Legitimate Opinion Question:

hammerhaunts · 2019-01-23T01:12:59+00:00

You could kiss her next time.

LowCreddit · 2019-01-23T01:16:14+00:00

It was your moment to kiss her until you started apologizing. Girls are all about the mood. Take her to a place that naturally has a romantic mood. Then you can kiss her if she wants to and you don't fumble all over yourself. There is also nothing wrong with taking it slow. Get comfortable with smaller things first like putting your arm around her and holding her hand. This will let you build up the confidence to kiss her.

GayLubeOil · 2019-01-23T23:54:25+00:00

The key is to grow up in a post Soviet hellscape and realize that all of the laws and rules imposed upon you by society are a shallow lie that barely keeps the system from collapsing.

The Federal reserve literally prints money out of thin air, universities are a scam to put a generation into debt, and this girl is a dumb bitch content to work a middling job on the weekdays and Slutchatting on her days off.

You need to look her in her whore face and tell her that you can rescue her from her drudgery and meaningless of existentence by cockslaming her in the rectum.

Civil_Seaworthiness · 2019-01-23T01:20:43+00:00

It sounds like you already know what was going on here - you like her, you were nervous, it's not the sort of situation in which you're comfortable.

Five years from now, in an identical situation, with more experience, I'm sure you'll kiss the girl. When you've grown more comfortable with 'wanting to kiss someone -> they also want to kiss me -> I kiss them' as a sequence of events, the fact that it's a girl you really really like will still make it more nerve-wracking, but no longer prohibitively so.

The more you've experienced, the more you know yourself and the greater confidence with which you can read cues as to your partner's interest, the easier it will get.

How can you improve yourself? It sounds like she really likes you so far. It sounds like you like her a lot. Next time you really want to kiss her and it seems from context that she wants to kiss you, kiss her. Learn from this experience - you didn't do it, it didn't feel great, but you didn't die and she didn't break up with you or steal your wallet on the spot, the consequences of failure are not dire - and try again. Maybe you'll freeze up again. That's okay! Next time it will be a little less terrifying. Every time you're in a situation and you don't die, you gain a little ammunition to stop your anxiety-brain from freaking out.

She's not a bear or a fire or a guy with a grenade, she's a girl who likes you and wants to be kissed. Right now a part of your lizard brain sees 'danger' where there isn't any. Exposure therapy is the only way to rope your anxiety in and get yourself to the point where fear doesn't paralyze you out of acting on your observations of appropriate and desirable behavior. You're doing great to get to this point, and your self-examination and willingness to learn will take you far. Keep at it! Try again!

goatismycopilot · 2019-01-23T02:56:55+00:00

She already told you and you were not listening.

blackedoutfast · 2019-01-23T04:00:37+00:00

how much experience do you have? are you a virgin?

if it's not already too late, you need to make a move (physical) ASAP. stop thinking about telling her how you feel about her, show her how much you want her through your actions.

she isn't going to go in to kiss you or make the first move or take the lead or any of that. all that stuff is your job, because you're the man in this situation and men are the ones who take the lead and make it happen.

you need to understand that whoever this chick is, she gets hit on by dudes all the time. dudes who barely know her are regularly more persistent and aggressive than you are after 4 dates. because that's what happens to women. yes, it's good that you weren't like that, and i'm sure she appreciated the fact that you were treating her respectfully and all. but the time for that is over. if you don't make a move NOW, she's going to assume that you must not be attracted to her. or that you are secretly gay. or that you have absolutely no experience and no idea what you are doing (ding ding ding). and NONE of those things will be at all appealing to her.

you're lucky you got this far. some girls won't give a dude a second chance if he doesn't at least try to make a move toward sex on the first date. they will say "he was an ok guy but there wasn't any spark" and you are getting very close to that point.

hit her up soon. tell her that you've been thinking a lot about her and really want to see her again. ideally, you can do something like invite her over to your place to watch a movie and have some wine or something like that instead of a more formal date where you go to a restaurant. and absolutely STOP OVERTHINKING THINGS. be physical with lots of "incidental" contact from the moment you see her. and don't wait for the "right moment" - the instant your brain starts thinking "i wonder..." don't even finish the thought, just go in for the kiss.

Plopolok · 2019-01-23T01:17:48+00:00

I knew in the back of my mind that I thought she wanted me to kiss her even during the situation

What did she tell? No thinking!

My advice: tell her that when she says things like "I really appreciate the level of respect that you are treating me with", it makes it too hard for you to kiss her without thinking. Tell her you want her to beg for your cock.

Also: start looking for an other one, because it's probably over with this one.

longacidrain · 2019-01-23T01:40:51+00:00

Kiss her. Don't -wait- for "the moment", if anything create your moment.

Mr_Smoogs · 2019-01-23T02:07:16+00:00

You’re conflating respecting women with never making a move. Making a move on a girl can coexist with respecting her.

I know it may sound crazy considering you are expected to make the first move and break the physical barrier - which would amount to harassment or assault from a stranger. You have to get better at reading when women are asking you to make a move on them and you won’t get better until you do it and risk rejection.

buartha · 2019-01-23T02:53:34+00:00

Try to escalate physically a bit next time. Go out somewhere you can put your arm around her or hold hands so you can feel more comfortable with physical contact with her before you go in for the kiss (a horror film maybe so she can cuddle up? It sounds cliched but cliche can sometimes make things seem less nerve wracking because you have a 'script'). I would avoid bringing it up verbally if you can and just go for it; no matter how many times someone says that they're attracted to you it won't feel that way until they show it, and repeatedly bringing it up will seem like you're just making excuses.

What age you are matters here as well. Dates will be more patient with you in your teens if they like you because they aren't that experienced either, but if you're in your twenties she probably already thinks that you're not that into her no matter what you say, so you need to try extra hard to take that next step next time if that's the case.

kandyapplez · 2019-01-23T03:22:51+00:00

im guessing/hoping you're a teenager.

consider that youre disrespecting her by not kissing her and leaving her frustrated after every date

Ashen_Light · 2019-01-23T08:42:33+00:00

But I couldn't do it

This is the wrong mindset. You could do it - you chose not to out of fear. And this is at the heart of all of your problems.

Now to be constructive and answer your question: what are you doing anything to deal with this problem? There are several ways of improving your behavior that, despite what it seems like from the culture war, are more or less agreed upon by everyone from TRP to even many feminists. Examples:

Are you getting enough exercise? If you are, what kind? Lifting weights and doing high intensity interval training greatly reduces many problems with mood, confidence, anxiety, etc. for most people.
Where and from who are you learning what to do? If you want to hear from TRP, read this. If you want to hear from a non-insane feminist, read this. Notice how neither of these resources recommends "being so scared to oppress her that you do nothing and she eventually loses interest" and both of them recommend just doing it.
Have you tried just doing it? I don't mean to be facetious, but this is literally the most important thing. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" turns out to be completely true when it comes to dating. Btw, don't beat yourself up (or even care at all) about anything you messed up so far. Start now, be better, ignore the rest, and you'll feel way better. If you sit around beating yourself up, you're already making it harder to get it right next time.
All of this a feedback loop. Making sure you exercise regularly (and having other things in your life in order, like sleeping well, hygiene, school/work, etc.) takes the edge off of otherwise daunting situations. This allows you to get out of your comfort zone more often, which acclimatizes you to these situations. "Just do it" is now enough to push you over the edge to just doing things, instead of being a meaningless phrase. Feeling better and screwing up less means that when you reread decent resources, you will be even more able to implement good mindsets and behavior. And then back to the gym. Rinse repeat.

Good luck!

md8716 · 2019-01-23T08:10:32+00:00

Your main problem is that your logistics were bad. You have to put yourself in the position to achieve success. Don't try to kiss her for the first time immediately before the end of the date. That's too late, her guard is up, and it puts pressure on you to make something happen. You gotta do it once you're like 2/3rd of the way through.

You have to draw her in. Most people have a bubble of personal space, especially around their head and face. So what I would do is ease into that bubble. Do some close talking, but stay in the bubble. If she seems comfortable with the idea of you in that bubble, then that's the green light. "Bedroom eyes", letting her guard down, matching your tone and energy are signs of comfort.

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ScreamThyLastScream · 2019-01-23T01:20:46+00:00

Maybe not far off on either count. It does sound like, for you anyways, you did not feel comfortable being in control and may also been avoiding rejection/misunderstanding of intent. Keep in mind kissing is not the only sexual signal you can give and receive a response to for affirmation of your mutual interest. Though they will all likely involve some form of light touching. Set, setting, subtly all add value to your appearance of confidence, and it has to at least seem organic.. you can't do this if you are overthinking the situation, instead just think ahead enough and let the rest can happen on it's own. Go on your next date knowing you will go in to it to have fun regardless of what happens.

Karakal456 · 2019-01-23T01:33:10+00:00

99% probability you live in your head too much, and over-think and over-analyse everything.

I am betting when you wanted to kiss her, you ran several possible scenarios in your head and tried to do a risk evaluation for how to proceed and then the moment(s) passed.

Instead, try doing something. Next time you feel like kissing her, do it! I am not advocating full french, but try a light kiss first. If she objects/pulls away, stop and just continue what you were doing prior. Laugh it off, if she gets upset over an attempted kiss you have other issues. If she reciprocates, game on.

DespisedByWomen · 2019-01-23T01:50:41+00:00

Just remember WWCD - What Would Chad Do?

PM_ME_ANYTHING_IM_ME · 2019-01-23T02:40:55+00:00

There's a lot of good stuff here. I want to chime in that I think it's okay it's taking you longer. Times are changing. It's no longer just the woman who needs to feel safe and comfortable around a man. In today's world a man needs to take precautions too.

reluctantly_red · 2019-01-23T02:51:39+00:00

I haven’t really had any physical contact with her, partly because I don’t want her to think I’m a fuckboy who is trying to use her

Good fucking god man WTF? If she likes you she wants physical contact. Likewise, you want her to want to fuck you!

DREADC0RSAIR · 2019-01-23T02:56:36+00:00

Dude, as soon as you see her next time, walk forward looking at her without breaking eye contact, grab her just above the hips and pull her close. Tell her something along the lines of "You're gorgeous" or whatever authentic trait you like about her

And then fucking kiss her bro

prolikejesus · 2019-01-23T03:12:19+00:00

Your putting too much pressure on yourself. So next time, keep telling yourself in your head "I dont have to kiss her, I dont have to kiss her". This is actual reality, you dont owe her anything. But the point would be to reduce stress and then once the opportunity arises, you might impress her with hopefully a kiss.

Also, worst case scenario, just ask her if you can kiss her. I've done all this before. Btw Most guys are probably just as awkward as you are, your just self-aware and so it makes it worse.

wobbleelbbow · 2019-01-23T07:00:43+00:00

You need to become a man. Assertive confident and who knows what he wants. Now you are even afraid of your own sexuality. Go read trp sidebar. Many times.

shonenhikada · 2019-01-23T09:29:53+00:00

Oh boy so many mistakes.

peterlongc · 2019-01-23T13:22:36+00:00

"If you think something, don’t try to think it over and over, just do it"

- that's about as big a cue as you're going to get, unless she's finally just willing to initiate it herself

she gave you permission and is asking for it. it's almost disrespectful not to kiss her at this point.

officerkondo · 2019-01-23T20:56:44+00:00

I haven’t really had any physical contact with her, partly because I don’t want her to think I’m a fuckboy who is trying to use her, and partly because I am too scared to make the first move.

It is much more the latter than the former. You are timid.

I am a bit surprised that she's still hanging around after four dates with no kiss. I always kiss at some point during the first date if I am interested. Otherwise, I think I risk her thinking (1) I'm timid or (2) not interested. If I don't go for that kiss, it's because I'm not interested.

hurupu · 2019-01-23T07:02:35+00:00

You are a really nice guy, and I really appreciate the level of respect that you are treating me with

She already knows you're a blue pilled dude.

It's over. Now she'll make you work for every kiss, every touch, every time you have sex.

And don't be surprised if she cheats on you.

Title	Legitimate Opinion Question:
Author	PM_ME_ANYTHING_IM_ME
Upvotes	6
Comments	72
Date	January 23, 2019 1:05 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/aiu1y1/legitimate_opinion_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/legitimate-opinion-question.257670 https://theredarchive.com/post/257670

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