22:49:18+00:00

Marriage is for life
If you aren't looking forward to having sex with this person for the rest of your life, don't get married
The flirting/dating/looking good for each other never stops
Your spouse is your one and only opposite sex best friend
Appreciate the little things. Laugh together. Know each other's favorite songs and sing together. Cherish everything.

EulenWatcher · 2023-02-16T00:00:52+00:00

I have good relationship with my mother, she taught me a lot. I think my egalitarian and feminist views stem greatly from my upbringing, her beliefs and example. Although I don't think she'd ever call herself a feminist. I prefer egalitarian relationships with a partner who respects me and treats me like an equal. It starts with splitting the bill and continues to dividing chores and responsibilities evenly, so I expect my husband to share paternity leave with me as well.

From the other hand, as I'm from a single mother household, I also didn't have a strict pattern to follow when I entered romantic relationship myself. It wasn't all disadvantaging though, as a lack of patterns meant a lack of negative patterns too. In a way it was easier for me to adapt than it was for my partner due to subconscious expectations he got seeing his parents' marriage.

gopher_glitz · 2023-02-16T01:22:45+00:00

My dad was a decent man. My mom completely ruined his life and now he's dead.

She did him SO dirty....that I found out I'm not even his son.

Ok-Professional3832 · 2023-02-16T01:56:27+00:00

I have two examples to give. My mom and dad were married for over 30 years before my dad passed. They were legit best friends. My father was a mix of alpha and beta bucks. He went above and beyond to provide for his family. There are things I can reflect specifically on that by themselves make him seem beta, and an equal number of things that we would classify as alpha, dominant or the decision maker.

They even ended up working together throughout the later years of his life. My mom was basically his assistant/administrator on job sites.

The other example is my aunt on my moms side. She has for lack of a better term a 30 year boyfriend.

He’s not my uncle, but he’s my uncle.

I see the value of both relationships equally and it’s a reminder that the same thing doesn’t work for everyone.

Marriage isn’t a requirement for commitment.

I’ve never been married, and haven’t been in a serious long term relationship for 10 years, yet my mom completely understands my choices and I can say she just likes seeing me happy. She was drunk about a week ago and went on and on about my ex and how perfect she was and how much she missed her.

It’s true, she set the bar high, and I can’t imagine settling for someone “less than her” for lack of better descriptors

DoinIt989 · 2023-02-16T18:12:48+00:00

It raised my standards seeing how well they go together vs the wide range of dysfunctional relationships in my extended family.

It also made dating much harder since my parents never "dated". They met at 18 in a circle of friends and just ended up together 5 years later. So it's not like my dad could give me any real advice.

DXBrigade · 2023-02-16T18:48:39+00:00

Strict christian parents who were very against me dating growing up and even as a young adult. Now, they wonder why I am not married yet at 29.

Title	How did your upbringing & relationship with your parents shape you in terms of dating?
Author	frogfarterr
Upvotes	8
Comments	40
Date	February 15, 2023 5:21 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1133747/how_did_your_upbringing_relationship_with_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-did-your-upbringing-relationship-with-your.1152559 https://theredarchive.com/post/1152559

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